


Fear of Falling

by Jazz_2_chess



Category: DCU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bottom Jason Todd, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Study, Dick Grayson is Nightwing, Dom/sub, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Jason Todd is Red Hood, M/M, Past Character Death, Suicidal Thoughts, Top Dick Grayson, Trust Issues, self-destructive behaviour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-07
Updated: 2020-03-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:33:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 56,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22598632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jazz_2_chess/pseuds/Jazz_2_chess
Summary: Jason has always had a complicated relationship with everything bat. After his untimely demise, he developed an aversion to touch which turns out to be a bit of a problem. Paired with his natural prickliness and the occasional night terror, he finds himself in dire need of company.When a new Big Bad comes into Gotham with an arsenal of weapons and a grand plan to bring the city to its knees, the bats may be in over their heads.On top of that, Dick Grayson, menace extraordinaire, is tempting as ever.
Relationships: Dick Grayson/Jason Todd, Jason Todd/Original Character(s), Tim Drake & Dick Grayson & Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne & Damian Wayne
Comments: 56
Kudos: 231





	1. Blue

_The soul welcomes the bluest night, aware that the light will return._

_It hurts._

_Everything hurts._

_I can’t move my legs._

_He has left by now, maybe because he got bored or maybe because I blacked out. I don’t know._

_I don’t know anything anymore beyond the pain in my body. I shouldn’t be here. I should have stayed home, let him handle it like a good little soldier._

_Mom._

_I want my mom._

_But she can’t help me now. She isn’t here anymore._

_But he will. I know, he will. He promised to take care of me- keep me safe._

_I called the boy wonder, maybe he’ll be there too. Maybe I’ll get a full night of sleep when we get home._

_The timer is still ticking._

_I can’t shut it off. The noise hurts my brain. Or maybe that’s just from the hole in my skull._

_I try to crawl closer but I can’t move anything. There’s blood dripping into my eyes. I’ve always hated how messy things got with this job._

_Dick was never this messy._

_Maybe Dick will stay tonight, eat some of Alfred’s cooking and watch TV like we did on Halloween. I miss him. The Manor is too silent when he’s not there. Maybe we can have a burger or something. Maybe he’ll show me his new moves. I like when we train together._

_He doesn’t hit as hard as B._

_I can’t breathe right. There is something wet in my lungs._

_It’s blood._

_I know it is. I can feel it in my mouth. It tastes like iron._

_I want to spit it out but I can’t turn around on the floor._

_The timer shows fifty seconds now._

_If only that ticking would stop._

_I hate the sound of clocks ticking._

_I can’t see the timer anymore._

_My vision is blurring. Maybe I should have tried to fight him off better. Maybe if I had been faster then I wouldn’t be injured right now. Dick wouldn’t have been this stupid._

_I’ll never be him._

_B should hurry. I think the timer is around twenty seconds now._

_I want to go home._

_It hurts so bad._

_I wanna go home.  
He’ll get me out. He promised. I know, he’ll be there. _

_My vision is blurry._

_I can’t see anything._

_It’s dark.  
_

_It hurts._

_He’ll be there._

_He’ll save me._

_I trust him._

_He’ll come for me._

_He’ll save me._

_Batman will save me._

_Bruce will save me._

_I’m sorry, I wasn’t good enough.  
_

_I’m sorry.  
_

_Help me!_

_Please!  
_

_I’m sor-_

* * *

“Jason? Jason!”

He was startled when Tim’s voice exploded in his ear.

“What?” something tasted foul in his mouth.

“I said: do you have any word on that shipment?”

“What shipment?”

Tim looked at him with all the disdain of someone who has been awake for too long and was losing his patience quickly. Jason needed a minute to regain his senses, find out where he was.

The smell of blood was still in his nose and he barely refrained from touching his skull to see if there was a bump on his head.

“The firearms? Two-face thugs? Does any of this ring a bell?” It did not. When Jason expressed that with a shake of his head, the replacement rolled his eyes at him but didn’t comment.

Jason felt eyes on him and looked up.

Great.

The Golden Boy of all people had apparently decided to make this the one day in his life where he was observant. 

“Jay?”

Yeah no. This was not a therapy session and just because he had zoned out for a little didn’t mean he needed the concerned face. Dick made his way over now, apparently not deterred by the scowl Jason had schooled his features to. He forced himself to remain still, perfectly aware that his hands were shaking.

There was no reason to breathe so hard while just standing there. He had to calm down.

So what if he had been back to that night?

That was nobody’s business but his own. Suck it up, a voice in his head snarled at him. He clenched his teeth.

“Where did you go to?”

Aaaaand here it was. Dick’s mother-hen mode. There was not a plethora of things Jason loathed this much. He shrugged, hoping to tell Dick to save it. The elder looked as if he wanted to press but changed his mind in the span of a second. His fingers skimmed over Jason’s shoulders in passing, almost like an afterthought. He ducked out of the way the second the touch registered in his body. 

“Fuck off, Dickface.”

Maybe the tone had been a little harsh, maybe he should have been more careful with his words because Dick flinched back so hard he bumped into the table behind him.

Either way, the reaction had not been voluntary and therefore especially violent. Jason scratched his head, feeling a bit sheepish with all the eyes in the room on him.

Desperate to escape the sudden spotlight, he stalked to one of the screens where Tim was typing away.

“Sooo, bad day?” The replacement asked without looking up. Jason crossed his arms and raised a brow, silently daring the boy to continue his snarky commentary.

Once he felt like everybody was back to business, Jason stole a hesitant glance at Dick. He was hunched over a tablet, idly playing with a pen. His shoulders held a certain tension though, one that Jason recognised as Dick being anxious. He hadn’t meant to shove him away. But the gentle squeeze of his hand had sent Jason into a frenzy and a knee-jerk reaction had followed.

Truth was, he had never been good with tactile people but after his time spent six feet under, he had a hard time tolerating touch in general.

It felt like needles on sunburnt skin and Dick’s tenderness hurt in ways that went beyond physical.

He continued to stare at the wall, mind drifting to a place he rarely allowed it to go, especially considering where he was. Still, he couldn’t help it. The violent reaction to a simple gesture of soothing threw him for a loop. He should be better by now, less angry, less volatile. And yet he couldn’t stop feeling cornered whenever someone came too close, touched him too gently.

Because he had come back wrong. None of them had put a finger on it yet but it was there plain as day. There was something off about him, something that didn’t quite fit. It was the price one paid, he thought to himself. Cheating death cost more than a life. It cost the soul. And Jason felt like his body had been put together while his soul had been left behind in the pit, forever drowning in green acid. Sometimes he could still feel it, as if he was back there. Suffocating from pain and lack of air.

He would turn in his sleep then, would stare at the scars in his chest. He looked ugly, torn apart. If only he could go back- to that day and walk away before hell came crashing down on him. He should have stayed dead, he sometimes thought. Because maybe the price for resurrection was too high to pay. Maybe he was damaged beyond repair, lost in an eternal sea of green without hope. Over and over one thought circled in his head.

He had come back wrong. And no amount of healing would ever let him be the way he was before.

Before he had been broken.

Before he had been abandoned.

Before he had died.

While he stared out of the window, he was certain that something had been left behind in that pit. That a piece of him was missing. He just hoped, it wouldn’t matter in the end, that it wasn’t something he couldn’t go without. Maybe, if he got used to the dull ache, the violent bursts of anger, the madness just a grasp away, then he could go on.

Deep down, where he didn’t dare let himself ponder about, he couldn’t shake the urgent feeling that it was something essential.

And that he would never get it back.

* * *

Two-face was indeed shipping firearms. If Jason had paid any attention to Tim’s babbling he would probably be at his safehouse right now and not in handcuffs in the back of a moving van.

Well, there were nights like these, he supposed. Still, it put a damper on his resume. Getting captured so easily was beyond pathetic. Then again, maybe he could play it off as deliberate. Once he got out of the handcuffs that is.

Unfortunately, it seemed as if Two-face had taken some of the Riddler’s advice and had invested in a new set of handcuffs that weren’t as easy to pick as Jason was used to. They were still handcuffs, however. And Jason could get out of anything if he put his mind to it.

Ah, there it was.

A sigh escaped him when the metal didn’t cut into his wrists anymore. Freedom. Such a treat.

After that, it was all a little chaotic. The van didn’t make it to the haven. At least not in one piece. But then again, Jason didn’t really care what they did with it afterwards. He had somehow managed to not only not crash it into a pillar but also had knocked out two thugs while driving. In his book, that was kind of impressive.

What was not impressive or even remotely appealing was the shimmer of blue that flung itself from a roof nearby. Even if he hadn’t recognised the costume, he would have recognised the- in his opinion completely unnecessary- acrobatics it took to stick the landing. While Nightwing was making his way over, Jason managed to get a good grip on the roof of the van and unbuckled his seatbelt.

It was a bit harder to do than normally since the van had somehow ended up on its head. Not Jason’s fault. One of the thugs had been insistent and Jason had reacted by taking a corner with too much momentum. Turned out, rent-a-vans were not as stable as they looked.

Man, if he’d known Nightwing was out on patrol tonight, he would have just let the thugs deliver him to two-face wrapped like a Christmas present. So far, he had done a fairly good job at avoiding the Golden boy for the last month. No particular reason, of course.

“Fancy meeting you here, Hood.” God, was there any day in the calendar where Dick didn’t sound chipper?

“Need some help?”

No. No, he did not need some help. Thank you very much.

The van was still upside down, however, and Dick’s legs- as good as they looked- weren’t half as attractive from this perspective.

Okay, so, maybe he did need a little help. Didn’t mean he had to like it.

Dick knelt down and wrenched the door off its handles.

“Showoff,” Jason muttered under his breath before climbing out.

“Right back atcha,” Dick chirped like he was imitating a bird.

“I didn’t show off.”

“Oh, so that van turned upside down on its own? And knocked out four two-face thugs with it?”

“No.”

“That’s what I thought,” Jason had the sudden urge to knock out those pearly whites.

“Anyway. You wanna go after two-face? Dami sent me the coordinates for that shipment I assume you’ve been trying to get your hands on.”

Jason was seriously tempted to turn heel and head back to his safehouse. Joining Nightwing would give up some common ground he had worked hard to recover since their last meeting. Not that that had been Dick’s fault.

For once.

Jason had just realised that he couldn’t be around the guy without a hand on the shoulder or a hand on his arm. Because Dick was tactile that way. And he didn’t want to confront that particular demon. At least not right now.

That the way Dick’s spandex covered his figure and still showed more than it was hiding was part of the problem. He had hoped his infatuation with the Boy Wonder would have vanished after the pit, but then again, why would it.

Dick hadn’t changed after all.

Or rather, he had, but in a direction that Jason wasn’t that comfortable with. Dick’s mission nowadays seemed to consist of big-brother mode, check-ins that were beyond intrusive topped with an exhausting wish to form one happy family that Jason, for some unfathomable reason, was part of. Not that he hadn’t tried to dodge each and every attempt at pulling him back in.

And he still didn’t belong to the bats, not really, even though he wore their symbol on his chest. He just- he would help them out from time to time but that didn’t mean their issues had just evaporated.

Dick suddenly snapped his fingers in front of Jason’s face. Apparently, he had drifted again. That happened more often than Jason would have liked, but what have you. It’s not like he could help it.

“Jason.”

“What?” and now Dick had the gall to roll his eyes.

“I asked if you wanted to go after two-face,” he hesitated briefly “with me.”

Jason didn’t really know why there had been a pause or why Dick needed to stress that he would come with. That much had been obvious from the moment he had flung himself down from that building like they were in a goddamn circus.

And now he was thinking about clowns. 

Great. Just what he needed.

Seriously, this was turning out to be one hell of a night.

Before he let those thoughts creep back in, he agreed. Dick pulled out his bike from god knows where and motioned for Jason to straddle it.

“Uh,” was all he had to say to that. But at least, he would hold onto Dick and not the other way around. And if he kept his groin away from Dick’s ass and scooted as far back as he could, then that was his business.

The ride was short- thankfully- and Jason had barely taken three steps when the warehouse in front of them blew up.

He ducked behind a container, pulling Dick with him and cursed. He hated explosions.

“What is going on?” Dick sounded as clueless as Jason felt. Why on earth would someone blow up that warehouse? Two-face wasn’t one for explosions and it was his own shipment anyway. He would rather shoot himself in the head before losing that much money. Even if he had somehow found out that his thugs had driven his van against the wall and that Red Hood was on his case, he would have made a run for it with as many firearms as he could.

They waited until the smoke had lifted a bit. Dick talked to someone over his comms, using a lot of frantic hand gestures and colourful vocabulary. Jason smirked. It sounded as if Dick was pissed off that he had almost gotten blown up.

“We should go in,” a tap on his shoulder brought him back to the situation at hand.

The warehouse was empty safe for the shipment or what would have been the shipment if not for the explosion. Astoundingly, no one had been inside when the building had been blown up.

And that it had been blown up was more than evident by the smell of dynamite. Jason wondered briefly why whoever had done this hadn’t waited until they were inside. But then again, they had probably not been aware that Nightwing and Red Hood had been lurking at their doorstep.

“We done here?” he barked out, a little overwhelmed by the smell and the memories it stirred. God, he was seriously fucked up. If he didn’t get that anxiety under control, he would probably have to wave his Hood goodbye. What good was the Red Hood if he was triggered by every damn explosion?

“Wanna grab something to eat?” The question made him halt in his steps. He turned to stare at Dick, a little incredulously, a little suspiciously. Since when did they do dinner?

“It’s just- it’s late and I could eat…” He shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal but Jason couldn’t help feeling like something was off.

“I don’t do cereal for dinner.” he hadn’t meant to say it. But Dick’s face caught in surprise and then erupted in a blinding smile. And maybe his stomach fluttered at that, but then again, he was really hungry himself. It was probably just that.

Right?

“Pizza? I know a place…” he still sounded unsure and Jason couldn’t figure out why. But he could also eat a horse right now, so the decision was a fast one.

“Your treat.”

“Of course.” And, okay, that eye roll was fully justified.  
  


* * *

Gotham was drowning in a thunder storm. Jason cursed the weather, his jacket, his bike after it had given up on him and every deity that was still listening. It didn’t help as much as he would have hoped. To make matters worse, he spotted a red and a green flash of colour in a back alley to his right. Rolling his eyes to himself, he approached.

“No evenings off when you’re a bat?” He snickered when Red Robin and Robin jumped three feet in the air upon hearing his voice behind them. They scowled at him, but then again, the demon spawn rarely did anything else when Jason was present and his relationship with Tim was built on biting sarcasm.

Upon closer inspection, he noticed that they were as drenched as he was and looking rather pale around their noses.

“What’s going on?”

Tim seemed as if he was contemplating whether or not to answer, when the spawn pushed past Jason and into the street.

“What’s gotten his knickers in a twist?” Last time Jason checked, he hadn’t done anything to piss off the kid.

“We lost the guy we were tracking.” Jason longed to make a comment, rub it in that he hadn’t lost anyone for a long time, but something in the way Tim had said it, clicked.

“We don’t really know. He’s- he’s new in town and nobody really has something on him.”

“So why track him?”

“People have gone missing.”

“People do that around here.”

“Not like that. There’s no trace of a fight, no witnesses, nothing. They just vanished.”

“You think he’s taking them?”

“No. Someone would have seen a car, a van, anything.”

“Who are those people exactly?”

“Homeless people.” Jason raised a brow and even though Tim couldn’t have seen the motion underneath the helmet, he still rolled his eyes.

“I know. That’s what B said too. But it’s a pattern. I looked it up. And Damian agrees.”

Huh. Now that was interesting.

“So, you’re out on your own?” Great. A coffee addict and a twelve-year old looking for the new Big Bad without daddy’s permission. Just what he needed.

“Kinda.”

Jason’s fingers itched to call Alfred, hell, even Dick, someone. An adult. That was before he realised that he was indeed an adult himself and fully capable of playing babysitter for one night.

“Where has the gremlin gone to?”

A snarl behind him and the sound of a sword being pulled from the sheath was kind of a giveaway.

* * *

Jason should have seen it coming. He should have called Bruce the second he had realised something was severely off. But he hadn’t.

And now hell was descending upon them with the fury of a thousand devils. Jason barely dodged a bullet while grabbing Damian at the collar and shoving him to the side. A sound pierced his ears then, hollow, pained. He watched in slow motion as Tim fell to the ground, his knees instantly giving out. He didn’t need to be a doctor to know the shot had hit an aorta. Damian cursed.

The rain of bullets wouldn’t stop. They couldn’t get to Tim and Tim didn’t move. His face had turned white. Jason held onto Tim’s eyes while trying to shoot as many of the bad guys around him as he could. He didn’t give a flying fuck if he killed them.

“Stay awake, Red! Don’t you dare close your eyes!”

“Trying!” Tim pressed out. Jason saw how hard he fought to remain conscious and his panic hit full force. This was his responsibility. He should have checked the building before going in.

“Todd!” he whipped around to see Damian with a gun pointed to his head. The man holding it had an ugly smile on his face. Two other armed men were still shooting at them but Jason didn’t care.

He let his gun drop, eyes fixed on Damian.

“You see, the boss doesn’t like when people come snooping.” the guy shoved Damian so hard, he toppled over. Jason clenched his fists. As much as he they had their differences, he would not let someone push the kid around. Not on his watch.

“And he’s not particularly fond of the bats or you.”

Jason realised just then what would happen if he didn’t move right the fuck now.

So, he did.

Headfirst, he smashed into the guy who was so surprised by the momentum that he didn’t even react. Damian, to his credit, was incredibly fast. He picked up Jason’s gun from the ground and fired at the two men left. Neither bullet hit somewhere deadly, but they went down like bags of rice.

Meanwhile, Jason was punching the living daylights out of the idiot under him.

There was a rush in his ears and his vision was tinted red. It felt so good. The bones cracking under his onslaught of punches, the smell of blood in his nostrils. 

“Todd-” Once more, Damian’s voice ripped him out of it. He stared down for a second, knuckles bleeding heavily and only now realised that the guy was dead.

“Todd,” the kid was pulling at his jacket. Jason turned to bark at him but saw movement in his peripheral.

_Tim._

He was up and running before his brain caught up with him. Once he reached Tim, pale and breathing shallowly, he pressed his hands against the bullet wound in his thigh.

alarms

“Todd-” Damian piped up again and Jason realised two things. One, that he was injured and trying to hide it and two, that he was terrified.

“Call Bruce.” when he still didn’t move, Jason yelled at him loud enough for Tim to flinch.

“Call Dick! Call Bruce! Call somebody! NOW!”

Jason didn’t need to look to know he had. Tim was still breathing but only just. Jason pressed down harder.

“You listen to me, baby bird. You’re not going to die. Not tonight. And not on my watch. Are we clear?”

* * *

The batmobil had come to a screeching halt and Bruce had jumped out looking furious. He had ushered Damian into the car and had carried Tim as fast as he could without hurting him more.

“What were you thinking!” he had asked Jason, unspoken accusation filling every word.

Jason hadn’t even tried to answer. It was futile anyway.

“Get cleaned up.” had been thrown at him when Jason had tried to pick Tim up himself.

“But-”

“Goodbye, Jason!” Bruce had slammed the car door shut and had hit the gas without another word.

Jason felt his inside clench uncomfortably. He had been trying to help and had fucked up like he always did. With clammy fingers, he removed the helmet and the domino and zipped up his jacket.

If only he could wash the blood from his conscience as easily.

The streets were still dark when he made it to his favourite bridge. At least here nobody would throw accusations at him.

Tim would pull through, he tried to tell himself. There was no way he wouldn’t. The kid was tough. He would be dandy once Alfred worked his magic. Just dandy.

“Are you lost?” Jason startled badly when a voice piped up behind him.

“What’s it to you?” He bit out before looking at the stranger. He had a kind smile, but then again, this was Gotham. Dent had had a kind smile too- once.

“Nothing. You just look like you could need an umbrella and a map with directions on it.”

“I live here.”

“Doesn’t mean you’re not lost.”

“Fuck off.”

“No, thank you.” A pause, then he pointed at Jason’s arms and asked:

“Do you always do that?”

“Do what?”

“Scratch yourself bloody.” Yeah, he hadn’t realised he had been doing it again. It made his stomach churn uncomfortably.

“No.”

“Whatever you say.”

“Can you just leave? I’m trying to have some peace and quiet here.” And trying not to fling himself down from the bridge and hope that the water would wash off the clammy feeling of nearly having lost the replacement tonight.

Was he supposed to call them? Ask if he could help?

He doubted he was welcome in the cave after the bat’s abrupt departure. Still, if only someone could let him know how Tim was doing, that he wasn’t dead. Maybe, he could call Dick. If he even picked up.

“You’re doing it again.”

“None of your business.”

“I think I can help.” That pulled him right out of his thoughts.

“What?”

A card was shoved at him with a number on it. Jason was one second away from punching the guy in the face for being so blunt but then the words underneath his name caught up with his brain. He opened his mouth to speak up but the guy was gone, walking in the opposite direction.

His lungs, for the first time tonight, expanded.

* * *

Dick had gotten the call while on duty, otherwise, he would have been in full Nightwing attire. He kicked in the door on his left, having heard a scream in the otherwise silent building. He briefly contemplating having heard that voice before, but didn’t pause to analyse.

That the noise of such a violent action would cause some of the scum in this place to crawl out of their holes and capture him, should have been obvious, but Dick’s foot had acted without his explicit permission.

Apparently, today was full of surprises, seeing as he stopped short in the doorway once he realised what was going on inside the room. His brain short-circuited.

Because the figure tied to a bed was- was-

“Jason?!?”

No.

_No._

Seven hells, no. This was not happening. Dick was imaging things. His baby brother was not currently tied to a bed, naked as the day he had been born and covered in blue wax. This was not what was going on and he would not think about it.

“What the fuck?” A foreign voice suddenly appeared on Dick’s right. The face which it belonged to had all the signs of utter shock displayed on it. Dick had no idea what was happening. And he wasn’t particularly sure, he even wanted to find out.

All of this screamed catastrophe louder than any batsignal ever could.

“Dick.” Jason sounded like this was just them running into each other on patrol and not him being tied to a bed with blue- fucking blue- wax covering his abs. Dick didn’t let his gaze stray any further down than that.

Why was the wax blue? Last time he’d checked, Jason’s favourite colour was red, judging by the red bat proudly displayed on his suit. Did it really have to be blue? As if Dick didn’t have enough problems when Jason wore his sweaters after training because he forgot to bring his own.

“What is this? What are you doing here?” Dick asked once he had finally found his voice from where he had dropped it at the door. Jason shrugged as much as he was able to with hands tied to the headboard.

“Jason,” the guy Dick had briefly forgotten about spoke up.

“Cy meet Dick,” Jason said, completely nonchalantly and added “adopted brother” almost like an afterthought.

A look of understanding crossed the guy’s face. Dick was startled when he was offered a hand to shake. Maybe he was in an alternate universe and slowly catching on?

“Good to meet you.”

“You too,” Dick somehow managed to say.

“Mind telling me why you kicked down the door like I’m harbouring a fugitive?”

“I was- there was- we got a call about a sex trafficking ring.”

“Well, that’s not what I’m doing so, unless you want to join in, I’m gonna have to ask you to step back outside.”

“Jay-”

“See ya, Dickie.”

“Will I?” Dick asked softly while retreating. He hadn’t missed the flicker in Jason’s eyes he had seen so many times before. He knew, just then, that Jason’s flight instinct had kicked in with the force of a freight train.

Because Dick had seen him being vulnerable and he didn’t know how to handle that. Dick hoped, while making sure nobody was actually being trafficked in this building, that Jason wouldn’t just run like he had the last time Dick had discovered something about him. It would break his heart to be responsible for Jason being alone once again.

Even if it was by his own choice.

* * *

He couldn’t stop thinking about it. Frustrating as it was. And not only because Jason had looked damn good spread out like that, but because Dick had never seen him without a shirt on since he had come back. There were scars in his chest of wounds that had not been sown together well. The image had embedded itself in Dick’s head with the force of a sledgehammer.

Were those courtesy of the Joker? Was that what had happened to him in there?

Or were those new ones, acquired by their lifestyle and Jason’s carelessness?

Dick pondered, contemplated calling Bruce. But even if he did, what would he say? Hey, B, I know it’s a tough spot but can you tell me what happened to Jason, you know, when he died?

He didn’t remember that night. It had been a night like any other. What he did remember is the moment he had listened to his voicemail. Jason had sounded so embarrassed to have been calling.

He shook himself out of the memory before that pit in his stomach opened any further.

Back in reality, he typed in another location where he knew Jason had once had a safehouse. Apparently, it was abandoned, though.

He had been on the look for Jason since the night he had helped Tim and Damian track down a new Big Bad. When he had heard what had happened, he had tried to reach out to Jason but had found himself unable to.

A conversation with Bruce that had consisted of Dick asking questions and Bruce staring at a spot above his head, had told him all he had needed to know. If only those two could sit down and talk…

He shook his head.

Jason was a walking menace and Bruce was a brick wall. It would take more than one conversation to fix this mess.

Since they were talking about messes. Dick was currently also in one. Namely wasting good police resources to dig up dirt about that Cyrus guy. There had to be something wrong with him, right?

No way he was a good guy. Because if he and Jason were romantically involved…

Dick chose not to elaborate on that thought. He knew, deep down, that Jason deserved to be with the man if he wanted but he couldn’t deny, it hurt a little. Still, their relationship was never easy and would probably never be.

“You could just talk to him, you know? Stalking only goes that far.”

“Jesus Christ!” Dick hadn’t even heard Tim approach, much less had realised he had leaned over Dick’s shoulder and was currently checking his screen.

“Is that his boyfriend.”

“NO!” he grimaced “At least, I don’t think it is.”

“Have you called him?”

“No.”

“You should.” With that, Tim hobbled to the coffee machine and was dead to the world. Coffee had that effect on him.

Just then, and as if Tim had been blessed with the vision, Dick’s phone vibrated in his pocket. For a moment or two, his heart tried to leap out of his chest. He fumbled with the device, afraid of what he would find once he looked at it. However, all of his nightmares remained inside his head where they belonged seeing as none of them had come true. Instead, he realised belatedly, that Jason had sent him a text. If he didn’t know any better, he would have sworn that Tim’s timing had been awfully on point.

Maybe he had given Jason a shovel-talk too?

No.

He would stop that train of thought right there. Jason would never-

_Dock 3. 9.30pm, tomorrow._

But then again, maybe he would. Dick refused to let his mind wander back to that evening when he had last seen Jason. That was too much to take, even for him. So, instead of answering, he stored the phone back in his pocket and went about his day.

Or that was what he liked to tell himself.

The truth, plain and simple, was that it bugged him more than he was ready to admit. He had always been dangerously curious and now, confronted with such a huge secret, he couldn’t let it slide. A need thrummed under his collar, to throw caution out of the window and track Jason down until he got answers. The more rational part of his brain refused to let him do something so stupid.

But the urge was still there, even after arguing with himself, telling himself that it could be a trap or not even Jason’s real number. He ignored the warning signs. Images of Jason’s body covered in wax, writhing on some dirty sheets and about zero point one seconds away from coming, did things to him he resolutely refused to analyse. That was, however, how he found himself at the docks at precisely 9.20pm the next day.

He calmed himself down enough to, at least not kick down another door and instead pressed the handle.

_The door swung open._

Nothing at all could have prepared him for the sight he was greeted with. His eyes couldn’t take all of it in at once, so they strayed from one thing to the other until they settled on the bed.

“He looks a treat alright, doesn’t he?” Dick whipped around fast, craning his neck.

“Jesus!” He exclaimed, hand pressed against his chest.

“Not really. Though some do call me God in the heat of the moment.” Cyrus stalked to the bed, drawing attention to the man with a mask covering his face that was spread out all over it, tied down by handcuffs and ropes around his wrists and ankles. Oh, and he was naked.

Scars covered his body, disclosing his identity, even if Dick hadn’t already known who he was.

“Was afraid you wouldn’t show, you know? After that scene you made last time.” Cyrus adjusted one of the ropes around Jason’s ankles, grinning deviously when Jason flinched.

“Don’t-” Dick couldn’t help himself, his hand automatically shot out to stop him.

“Don’t what? Hurt him?”

Dick nodded, afraid to speak.

“I’m afraid that’s part of the deal.” He did not sound sorry about that, excited more likely.

“How-” Dick started to ask but changed course “why are you doing this?”

“Because he pays well,” Cyrus’ gaze travelled over Jason’s exposed body in an appreciative way.

“And, to be perfectly honest- he’s handsome as hell.”

That much Dick could agree with. At least, in the privacy of his own head.

Cyrus let his nails rake over Jason’s chest just then. Dick winced when Jason tried to pull away.

“Oh, come on. He’s not fragile.”

“I don’t- that’s not-” He hated being at such a loss for words, hated even more that he couldn’t articulate how much he wanted Jason to stop this nonsense and get dressed.

“That all you’ve got to say?”

Dick tried in vain to speak up. Cyrus rolled his eyes.

“You came here. After getting an eyeful last time, you still came here when he asked you to. Now, I’m a curious chap, so, tell me: why is that?”

Dick spluttered at being put on the spot like that.

“Want to know what I think?”

There was no sense refusing since Cyrus already continued.

“I think you got damn curious after turning the place on its head and when he texted you to come see that’s exactly what you did. All those conflicting emotions, all these desires and protective instincts that went off in your brain like that nuisance of a batsignal after he bashed open that door with that attitude of his and dangled that forbidden carrot in front of you.”

“Bullshit! As if I-” Outraged is what he was. This was ridiculous and he wold not listen to it for a minute longer.

“If you’re seriously tryin’ to tell me, for even one second, that you’re not picturing it right now, him on his knees, gorgeous blue eyes staring up at you, a pout on those delicious lips as he begs for you to let him touch you, for _you_ to touch _him,_ then I’mma call you a bloody bold-faced liar.”

Dick flushed, averted his gaze from Jason altogether as he writhed in his bonds.

“He uh he isn’t- he can’t hear-”

“No. He can’t hear us. He’s just a little worked up, you see.”

As if to prove a point, he stepped closer and let his fingers ghost over Jason’s abdomen. Dick watched, his heart beating up to his ears, when Jason arched his back, chasing the sensation.

“How-” Dick had to clear his throat before continuing “How long-”

“I’ve had him like this for an hour.”

“An hour?” Surely not. Surely, Jason didn’t like that. Not after what he had been through. It didn’t sit well with Dick. He couldn’t comprehend how Jason could give up his control like that.

“Hmhm.” Cyrus let the sound roll around on his tongue and sounded so goddamn smug about. Dick had a sudden wish to bash in his teeth. Jason deserved-

“Now, don’t look at me like I’ve denied your favourite puppy a treat.”

God. That was such a gross comparison that Dick didn’t even want to think about it.

“He likes it that way, you know?”

“How- how can he like to be-” he gestured to the sheen of sweat covering Jason’s body.

“To be treated like that.” He had seen Jason being tied down before, had witnessed just how much panic it set off. So, how was this any different? How could he lie on the bed without a care in the world and let some guy torture him? Hadn’t he been hurt enough already?

“Like what?” Cyrus grinned, all faked innocence and cockiness packed up in one lip movement. Dick didn’t know whether to hit him or untie Jason.

“Oh, you mean like this?”

An infuriatingly spiked wheel was in his hands and before Dick could protest, he let it travel over Jason’s chest inching close to his exposed cock but not touching it. Jason keened, throwing his head from one side to the other.

Dick couldn’t get behind it. Logically, he knew that Jason was hurting but the blush on his cheeks and the strain of his cock that had, once more started to ooze precome, told a different story.

“Why-” It was all he could ask, all there was to ask.

“Why does he like it?” Dick nodded, a stiff motion, while his eyes had glued themselves to Jason’s form without his permission.

“It’s not for me to tell.”

“But-”

“Nope.”

“So, how does this work?” Dick scratched the back of his head, desperate to give this conversation a semblance of normalcy.

“Want me to give you a run down? Play by play?”

“No!”

_God no._

As if.

The prospect alone was-

“Whatever you need to tell yourself, mate.”

Ridiculous is what it was. He should have left long ago. Jason didn’t want him here and he sure as hell should stop ogling him like he was dessert. And now he was comparing Jason to a sweet treat and it was putting images in his head that he really-

“Doesn’t look like you’re not interested to me, though.” He shrugged his shoulders, resumed his position at Jason’s side and rummaged through a box on the nightstand.

“I’m not interested.” Because he couldn’t be. He wasn’t allowed to be. No matter what Jason thought or had implied. This could not happen. It wasn’t right.

“Sure. And that’s why you haven’t turned heel yet.” He tapped his chin as if in deep thought.

“Not like that’s your supposed baby brother tied to a bed, naked and turned on, aching to be touched.”

As if on cue, Jason made a soft sound at those words, startling Dick again. He feared, for that moment, that he had heard, that he must know-

“Why- why are- stop saying things like that…” Dick hated how short his breath had become.

“It’s the truth.” How could he be so nonchalant about this?

“I don’t- I’m not interested.” If he said it with enough conviction, maybe, just maybe, he could convince himself.

“Then get the hell outta here and let me do my job!”

“No.” He couldn’t leave now, could he? Not after he had watched, had seen all of that. He needed an answer, needed to know how this was even happening, why Jason had invited him to watch.

Maybe if he continued to tell himself that, he would sleep better at night.

“Why, hm? What’s it to you?” He fiddled with something leathery that Dick didn’t want to pay too much attention to, for fear of imaging those leather stripes striking Jason’s skin in a soft caress.

“Because, me thinketh thou protest too much.” he singsonged while letting the leather dance over Jason’s belly and back up to his chest.

“Screw you.”

“Screw _him_.”

“Don’t be crass.” He snorted and it made him look a lot less attractive, in Dick’s opinion. But then again, maybe he was biased and fishing for reasons here.

“Oh, does that get to you? Hearing me talk about how I’ll be screwing your baby brother the minute you step outside of this room? How he’ll beg me to do what I want with-”

Dick hadn’t meant to shove him. But he had enjoyed it probably more than he should have had.

“Hit a nerve, have I?” Yes. Yes, he had. But there was no need to tell him that.

“Just-” Dick forced himself to steady his breath.

“Just tell me what you do to him.” There was still this underlaying worry that Jason was being abused here, that he needed rescuing. And rescue him, he would. Dick would shoot the guy if he found out Jason hadn’t consented or had been forced to make an uninformed decision.

“Not until you tell me why it irks you so much.” Dick had to physically hold himself back from throwing fists.

“None of your business.”

“Well then, don’t let the door hit you on the way out!”

“Alright!” Dick bit out, fists clenched at his sides in an effort to control his nerves.

“ _Fuck._ Alright. I want to know because-”

He couldn’t. He just couldn’t say it, couldn’t admit to it and yet knew, deep down, that it was true. His eyes strayed to Jason once more, took in how his body moved on the bed in that beautiful arch.

“Because I-” It pained him. It pained him so much to even think it. Because Jason didn’t deserve Dick drooling over him.

“Because it turns you on, seeing him like that.”

 _“Yes.”_ he breathed, voice barely above a whisper, pupils instantly dilating at even letting the thought cross his mind. Revelation and damnation, Dick realised, were sometimes separated by just a breath.

“Alright then. Suit yourself,” he gestured to a chair on Jason’s right side, which Dick pulled closer and sat down on. He crossed his arms, mostly to anchor himself.

“He came to me, barging in like he was God knows who. Demanded I take him on as a client.”

“Couldn’t really have that. So, I sat him down and made him fill out a list- you know? Hard nos and such- I’m not a complete asshole after all.”

“And he just filled it out?”

“On the spot.” Cyrus said with a dismissive hand gesture.

Dick had trouble believing that.

“I got the sense, he was desperate.”

Absentmindedly, he let his fingers trail over Jason’s thigs. Dick saw them quiver at receiving attention, his hands briefly tightened their hold of the bonds.

“Desperate?” The word dried in his mouth.

“That does something for you?”

Apparently, an answer was not required since he kept talking without needing Dick to confirm.

“Anyway. Thing is, desperate, as hot as it sounds, ain’t any good at the start of a scene. Much less if it’s someone’s first time…”

“Why not?”

“Because you gloss over stuff to get down and dirty fast. You don’t pay attention to the details ‘cause your head is sexed up on adrenaline.”

Dick had trouble not imagining Jason desperate to get laid.

“So, I made him come back the next day.”

“You- wait, what?”

“I made him come back the next day, after he’d done some research and had his head on straight and his nerves under control,” he paused, looking contemplative.

“As much as he could anyway.”

He seemed, for a moment, caught in recapitulation, as if the memory of just how nervous Jason had been was haunting him. Dick could relate. He could imagine vividly. Cyrus shook it off when he noticed Dick’s attention had once again shifted towards Jason’s writhing form.

“You can touch him…” The suggestion came softly, a nudge merely.

“I can’t-”

“Why not?” He grabbed Dick’s hand just then, prepared to make the move for him.

“He wants you to.”

“No, he doesn’t.” Because he couldn’t. This was Jason. Jason, who Dick had let down so many times, he couldn’t even count them. There was no way that Jason would want this from him, would even be okay with that. And Dick was not going to take a stranger’s word for it.

“Oh, yeah, he does. Or why do you think I’m fine with you in here? I would have kicked you out the minute you set foot in this room if it weren’t for him.”

“What- what does that mean?” He was not hoping, not at all.

“It means, you idiot, that he came to me because he couldn’t get what he needed from the person he needed it from.” When Dick didn’t have anything to say to that, Cyrus rolled his eyes.

“Do I really need to spell this out for you or did you finally find your brain in that large head of yours?”

“Me. He wants _me_ to…” The gesture he made didn’t quite entail what he meant but since he couldn’t put it into words, it would have to do.

“Yes!”

“Oh.” He couldn’t process all the emotions that rushed through him at that statement.

“And if you don’t want that, which is your right and I won’t judge you, but then you have to really get a move on because this, right now, is not an ideal scene and I want to get to the good part before he drops too far.”

“Drops too far?”

“Into subspace. You know? High on endorphins and feel-good hormones.”

Dick had heard of that before but he hadn’t paid close attention to it. There hadn’t been any need for it until now.

“So, I’m gonna ask you one more time: you want in or out?”

Dick looked at Jason, then at Cyrus and back at Jason. And suddenly, the decision was easy.

“In.” Dick could have sworn he saw the corners of Jason’s mouth tick but in the next moment, the expression had vanished.

“Kay, let’s get to it then.”

“What, now?”

“Yes, now. Or did you think I was going to give you a manual?”

“No…”

“Right. So, first, you have to always monitor how he’s feeling. I don’t care if you’re a second away from blowing, you need to make sure he’s still on board. The second he starts showing even a glimpse of being uncomfortable, you have to pull the brakes.”

He stood and Dick noticed the change in air immediately.

“I usually start with something light. There’s no sense in bringing out a whip and smacking him raw. That’s not what this is about. But, since I’ve had him here for quite some time before you came in, we can continue with something a bit-” he made a crass hand gesture “spicier.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You ever hold a paddle?”

“No!” Dick stepped back, a little alarmed at the rate this was going.

“Relax, for god’s sake…”

“Sorry if I’m not used to smacking people around with a paddle,” Dick couldn’t help himself. Sarcasm was his safe retreat in situations that made him feel out of his depth.

“Whatever.” Cyrus untied Jason’s ankles and helped him onto his stomach. Dick tried (in vain) not to stare at Jason’s ass. But fuck was it difficult.

“Like what you see?”

Yes. Yes, he did. And if it weren’t for the absurdity of the situation and Cyrus in the room, he would already be all over Jason, licking and biting at every patch of skin available.

“Well, settle down then, because you’re in for a treat.”

“What-” Dick’s mouth felt horrendously dry when he watched the paddle smack against Jason’s butt. Jason groaned and rocked with the force of the hit, down against the mattress in a motion Dick recognised.

“ _Fuck_ ,” the curse was low in his throat but Cyrus had evidently caught it, if the grin on his face was anything to go by.

“Finally caught on then?” He asked over his shoulder while delivering another vicious hit that left Jason’s ass cherry red. Jason rutted against the mattress, moaning softly.

“There’s nothing that gets him off faster than getting hit…” Cyrus had leaned close to Dick as if telling him a secret, which was absurd considering Jason couldn’t hear them.

“Even though it hurts him?” Dick asked, feeling stupid for having to.

“ _Because_ it hurts him.” Cyrus quickly corrected and Dick couldn’t detect one ounce of judgment in his voice.

“I wouldn’t tell you why he enjoys it even if I did know, which I don’t by the way, because it’s not specifically required. But if you two decide to give this a shot, and I strongly suspect you will, then I’d recommend talking about it.”

Dick wouldn’t bet on it, but he got the feeling, Cyrus was concerned about Jason and his mental state. Which said a lot about Jason’s judge of character, whatever B might have to say about it.

Dick was stupidly proud. He made a note to ask Jason how he’d even found Cyrus in the first place.

“We will,” he heard himself say. The confirmation had just slipped out. He quickly averted his gaze from Cyrus and saw Jason tensing up on the bed.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, a flare of panic lighting him up from the inside.

“Nothing, he’s just nervous because I haven’t done anything. You see, he doesn’t know when I’m gonna hit him again, so, he tenses up from time to time.” He followed it up with a hit to

Jason’s thigh that resulted in a full-body shudder and a high-pitched moan.

“See? He’s just dandy.”

“So, you just hurt him? How long does this go on? Is there a limit? Do you have like- a plan in your head or something?” 

“How about you slow down and let me answer?”

“Sorry.”

“No, I get it, I do. Just- slow down.” Cyrus let the paddle connect with Jason’s butt again, the smack loud in the room. Dick shuddered despite himself.

“There’s no real time limit, but you have to make sure not to stretch a session beyond something one or both of you can handle.”

“Both of us?”

“It’s not like this won’t be taking a toll on you too…”

“How?” Jason was the one essentially being tortured, so, how was this going to affect Dick?

“You care, don’t you? He means a lot to you, I can see that.” Dick didn’t- couldn’t- deny it.

“How do you think it will feel hitting him? Hurting him? Denying him something you can see he’s desperate for? Because that’s what he needs. For someone to take the control away from him.”

“Oh.”

“Exactly.” He drew back, just then, and let the paddle connect sharply with Jason’s buttocks.

“Fuck!”

Dick startled when he heard Jason’s voice. He had somehow forgotten that just because he couldn’t hear them that didn’t mean he couldn’t speak.

Cyrus was at the edge of the bed in the matter of seconds, pulling Jason’s head back so roughly, Dick was almost out of his own seat.

“Sorry- _fuck_ \- sorry,” Jason whimpered, body tensing.

“What are you doing?”

“There are rules. Being quiet is one of them.”

“What if he doesn’t obey?”

“He gets punished.” As if he had heard him, Jason rutted against the sheets, a moan high in his throat. Dick had trouble not reaching around and giving him a hand. But God, did he want to.

“He’s also technically not allowed to get himself off like this,” Cyrus muttered before delivering another hit.

Once more, Jason did that sinful roll of his body, fucking the mattress with the force of it.

“You really want to misbehave today, don’t you?

Jason stilled but Dick saw how much it cost him not to roll down his hips again.

“If I see you do that one more time, you’re not gonna like the consequences, understood?” The frantic nod spoke volumes about the depth of the threat.

And then, Dick put two and two together. He got to his feet with enough momentum to knock over the chair.

“You can hear him!” he accused and watched Cyrus look sheepish. That, of all things was quite the give-away. That and the fact that Jason had tensed all over, caught mid-arch.

“Dick-” Jason said and it sounded like he was trying to de-escalate from under his blindfold. The only thing his speaking up did was fuel Dick’s anger even further.

“What the hell? You told me he couldn’t- _fuck_ \- you told me he couldn’t hear us!”

“Calm down, Dickie. It’s not a big deal and you’re killing the mood.” Cyrus chose that moment to untie Jason and remove the blindfold. However, he still remained naked for some reason and

Dick, despite himself, was distracted. It lasted for maybe a second but it pissed him off beyond belief.

“Oh, excuse me! Sorry for feeling manipulated here! If I’d know you could hear us, I wouldn’t have-”

“You wouldn’t have admitted you want to fuck me.”

“No!”

“Why do you think we did that?” Cyrus suddenly inserted himself into the conversation.

“To fuck with me? Goddamn it, Jason, if this is all some elaborate prank- how could you? This is private!”

“You think it isn’t for me?”

“No! I don’t know- fuck!”

“I just- I wanted- I knew you wouldn’t admit to it if you knew I could hear you. Because that’s not who you are…”

“Then why trick me?”

“Because he needed to know how you felt without asking.”

“Thanks a lot Dr. Freud. Anything else to add to this therapy session?”

“You really wanna play that game with me, Jason?”

Jason went remarkably still as if Cyrus had threatened him with something Dick hadn’t caught. Not that he particularly cared at the moment.

“Cat got your tongue?”

“No.”

“Good. Now, why don’t you try that explanation again, hm? Without raising your voice.”

Jason looked as if he wanted to do anything but. It was why Dick was so surprised to see him open his mouth again.

“Fine,” he took a breath, “I- when you bust in, I saw- I saw the way you looked at me.”

“Okay?”

“I want- I’ve wanted-”

“You,” Cyrus said “He wants you. And I don’t know how you still don’t get it in your head that he is shit at asking for things he wants.”

“I didn’t think-”

“Then think now.”

“Can you just-” Dick didn’t know how to say it without sounding rude, “please?”

“Sure. Just don’t do anything stupid while I’m out there.” He pat Jason on the shoulder before leaving. Dick thought he recognised it in a comforting gesture.

“Put something on?” he asked Jason once the door had shut behind Cyrus.

“Why? You having trouble not staring?”

“Yes,” Dick said, throwing his hands in the air in exasperation.

“Okay.” Jason shimmied into his trousers a little too gingerly for Dick’s taste but then again, he hadn’t the slightest idea of what his butt must feel like.

“So, why the charade? You could have just told me…”

“Yeah, nice convo that would have been. Hey, Dick, wanna smack me around and then fuck me into submission until I black out?”

“Maybe not quite like that…”

“It was easier that way.”

“Was it? Lying there and hearing us talk like you weren’t there?”

“I didn’t exactly object.”

“But you should have, Jay. This isn’t healthy.”

“When have we ever been healthy?”

“We should have been this time. Especially, this time. How do you think this can work after you lied to me from the start?”

“I didn’t lie.”

“No. You just kept your mouth shut!”

“What else was I supposed to do? It’s not like I haven’t tried before!”

“Sure, because I somehow missed you telling me you want me to whip your ass and then pour wax all over it!” Dick ignored the way those words sent a heatwave through his body. This was not the time.

He wouldn’t have caught what Jason was saying if he hadn’t been staring at him already.

“I did.”

“What?”

“I did try. You just- I just thought…”

“You thought, I didn’t want you.”

The nod only confirmed what Dick had always known to be there: that feeling, rooted deep inside Jason of always getting the short end of the stick, of being unwanted.

“I was just gonna see what you’d do if you thought I couldn’t hear…”

“This can’t happen, Jay. I’m serious, if we try this, you can’t trick me like that. That’s a big deal for me, okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Hate to break this up early, guys, but my next client is here and I’d hate to keep him waiting.” 

Dick shuffled away from the bed to give Jason room to get properly dressed and reminded himself, sternly, to have a real conversation with him once he got him home.

He couldn’t help but notice however, how Jason’s hands strayed to his upper thigh every now and then. He didn’t fault him for it. Jason had to be on edge. Dick wondered why he hadn’t gotten off yet. He turned to Cyrus, who was packing up his bag.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Why-” Dick cleared his throat “Why hasn’t he- you know?”

“Come?”

“Yeah.” Dick felt his face heat even though it was absurd to suddenly develop a sense of boundary after having watched Jason hump the mattress.

“Because he hasn’t earned it.”

Right.

“What?”

“If I would have let him come, he would have felt good for about thirty seconds and then all the crap and bad feelings would have come rushing back in so fast, he wouldn’t have even had time to say ‘fuck’.”

“I don’t- I don’t think I understand.”

“Jason!” Once Jason had finally gotten his jacket over his shoulders and zipped up, still a little wobbly on his feet, Cyrus beckoned him over. Jason eyed them suspiciously but obediently crossed the room until he was towering over them.

“What’s up?”

“Wanna tell Dick here why you didn’t get to come tonight?”

Jason paled first and then blushed furiously.

“Go on.”

“I thought session’s over,” Jason bit out “You gonna order me around after it now too?”

Cyrus’ smirk could have cut through bone. He suddenly seemed way taller than a second before. Dick had rarely ever seen anyone switch from amiable to dominant so fast.

“I don’t care whether or not the session is over, I will not have you talk to me like that and if I ask you a question I expect an answer. And if you don’t want to piss me off any further, you’re going to tell him, why I didn’t let you come tonight. Are we clear?”

For a moment, Dick thought, Jason would laugh it off. But once he had gotten a good look at his face, his downcast eyes, the way he nibbled on his lip, he knew Cyrus had won.

“I didn’t-” he heaved a breath and continued to mumble something Dick couldn’t make out.

“You really want to be like that today, huh,” Cyrus said as if musing about something then he leaned in, pulling Jason down so that his ear was on the same height as Cyrus’ mouth. Dick tried to listen in but found himself unable to.

“Jay-” Dick tried once they had stepped apart again. Jason wouldn’t meet his eyes, kept staring at the floor as if it was the most interesting thing in the world.

“I- I wasn’t- I wasn’t good.”

“What do you- what does he mean?” Dick asked Cyrus who just held up his hand and motioned for Jason to continue.

“I haven’t- there’s rules and if I don’t- if I’m not being good, I don’t- I don’t get to…” he had gotten increasingly quieter the longer he talked. Dick flushed after realising what he was saying.

“How-” he cleared his throat “for how long. I mean, couldn’t you just- I don’t know- go home and…”

“Well, technically, he could,” Cyrus chimed in, sounding as if he was caught somewhere between devious and excited.

“So, how long then?”

“Few days usually,” Jason mumbled.

“It depends on how many rules he broke during the session.” Yeah, Dick was definitely not able to do that to Jason unless he really, really wanted him to.

“So, when’s the next time you get to?”

“I believe that’s in your hands now…” Cyrus grinned at Dick with all smugness in the world.

“My hands?” He closed his mouth after realising how unattractive he must have looked like.

“Yep. Congrats. He’s all yours.”

Dick had no idea how to cope with any of this but the hopeful glances Jason sent his way pulled at his heart strings. He gathered his jacket and got ready to leave.

Jason was already halfway out of the door when Cyrus pulled Dick back.

“I’m going to tell you something, and you have to promise me not to bring it up with him because it’s technically confidential.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t tell me then…”

“Maybe. But he’s too scared to tell you himself because he thinks it’s the one thing that will finally make you turn tail. Which is really stupid since you’re practically drooling over him whether he’s dressed or butt naked.”

“What is?”

“Hm?”

“The one thing that will make me turn tail.”

“This.”

Cyrus shoved a riding crop into Dick’s hands.

“What-”

“He’s never tried it.”

“But he wants to?”

“Oh yeah, desperately. He’s just deathly afraid to ask.” Dick took the crop with mixed feelings.

“You comin’, Dickie?” Jason seemed a little restless, so Dick hurried after him.

“Thank you,” he threw over his shoulder before exiting the room.

* * *

The door fell close behind Dick and he had not even turned on the light, when Jason started talking.

“It’s not-” His chest heaved in an effort to control his breathing.

“It’s not that I like getting hurt.”

“Then what is it? Why-”

“It’s- it’s the only way I can let people touch me- it’s the only way I can get…” he made a rude gesture that left Dick staring with that confused rise of his brows. Jason hated he could read him by such a small movement.

“Get off.”

“With someone else or at all?”

“At all…” He sounded so small, so fragile even to his own ears. He had to actively stop himself from running.

“But why the-” Now it was Dick’s turn to make a somewhat rude gesture.

Jason barked out a laugh that sounded wet and hollow.

“What’s so funny?” He asked as if he wasn’t aware that Jason wasn’t really laughing.

“Nothing. Nothing at all, Big Bird.”

“Tell me.”

“Fuck off.”

“No, seriously. I want to- I want to understand…”

“Why? It doesn’t fucking matter!” 

“It does to me.”

“So, what? You think just ‘cause you say pretty please I’mma pour my heart out?”

“Jason-”

“Don’t you get tired of constantly jasoning me? I’m not a kid. Quit acting like those parents with their: Oh, honey, I’m not mad at you, I’m just disappointed spiel because it won’t work.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“No? Because it sure sounded like it.”

“I just want to understand-”

“What’s there to understand? I like getting hit, what’s the big deal?”

“It’s not a big deal. But I have to make sure where your boundaries are. Don’t you get that?”

“If you don’t draw blood, I’m good.”

“If I don’t draw- are you serious?”

“Fuck off with your concerned face, Dick! You said, you wanted in!” This had been a mistake. A stupid mistake on his part and he should have never shown Dick this part of him, no matter how badly he wanted him.

“I do. I do want in. That’s not what I’m saying.”

“Then what are you saying, hu? Because to me, it sounds like one of those judgmental little speeches that B is so fucking fond of. And if you wanna do that, I’mma walk right back out of that door.”

“What are you talking about? I’m not judgmental.”

“Sure sounds like it.”

“No. I’m just trying to negotiate what you want here.”

“Negotiate what I- you’ve got to be kidding me…”

“Why?”

“Because it’s so fucking obvious and if you still don’t get it, then maybe you should consider a change of profession since that detective brain of yours is on holiday apparently.”

“Sorry for trying to do this the right way.”

“There is no right way, Dickhead! You saw what you needed to see and if you can’t cope with what I want then spit it out because I won’t be wasting my time with you judging me for what I want.”

“Now that would be fucking hypocritical of me, don’t you think?” Dick yelled at him. Jason startled back, completely caught off guard.

“What?”

“Because you have no idea how much it turns me on to see you like this.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Silence took hold of the room. Jason shuffled his feet, Dick stared at the ground. That was until Dick had the brilliant idea to open his mouth and say one of the most ridiculous sentences that Jason had ever heard.

“You always push me away. I don’t get why you do it, but you do. Always. It’s like you’re looking for things to throw at me so that I’ll leave. You just- you’re so afraid of falling, that you don’t consider what happens if you don’t…” Jason snorted.

“I’m not afraid of the fall…” And he wasn’t. He would have never chosen this business if he was afraid of falling.

“Then what is it? What scares you so much?” He didn’t answer immediately. Maybe he was afraid of disclosing too much. But then, the words came out, like a secret he had kept close to his chest for too long.

“The crash.”

“We’re not crashing.” Dick said with all the confidence in the world, as if the idea was ludicrous.

“We will.” He wasn’t being pessimistic. Just- he had seen Dick in action and not the fighting kind. Dick Grayson billionaire’s protégée, ladys man, playboy extraordinaire, with his bright smile and brilliant eyes.

Jason Todd would never compare.

“How do you know?”

“I just do.” He really did. It was clear as day to everyone but Dick apparently.

“Not good enough.”

What?

“What do you mean?”

“It’s not a good enough excuse for me not to try this.”

Jason rolled his eyes.

“Dick-”

“No. I want you and I want to try.” The persistent fucker kept interrupting him with nonsensical optimism.

“You can’t just decide that without me!”

“And I’m not. I’m deciding for myself.”

“Did nobody ever tell you that those things take two?” Seriously, what had Jason been thinking falling for the idiot when he couldn’t even take a “no” at face value.

“Sure.”

“And you don’t see how this could be an issue here?” This wouldn’t work simply because Dick wanted it to. Those things never did. At least not for him.

“No.”

“How can you be so obtuse?” He recognised the slow burn in his veins as anger bubbling up inside him and quickly directed his attention elsewhere. He couldn’t punch Dick in the face right now. He wasn’t that kind of a man anymore.

“I’m not. I’m just trying to convince you that there is no shame in trying. What’s the worst thing that could happen?” If Dick kept up the platitudes, however, he could guarantee nothing.

“We could kill each other.”

“Don’t be dramatic.” Now he was being dramatic. Sure. As if dramatic wasn’t Dick’s middle name. Oh wait, that would be menace.

“I’m not being dramatic. You’re being an idiot.”

“Hey now-”

“No. I’ve watched you fall in and out of love like you were just shrugging off a cold. And I can’t- it can’t be that way with us…”

He hated how unsteady his voice was, how he couldn’t make Dick understand why he was so damn afraid of trying. Because when Dick decided he was sick of him- and he would, no doubt about it- Jason would break. 

“It won’t-”

“You can’t promise that.”

“Yes. I can.”

“How?”

“Because it’s different with you…”

Jason turned, scoffed.

“Really? That’s what you’re going with? What’s next, you gonna wax poetry about how I’m the one?”

Instead, Dick looked right at him when he said: “I didn’t fall head over heels for you.”

Wow.

That one actually hurt more than Jason would have thought.

Because Jason had fallen for Dick with neck breaking speed from the moment he had lain eyes on him. At first, he could admit, it had been infatuation, wanting someone he couldn’t have. But it had quickly turned to something real when Dick had proven to be annoyingly persistent in his affections and stupidly expressive with his words. Jason had tried to stay away but it was hard when he ran into the idiot every other night on patrol.

And then they had started talking when they had been working on a case together. And at that point, Jason had waved his sanity goodbye and had accepted pathetic pining and a lifelong unrequited longing as his new MO.

Tim may have commented on it once or twice.

He snarled at Dick because he was ninety percent sure that every thought in his head had been plainly visible on his face. He was easy that way.

“Thanks. Real ego-boost there, Dickhead.”

He prepared himself to leave, convinced he had been right from the start and that this had been a monumentally bad idea.

“Hear me out.” Jason sighed but remained where he was because he had never been good at telling Dick no.

“I didn’t fall for you like I fell for them. With them, it was so easy, you know? Lots of chemistry and things in common, pretty smiles and badass moves. Like a firework or something.”

“What’s your point.” he felt the anger rising up in him now, stronger than before, almost like a tidal wave, a barrier protecting him from getting hurt.

“My point is, I watched you grow up, Jay. I watched how hard you trained, that stupid determination to beat everyone that comes your way, to never be weak. I saw you stand up after everyone else would have stayed down. You clawed your way back to us- to sanity- and fought tooth and nail for every bit of the life you have. You’re different. I didn’t see you round a corner and thought I’d fall over. Because you were always there. Even when you weren’t. I always had you in the back of my mind. And it’s not that I only noticed you when you became taller, or put on that ridiculous muscle. There was always something about you- a pull- that I could never really stay away from. Even when I knew I should-” he chuckled as if he had said something funny.

“So, no. I don’t think we’ll crash. Because I’m not throwing myself into this blindly. I- I see you- all of you. And I had enough time to make sure it was real- to decide with my eyes wide open that you are exactly what I want…”

Jason had nothing to say to that.

Nothing at all.

* * *

After that eventful night, Jason had left Dick’s safehouse with a pounding heart and a funny feeling in his stomach. He refused to call it a happy one. The conversation, as much as he loathed to admit it, had helped calm his nerves. Hearing Dick actually say out loud that he wanted Jason made him tingly all over. Still, he couldn’t act on that for the moment. Or, maybe he could but he didn’t really want to.

The scene had taken a lot out of him, especially while he had been pretending to be deaf to the world and yet hearing Dick talk about him with such tenderness, such protectiveness. It had cut into him deep, the way Dick had pleaded with Cy to stop hurting Jason.

Maybe Dick wouldn’t be able to actually deliver the hit himself, Jason mused.

It frightened him.

Because he knew that there was no other way he could tolerate being touched. It had to be with the intent to hurt, rough and restrained. He couldn’t deal with Dick’s gentle hands. Not when they were burning on his skin like torches on a cave wall. He should have been completely honest.

But it was so easy to just omit certain aspects. He didn’t particularly like getting hurt, that much was true. In battle, at least. When he was alone, however, and his thoughts overwhelmed him, pain helped him focus. But Dick couldn’t know that.

If Dick knew how fucked up he really was, he’d turn tail. So, he let him believe that he needed the pain to get off, that it was just a kink, just something that didn’t happen regularly.

Dick could never know what happened on those nights, when everything got just a bit too dark, when the air filled with blood and his eyes focussed on green hair and a metal crowbar.

Dick could never know that he was still seeing it.

* * *

Dick felt like the conversation had gone over well. At least better than he had expected. He still couldn’t shake the idea that Jason had been holding back. He had been entirely nonchalant about the scene Dick had witnessed.

And Dick would have believed him if not for the knowledge that Jason was not and never had been a performer. There was no way Jason had been comfortable being exposed like this in front of two people, one of whom he hadn’t even known liked him back. It must have been quite the feat for him to pretend he couldn’t hear what Dick was saying.

Dick flushed bright hot when he remembered what he had admitted to. Not that it hadn’t been the truth but it was still embarrassing how much Jason had turned him on. 

And while he was glad that they had resolved some of the tension, he still couldn’t help feeling as if they had barely scratched the surface. Maybe it was the way Jason had given in so easily. Maybe it was because he liked to think he knew Jason well enough to know when he was holding back.

Dick understood why he wouldn’t expose all of him just like that, but they needed to communicate if this was going to work. And God did Dick want it to work. He had craved Jason’s company from the moment he had realised he was alive. No, that was a lie. He had always liked having the guy around. Maybe not in the very beginning. But when he had realised just how much of a spitfire the boy was, he had been wrapped around his little finger.

And then Jason had come back, all brass knuckles and fiery insults and Dick had latched onto the opportunity to get to know him. He may have missed his chance to be a brother to Jason when he was a teenager, but life had given him a second chance and Dick would take it. However, once he had gotten around some of those walls surrounding Jason’s heart- and he didn’t delude himself that he had gotten around all of them- he saw what Jason was made of.

And that had tugged at his own feelings harder than he would have liked. Because Jason, when nobody looked, was nothing short of a hero. Maybe not in Bruce’s way. But to Dick, who had seen too much blood shed, he was. He didn’t condone killing, would never condone it.

But he saw reason beneath the madness and strategy in the chaos. Jason was not a rogue and should never have been. He was trying his best to control the city where the bats couldn’t. And then there was that unshaken sense of justice, that burning need to help, that morality, the courage. Dick didn’t know how he hadn’t fallen for Jason earlier. Because he was gorgeous and a skilled fighter and just dangerous enough to push all of Dick’s buttons.

He should have fallen for him like he had for everyone else.

But Jason had never been just gorgeous or just dangerous.

There was always a twist, always another layer to discover.

And Dick wanted to discover all of them.

* * *

When had this gotten so much out of hand? One minute, Jason had been drinking a beer, the next Dick had texted him to suit up. Apparently, the bats had a lead on the new guy and were going after him. Now, Jason might have refused the call if it had been any other bad guy.

But he was still a little sore after having been shot and ambushed and wanted to get a good hit in before the bat threw the guy into Arkham.

To further his resolve, the bat himself had called.

And as much as he wanted to, he could not ignore something like that.

“Jason.”

“B.”

“Tim has a lead.”

“So I’ve heard.”

“Are you-” hesitation on the other end, “did Dick…”

“Sure did.”

“And are you coming?”

“I don’t know, B. Doesn’t really seem like my kinda job.”

“Jason.”

“What? Last time I checked, you’re not my boss. Technically, I’m not obliged to do anything but stay home and drink a beer.”

“Jason.”

“Don’t you get tired of saying the same word every two minutes?”

“Get suited up.”

“Why would I?”

“Because he is dangerous.”

“So is the Joker. And you don’t tell me to take him down, do you?”

“I’m not having this conversation.”

“Yeah, you never do.”

“I thought you cared about Gotham’s population. Maybe I was wrong.” Jason cracked his knuckles.

“You don’t wanna go there with me, B. Believe me.”

“Then stop being difficult.”

“I’m being difficult? Have you met yourself? You’re the one that got mad last time I got involved with your precious little birds. So, forgive me for being a tad hesitant to throw myself headfirst into this.”

Silence on the other end. Because couldn’t for the life of him admit that he had been wrong.

“And thanks for giving me the all-clear. Not like I wouldn’t want to know whether or not the replacement has finally kicked the bucket.”

“Jason.”

“What? If I wanted him dead so badly, believe me, he would be.”

“What are you saying?”

“Are you dumb? No. Don’t answer that.”

“What is your point?”

“My point is, B, that you could have at least let me know he was up and moving.”

“I didn’t-”

“Yeah, you didn’t think I’d care. I got that loud and clear.”

“I will tell you, next time.”

“I fucking hope so.”

“Did you suit up.”

“Fucking chill your horses, B. I’m already on the way. Jesus Christ. You’re such a-”

_Click._

Great. Now he was being hung up on. Why did he even bother?

* * *

Jason met the bats on a rooftop two streets down from the penthouse they were going to break in. Penthouse. Really? Were all of those newly turned villains boogie nowadays? What happened to townhouses and class?

Jason pat the replacement on the shoulder in what he hoped conveyed something along the lines of “you’re more fun when you’re alive”.

Bruce gave the handsignal and they entered the penthouse. It went well. For a minute or two. It was too quiet for Jason’s liking and the security measures to keep them out had been an absolute joke.

A restaurant was harder to get into. Jason didn’t like this one bit. He felt severely uninformed. The bats could say what they wanted. They were going in blind. The guy was probably not even there. He couldn’t be an idiot if he had avoided getting caught for two weeks.

Especially, when the bats were on his case.

Then a trap door opened underneath Damian’s feet and the demon spawn fell thirteen feet down. He landed with a sickening crack in what Jason realised was the actual lair.

_Fuck._

They jumped in after the kid and all hell broke loose. The second Jason stood he was assaulted with a rain of gunfire. Dick had ducked behind a counter somewhere to his left and Tim was dragging Damian behind a flipped table. Bruce had his back to Jason and was firing rubber bullets at whatever he could reach. Jason cursed when a shot grazed his helmet. The sound deafened him and it threw him off balance.

“Jason!”

Dick was by his side in an instant. Jason wanted to berate the idiot for giving up cover but didn’t have time to. They knocked out two thugs. But five of them were still standing. Dick twirled and let his foot connect with one of the guy’s arms hard enough for him to drop the gun.

Jason focussed on the idiot in front of him firing his gun without hitting anything but the walls. How someone could be a thug and have such bad aim was beyond Jason but then again, he didn’t need thugs to do his job. He sensed an opening and made his move, kicking the guy hard in the stomach so that he toppled over.

Jason’s knee hit his nose and his head flew back, splattering blood everywhere. Meanwhile, Bruce had taken out one of the other thugs.

Out of his peripheral, Jason noticed a green and red shimmer. He turned, almost like in slow motion. Damian had his sword out and was slicing into everything he could reach. Jason didn’t know why he reacted the way he did. But something in his gut told him to act. He fell into motion, half slipping, half running. Damian turned around, looked up.

Jason didn’t hear the shot.

But he felt the bullet.

His knees gave out instantly. The room started spinning. Everything felt numb. He was distinctly aware that something blue was by his side and it took him a while to realise it was Dick and that he was talking to Jason.

He hoped the other thugs were dealt with. This had obviously been a trap and they had been stupid to fall for it. He tried to articulate his thoughts but didn’t know if he had. Black stripes were coming in and out of his vision.

When he could see clearly for a few seconds, he noticed that Dick looked really anxious, stressed, desperate even. There was sweat on his face and his eyes were frantically moving from one spot to another. Jason felt something inside of him move and wanted to vomit.

This was not a good feeling.

That bullet must have hit deep.

_Damn it._

His toes were cold. Actually, all of him was cold. His teeth were clacking. He didn’t feel any pain. That was not good. He should feel pain. Not feeling pain was bad. Everything was so muted. Then Bruce leaned over him and Jason would know that facial expression everywhere. Someone was about to die and chances were, it was him.

Dick scooted away and that was when time caught up to him.

Everything happened twice as fast as before and Jason blindly reached out. Suddenly, he went from feeling nothing to feeling everything, the pain almost knocked him out.

“Don’t-” he grabbed Dick’s jacket, lost his grip. Dick made as if to stand up.

“Don’t leave-” even breathing hurt. He recognised the signs and it terrified him.

No. No. No.

He fought with all he had to keep his eyes open but he knew he was losing the battle when Dick went from kneeling beside him to suddenly standing without Jason having seen it.

“I can’t- I can’t- Dickie-” he was rapidly losing consciousness, Dick’s worried face came in and out of focus. The black spots dancing across his vision multiplied.

He knew what was happening. He remembered feeling like this before. He couldn’t go there. Not now. This was different. He couldn’t see anything anymore.

“Don’t leave me alone.”

He needed someone, anyone. He couldn’t do this alone. He didn’t want to. He wanted to go home.  
  


_Please._   
  


_Not again._


	2. Red

_Don’t settle for grey if you dream in electric blue and torch red._

The heart monitor beeped softly. It should have been a comforting noise but Dick couldn’t hear it anymore. He refused to leave Jason’s side but he would do anything to have some quiet. It should have calmed him, he thought, the constant beeping but it only agitated him more.

“Grayson, you should rest,” Damian had come up behind him in his pyjamas, obviously displeased. Dick shook his head.

“You are in no condition to stay awake.” He didn’t care.

“Just because Drake is immune to sleep deprivation does not mean you should follow his poor example.” As long as Jason was not up and running Dick would not leave his side.

“I will get father if you do not go to bed now.” Dick shrugged.

“Fine.” With that, Damian departed.

Finally, some quiet. Until that beeping registered again. He could only blend it out for a short amount of time.

A knock on the door announced company. Dick knew by the heaviness of the steps that, this time, it was neither Damian nor Tim. They halted a good three feet away from where Jason was lying pale against the sheets. His body was torn apart, not only by the wound his surgery had left behind but by all the injuries that had come before that.

“You should go to bed.”

“No.” He refused and nobody could make him. He would not leave. Not after Jason had begged him to stay so that he wouldn’t be alone. Dick would not leave him. Never again.

“He doesn’t know you’re here. You might as well get some rest.”

“I don’t care.”

“Why are you so stubborn about this.”

“Look at him.” he gestured at Jason’s unmoving form, the mask covering his mouth to keep him breathing because it was critical for him to do it himself consistently. He had only been out of surgery for five hours.

“Come here and look at him.”

“Dick-”

“No. If you think I can just walk away then you haven’t really looked.”

Dick had had it. He couldn’t- Jason was hurt and Bruce was not even concerned. And he had finally had enough, when Bruce refused to step closer.

“LOOK AT HIM!”

“Dick-”

“Fucking look at him, B!” His hands trembled. He needed to calm himself. It was okay. It would be fine. Jason was _fine_.

Bruce had finally stepped forward, cautiously. Dick sank back down in his seat, fingers gripping Jason’s bed tightly. He wanted to reach out and touch him, make sure he was real. Because it felt like, if he didn’t, Dick would close his eyes and when he would open them, Jason would be gone.

“He’s- B- he’s…” He was shaking, gripping the sheets so tightly his knuckles were white.

Why wouldn’t Jason just open his eyes?  
  


_Please. Fuck. Open your eyes. Look at me. Just open your eyes and look at me, Jay. Please. I miss you. I’m sorry._

“Dick.” He felt a hand on his shoulder squeeze but couldn’t look up. His vision was blurry, tears burned on his cheeks. He was still shaking.

“He’ll pull through,” But Dick heard the lie in Bruce’s voice, ringing through him clear as day. 

“It’s going to be okay,” the tremor was faint but it was there and it took all Dick head not to scream himself hoarse. They couldn’t lose Jason. Not again.

“He’s not- he’s- B-” Bruce moved as if to hug him but couldn’t bring himself to. It broke Dick’s last barrier that kept him from losing it.

“THIS! This is the reason why he is always so fucking distant! Because you couldn’t bring yourself to reach out when he was doing bad! FUCK!”

“That is not fair.” But Bruce’ manner lacked heat.

“I don’t give a fuck about what’s fair! Do you see the scars in his chest? Do you see them? No! Because you don’t have the guts to look at him! Because you’re afraid of what you’ll see when you do! He went in there for _us_! He got shot for _us_ and you can’t even look at him!”

“I didn’t know…”

“What? What didn’t you know? That that goddamn creep beat him up until he couldn’t walk? That his chest has been ripped open like a Christmas turkey?”

“I didn’t think-”

“You didn’t care! There is a difference! And guess what? He still won’t let me hug him! Because he can’t for the life of him figure out why anyone would touch him without the intention to hurt! Because he’s so used to getting hurt that he doesn’t know anything else! And you stood by and let it happen! You let him do this to himself!”

“What was I supposed to do? He-”

“You were supposed to save him! Like you saved me. Like you saved Tim and Dami and anyone else! Anyone that isn’t him!” A shockwave of emotions clogged up his throat. He couldn’t’ breathe right.

“I tried.” And Bruce sounded so small. Dick couldn’t take this. 

“You were supposed to save him…” he held onto himself, rocked softly back and forth.

He needed Jason to be okay. He needed Jason to open his eyes, look at him, make a stupid joke.

He needed Jason back.

“I know. I know.”

“What if he doesn’t wake up…” it wasn’t a question and Bruce didn’t answer.

They both simply looked at the angry scars in Jason’s skin, at the hole in his chest where the bullet had missed his heart by a hair.

Bruce leaned forward then, suddenly, abruptly. His mouth hovered besides Jason’s ear, his hand pushed the strand of white out of his face.

“Jaybird? We need you to wake up. Okay? You’re going to wake up and be fine. And then we can- we can start over, alright?”

Dick caught his whispered words, and wished to unhear them instantly. This was too much. He didn’t know what to do with that.

Jason didn’t move.

And Bruce retreated back to the shadows that swallowed him like he had never been there. 

Only Dick remained where he was.

He wouldn’t leave Jason alone.

Never again.

_Shots. Sweat. More shots. Damian is fighting to his right. Tim is somewhere to his left with Bruce. And there’s Jay. Fighting thugs off left and right like it’s nothing. He moves so quickly for someone his size. There is a certain beauty in the brutality of his kicks. Those thigs stretch his pants with every step. His arms bulge when he grips his gun and shoots a thug in the leg. A bullet flew right past Jason’s helmet. He lost his balance, almost fell over. “Jason!” Dick steadied him. He let his leg shoot out and kick one of the thugs, felt a sense of satisfaction when he went down hard. Damian ran past him. He turned. A shot rang loud and clear through the room. It hurt in his ears. He looked at Jason. Saw the look of bone-deep fear. No._

“NO!”

Dick startled, sat up. His pulse raced in his chest. He wiped his forehead, blood pumping loudly in his ears. He buried his head in his hands, fingers shaking where he ran them through his hair.

He must have dosed off.

Just a dream.

A stupid dream, he reminded himself forcefully.

He looked up from his hands.

Teal blue eyes stared back at him. And Dick saw one look in them. Only one.

_Panic._

Jason sat up so fast, eyes frantically skipping around the run. The stitches in his chest pulled taught. Dick leaped forward, held himself back from touching Jason. 

“Jay? Jay! It’s okay! Calm down! You’re safe! You’re safe! Calm down! Please! _Shit_!”

Jason fell back. His eyelids fluttered shut.

Dick stood, was still hunched over the bed, hands outstretched as if to hold Jason up. He let himself fall sink back down, curling in on himself. He wanted to reach out and hold onto Jason’s hand, make sure he was really there but he couldn’t.

Jason didn’t like that.

Dick didn’t know when he had woken up, if he had watched Dick have the nightmare and hadn’t done anything.

Maybe he hadn’t been able to.

Maybe Jason hadn’t even known he was awake.

Dick couldn’t sleep for a long time after that, afraid of what he would see once he closed his eyes for too long.

* * *

_Fuck._

His head hurt like a screwdriver had screwed right through it.

On second thought, everything ached and tweaked in ways it really shouldn’t. He had no idea where he was, what had happened or why the fuck he didn’t have any recollection on how he had gotten here.

Wherever here was.

With great difficulty, he forced his eyes open and was nearly blinded by the fluorescent light glaring at him from the ceiling.

“What-” he coughed, his chest heaving against the dryness in his throat.

“Master Jason?” he whipped around, craned his neck to see where the voice had come from. A few things registered then. He was in the cave. He had no shirt on. There were needles in his arms and a large bandage covering his chest.

“Al- Alfie?” Alfred shoved a glass of water at him. Jason gulped it down way too fast. The coughing fit that resulted from it had Alfred tutting.

“What- what happened?” he asked, frantically scanning the room for a bat in sight. He only relaxed slightly when he didn’t spot any.

“You have been shot, Master Jason.”

Aw. Damn. He remembered.

Alfred stepped forward and immediately started checking his injuries. Jason felt uncomfortable at being scrutinised like that. Even by Alfred.

“Don’t make such a fuss, Alfie. I’m fine.”

He really, really wasn’t. But he would rather not think about the pain spreading from the obvious bullet wound or the fact that he was in the batcave.

“Maybe we should have looked for a wound in your head then, Master Jason. If you continue to insist that you are fine that is…”

There was an uptick in the butler’s mouth.

And just like that, Jason felt a little warmer. He kept still while Alfred poked at his back.

When Alfred reached his chest, likely to inspect the bullet wound, Jason flinched. He hated looking at himself like that, without a shirt, in lighting where everything was on display.

The scar splitting his torso almost in half was especially something he didn’t like thinking about.

“We done here?” he didn’t mean for it to come out so harsh. Alfred didn’t comment but his mouth had turned down and Jason’s stomach sank. He just- he really didn’t want to answer any questions tonight.

Not after getting shot.

“I strongly advise you stay for at least another day, Master Jason.”

Jason looked down, scratched his head.

Maybe?

Maybe he could stay for just one night?

If Alfred invited him to stay then maybe B wouldn’t get mad.

* * *

He tossed and turned in his sleep, unable to stay in dreamland for too long. Alfred had left him after checking he was alright. His memory had overwhelmed him twice already, especially the part where he begged for Dick to stay. He had known getting involved with Dick had been stupid. He couldn’t show weakness, not like this, never in front of the bats.

This should never have happened.

He sat up in the bed, forehead drenched in sweat. Another nightmare, evidently. God, the cave was making things worse. He shouldn’t be here. Of course, his unconscious would remind him of how misplaced he was, how much he didn’t fit in here.

They were keeping him here as a guest, out of guilt because he had taken the bullet for the demon.

What had he been thinking?

He wasn’t a hero and there was no use in trying to convince the bats he was.

He was the Red Hood, for fuck’s sake.

 _Act like it_ , a vicious voice in his head said.

Jason didn’t want to. Not really. He loved the get-up, he loved working on his own. It was justice, for Gotham, for himself. But sometimes, just sometimes, he wished, he could take it off, put on something else, something less severe, less threatening.

The red reminded him of blood-shed, of how much he let loose when the rage hit him in the core with the force of a freight train.

Dick wore blue.

Jason liked blue. It was calm and collected, controlled. Cold. There were days he wished, he could be blue. Maybe for just a minute, a day, just drown out those stupid thoughts of the pit or the laugh that still rang in his ears.

Maybe then, B wouldn’t loathe his existence.

If only he could let that calm wash over him then B wouldn’t look at him like his presence reminded him of his worst mistake.

A mistake.

That’s all he was.

From the moment they had met up to now, Jason had known.

Failure.

Mistake.

Nothing.

Dead.

Dead. He should have stayed dead. Everything would have been easy if only he would have stayed dead.

He heaved a breath, realising that he was suffocating and threw off the blanket. He needed to get the fuck out of here. This was sacred ground and he didn’t belong, wasn’t allowed-

He winced when his feet hit the ground and quickly put his clothes on. They hadn’t positioned someone at the door. Stupid mistake.

He quickly made his way through the cave when a reflection caught his eye. In the left corner, hidden behind a secret door he had never seen before and that someone obviously had forgotten to close, he found a small room. He took one step inside and froze.

Behind glass red and green strings of a costume were displayed.

He recognised that costume, recognised it immediately.

Because it was his.

That was his costume.

_His colours._

It was his and it shouldn’t be here.

It was the costume he had worn that day, ripped apart and sewn together like one would a rug. He could see the stiches trailing diagonally over the chest, how the miniature cape was completely shredded. Someone had tried to clean it, but had been unable to erase the traces of blood. Only a spot of green was visible under the black stain that Jason knew was dried blood.

The red of the chest had dark spots as well but it covered the damage better.

Jason found himself stepping closer, reaching out like in a trance. His fingers touched the glass, left marks on it like someone wanted to claw through it.

Something warm dripped down Jason’s nose and he needed a moment to realise, he was crying.

His nails clawed at his own skin, leaving angry red marks on his forearms until blood started to form.

A high noise deafened him so he was unaware of the footsteps approaching.

“Hey, B, did you find any-” Jason’s spine straightened as if conditioned to react like this. He would have recognised that voice everywhere.

Just then, Dick rounded a corner, a glass water in hand that shattered once he realised where Jason was, what he was staring at.

“Jay-” Dick’s voice trembled around his name.

Something in Jason’s head snapped.

He didn’t- couldn’t care. Not right now. Not with the way Dick was standing in the door, eyes wide as if he had seen a ghost. Dick stepped closer then, blocking Jason’s path before Jason shouldered passed him.

He needed air, fresh air, without the stench of guilt that followed him from the cave.

He realised while walking that his chest had started bleeding. He wiped the blood away. Dick was hot on his heels, yelling at him to stop. Jason broke into a jog, hissed when his insides moved funny.

“Stop! Jay, stop!”

He didn’t turn, didn’t answer. He needed to get out. He shouldn’t have been here. The cave was no place for him anymore. That- that stupid shrine proved it.

“Please! Let me explain! JASON!”

He revved his engine, foot hard on the gas. His heart beat up to his ears, trying to drown out Dick’s voice. God, his voice. He didn’t want to hear his voice anymore. Not like this.

He needed this to stop.

_Stop._

* * *

The door fell close behind Jason with a harsh sound. Dick ripped it open, stormed out, breath caught in his lungs. But Jason was already on his bike and cutting corners. There was blood on the floor at Dick’s feet. He refrained from bending down and touching it.

He needed to get Bruce.

This should have never happened. He had told Bruce time and time again to store that stupid costume somewhere else. Somewhere that didn’t look like a shrine.

Jason should have never seen it.

What that must have done to him-

He didn’t deserve it. None of it.

Dick turned around, walked back down the stairs, a shiver in his hand where he worried his hair.

“Did you see?” he asked Bruce once he realised he was standing in the opening of the secret room.

“No.” he hesitated, fumbling with his sleeves “but I heard.”

“And you didn’t think to come out and stop him?”

“He doesn’t want me to.”

“What?”

“He doesn’t-” Dick held up his hand, exasperated. He couldn’t believe Bruce sometimes. That level of stupidity and repressed emotions was magnificent.

“Yeah. No. I heard you.”

Dick was prepared to launch into a full-blown rant when Bruce stopped him.

“I understand what you are saying. But you have to listen to me.” Dick motioned for him to continue.

“He would have- I don’t know what he would have done. But seeing that- that costume and then running into me could have set him off.”

“Set him off.” Dick bit the inside of his cheek “Set him off? Do you listen to yourself? He was already set off!”

“I know. I know that. Which is why I didn’t talk to him.”

Dick had officially lost him.

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t you think that the combination of seeing me and the costume would have triggered either a rage or a panic attack?”

“Don’t you think that having him here while he’s having either one or the other would be better than him dealing with this alone?”

“I- I didn’t think about that.”

Dick startled at the admission. He wasn’t used to Bruce admitting he had fucked up.

“Can you track him?”

“Dick-” But Dick wouldn’t hear it. Not anymore. Because Jason had evidently been triggered and was heading straight into a panic attack and Dick was not about to let it go.

“Can you track him.” This time, it wasn’t much of a question anymore.

“He can’t. But I can,” someone piped up behind him and Dick refused to admit to jumping out of his skin to his dying day.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Give me five minutes,” Tim waddled to the computer, mug in hand and looking like straight out of a vampire movie.

“And, just for the record, the next time you decide to have an argument at three in the morning, do it in your own room. God knows he’d have rather slept there than in an empty cave.”

“What?” two voices spat out once Tim had let himself fall into a chair.

“Oh sorry, was that supposed to be a secret? Are we not supposed to talk about the moon eyes and the unresolved sexual tension? My apologies.”

“How-”

“Sexual tension?” They had spoken over each other again. Dick’s face felt hot.

“ _Unresolved_ sexual tension. You really need to learn to listen, B,” he turned to Dick.

“You two are hardly subtle about it.”

“I-”

“And if you want me to track him, then I’d strongly recommend keeping your mouth shut because I can’t guarantee my finger won’t slip and send the guy an accidental warning to get the hell out of wherever he’s hiding because you’ll come snooping any second now.”

Dick zipped his mouth shut in an instant, even though he knew Tim would never go through with his threat.

The kid was way too well-versed in psychology to not understand the impact of what had happened would have on Jason.

Dick prayed to God that he would get to Jason fast enough to stop him from doing something stupid.

The thing was just that he couldn’t shake the feeling that stupid thing would not be world destruction like Bruce suspected.

If he was right, and he really hoped he wasn’t, then Jason only out to destroy one thing tonight.

And that was himself.

* * *

Dick’s stomach sank when the door fell close behind him and he got a good look on his surroundings. The light had not been switched on and yet Dick could clearly see, this safehouse wasn’t lived in.

Furniture littered the ground, tarnished with missing pieces here and there. A sound came from a room to his left, like water running but very dimmed down. 

Dick was afraid of what he would find in there. 

He pressed down the handle, opened the door, startled when it screeched loudly like an angry cat. At first, he thought, the room was empty, his brain refused to see what his eyes were already telling him.

As if in a trance, Dick stepped forward until the bathtub was only two feet away. 

The first thing that finally caught up with him was the mop of black hair just below the surface of the nearly overflowing water. He could barely see the white streak anymore because the water had changed its colour to a dull grey.

On second though, Dick realised the water itself was unusually dim, almost rosy.

_Why didn’t he hear me coming in?_

_Why isn’t he moving?_

_Why are there no air bubbles?_

At once, all the clues his brain had picked up on but hadn’t put together fell into place. As if electrocuted he reached down and pulled Jason up. On instinct, he started pressing down on Jason’s chest repeatedly. When that didn’t work, he tilted Jason’s head back and breathed into his mouth with all the strength he could muster.

“Come on! Come on! Come on!” he was crying, didn’t know how long he was kneeling on the cold tile floor without any sign of life from the boy underneath him.

Renewed vigour fuelled him when he let his hands come down on Jason’s chest.

“Come on!” his voice broke, his fingers trembled.

Suddenly, with the force of a tidal wave, Jason coughed out the water he had swallowed. Dick helped him up, tried to steady him. He noticed the red welts on his forearms, the open wound on his chest.

Jason heaved one breath after the next, face pale, eyes watering. 

The second he could speak, he shoved at Dick until the latter stumbled back.

“Don’t _touch_ me! Don’t-” Jason was wrecked by another coughing fit, vomiting water.

“What did you do?” Dick whispered, reluctant to sit back and not reach out.

“Fuck-” he gulped, “Fuck you!”

“Jay-”

“Get out.” Jason attempted to stand up but was so wobbly on his feet that he had to grip the sink to steady himself.

“No.” He didn’t care that Jason’s eyes burned a little greener than Dick was used to, or that he started scratching his arms again. He would not leave.

“What?” Jason’s face had incredulity written all over it.

“I said no. I’m not leaving.” Jason looked as if he wanted to throw Dick out of the window.

Dick barely had time to react when Jason moved to the door.

“What are you doing?”

“If you’re”, he tried to clear his throat, “If you’re not leaving, I will.”

“No.” Dick quickly rounded in on him, blocking the door to stop him from walking through it.

“No? What do you- chrm- what do you mean no? You- chrm- you think you can stop me?”

“Yes.”

“I’d like to see- chrm- to see you try, Dickhead.”

Dick pulled the gun from where it was strapped to his back and pointed it at Jason.

“That supposed to scare me?”

“No. It’s supposed to keep you here because I’m not going to let you leave when you’re like this!”

“Like what?”

“Half-dead!”

Jason scoffed, shrugged and flinched when the motion pulled at the wound in his chest.

“You can’t do that, Jay.”

“Watch me.” Another coughing fit followed.

“No. I won’t watch you.”

“Then why are you here, hu? Just get the- chrm- fuck out and leave me alone!”

“I’m here because I knew you would do something stupid.”

Jason laughed, cold and empty and completely void of any humour.

“Stupid, eh?”

“Yes. Stupid.” Dick kept his gun hand steady even when Jason’s eyes strayed to it as if he contemplated the best way to disarm him.

“You don’t know the first thing about it…” his tone lacked heat all of a sudden, he sounded almost defeated.

“Then let me in. Let me help.”

“I don’t need your help. And I don’t need your pity.”

“It’s not pity!”

“No. You’re right. It’s guilt. You feel so- chrm- so guilty that you have to mother-hen me every fuck- chrm- fucking change you get, like I’m not an adult.”

“I don’t-”

“Save it! You and those bats can fuck off! I’m sick of this!” Dick caught onto the hidden sentiment behind the sentence fairly quickly.

“This isn’t about them!”

“YES! Yes, it is!” And there it was. In plain sight. What Jason was really bothered about.

“HOW? How is it about them?”

“You brought me there! You brought me into that god forsaken cave and told me to stay there!”

“You were injured!”

“So what? I would have been better off on my own! If you didn’t-”

“If I didn’t what? Didn’t talk to you? Didn’t look for you? Didn’t want to be with you?”

“No! Yes! That doesn’t matter!”

“How does that not matter?” It hurt. He knew Jason was trying to push him away and it still hurt.

“Because you just feel guilty! That’s all this is! That’s why you brought me there! Why you pretended to care! Why B said those things to me!”

“What things?” A horrible feeling stirred in Dick’s stomach. Maybe he had missed something, maybe Jason had heard-

“You know! You know what things, you were there! When you wouldn’t go to sleep! I heard him! And it’s bullshit! New start, my ass!”

“He was worried!”

“He hid it well!” The sarcastic snort was accompanied by an expression of utter disgust.

“You weren’t there- you didn’t see him when you got shot! This isn’t a ruse! He didn’t pretend-”

“Guess why, Dickhead! I had a fucking bullet stuck in my chest! I wasn’t exactly in any condition to see anything!”

“That’s not what I’m saying!” Why did Jason constantly assume the worst about them? Dick had thought they were on a good path, that he and B were working on it, each in their own way. But then again, he had never really dared looking down the rabbit hole that was Jason’s psyche.

“Then what are you saying? Because all I’m hearing is righteous bullshit!”

“I’m saying that he lost you once already. Do you think it’s easy for him to watch you get shot?” It hadn’t been easy for Dick to watch Jason fall like this.

He couldn’t imagine what it must have done to Bruce.

Or what it must have done to Jason.

“Well, maybe if some loser gets lucky and I kick the bucket then he can finally string up that red hood get-up right next to the other one in the cave.”

“Don’t say that!” Dick bellowed, one finger pointed at Jason, who noticed it was trembling.

He continued a little softer as if he knew that one wrong word would snap the last bit of control Jason had left in him.

“Don’t you dare say that…”

“Why not, hu?” He put on that smirk, the one he undoubtedly knew had Dick silently burning with rage.

“Because it’s not true! You know it isn’t!”

“So, he doesn’t have my old costume strung up in that damn cave like a fucking exhibition shrine?”

“That’s not what it is.”

“Then what is it, hu? Why didn’t he just throw it away?”

“Why would he do that?” Dick had gotten very quiet. It seemed to fuel Jason’s anger even more because he instantly lashed out.

“He threw _me_ away!”

The gun clattered to the floor.

“Guess the costume was worth more…”

Silence grew between them. Dick couldn’t move, couldn’t speak up even though, he desperately wanted to. Deep down, he knew, Jason had a point, not a solid one and not a good one, but a point nonetheless.

Even though it hadn’t been deliberate, Bruce had turned away from him when he had needed his support the most. And Dick himself had never forgiven him for that.

So, how could Jason?

 _He can’t_ , a voice in Dick’s head said.

 _He never will_.

And he shouldn’t have to.

“I’m sorry,” Dick whispered, horrified when the words got stuck.

“I-” Jason stared at the floor. His hands twitched towards his arms twice as if he wanted to scratch at them again.

“You were never meant to see it. I told him to put it away, but he couldn’t. It’s like he has to remind himself what he let happen.”

“Stop-” Jason held up his hand, stepped back.

“Hear me out,” only when the hand dropped, did Dick continue.

“When you got-” he had to steady his breath “when you got shot, it did something to him- to all of us. It was like re-living that moment. So, after we got you to the cave, he- he disappeared for a while and no one could figure out where he’d gone to. And then Alfie-” he chuckled softly, “Alfie found him, found that- the shrine and we told him what would happen if you- if you found it. You weren’t supposed to see- Jay- I- I didn’t know- when I saw you in there, I couldn’t-”

Dick reached out then, almost involuntarily. His hands found Jason’s arms and he gripped them tightly, afraid to let go.

“I ca-” Jason’s voice broke right in the middle of the word. He cleared his throat. It sounded loud in the empty room.

“Dickie- I can’t…” He was shaking, they both were. And Dick knew, deep in his core, that Jason didn’t mean him being touched. If he let go now, Jason would be gone.

And Dick couldn’t- he just couldn’t let that happen.

He needed Jason to stay.

“Sometimes it gets-” his jaw worked, “it gets too much and- and I have to drown it out. All the noise and the smell and the blood. I have to- it- the water- it clears my head- I can’t hear-”

He trailed off, feet shuffling as if he didn’t know where to turn. Dick understood. He suddenly understood just what he had walked into. This hadn’t been an attempt to hurt himself, not really.

Jason just needed to get away, to be somewhere else. His grip on Jason’s arms tightened.

“Let go- please- let go!” Dick couldn’t. He couldn’t let go or he would float away.

They stayed like that, frozen with only a few inches separating them and the weight of their past pressing down for half an eternity.

“I can’t let go, Little Wing…” Dick whispered against the wetness in his throat, “because you’ll run away. Like you always do and I can’t- I can’t let you.”

“Why not?”

“Because I need- I need you here. With me.” It was an admission, a confession he hadn’t been ready to make yet. But if it meant keeping Jason here, keeping him safe and cared for, Dick would take it.

“It’s selfish. I know it is. I just- I can’t help it.”

Jason’s hands closed around Dick’s elbows, almost as if to anchor himself.

“You can’t disappear on me. Not again.”

“Dick-”

“No.” he said, “I won’t let you.”

“I’ll try. I can’t- I can’t promise- but I’ll try…”

“Okay,” Dick, for the first time since entering, breathed out, “okay…”

* * *

Jason tossed and turned on the couch that wasn’t his. It was too soft for his liking, seeing as he was used to wherever it was remotely safe. Those places rarely contained a mattress. Dick’s couch however, was well worn and snuggly and Jason had not the faintest idea how to sleep on it.

He had tried turning twice before realising it was equally soft on each side.

“You can have the bed,” Dick had said once they had decided to call it a night. Jason had declined. There was no way he would sleep in a bed with Dick.

No thank you.

Not that he was shy or something but Dick had seen way too much of him today and he could do without another deep dive into the fuck-up that was Jason Todd tonight. 

“I wouldn’t mind,” Dick had thrown over his shoulder and Jason could have sworn he had seen a wink accompanying the statement.

Besides that, Jason would mind quite a bit. Especially, seeing as Dick was an octopus in human form and Jason had no intention going anywhere near that.

He rolled onto his back, stared at the ceiling and tried his best not to think back to what had happened today. Dick had put a bandage on the wound in his chest, chipper as always even though Jason had seen each and every concerned glance that had been thrown his way.

He couldn’t really blame the guy.

The situation had looked bad from Dick’s perspective.

Yeah, not going there either.

He found it easier to count the shadows crossing Dick’s walls than recounting the events of the last day. He didn’t want to go back to that place in his head. Not with the way it had set Dick off.

Jason had always hated seeing Dick panic. It unsettled him in a way that he couldn’t describe. Nightwing was always the epitome of calm and watching him go to pieces pulled at Jason’s own anxiety.

Absentmindedly, Jason traced the scratch marks on his arms that Dick thankfully had refused to talk about.

Jason knew Dick had seen them.

But he had chosen not to speak up anyway. Maybe he had sensed that Jason wasn’t ready for another conversation just yet.

“Can’t sleep?” Jason shot up so fast, his body needed a moment to steady itself. He hadn’t heard Dick come into the living room.

“No.”

“Me neither,” he kept staring at his feet, a shy smile on his lips. Jason refused to think it adorable, even in his own head.

“Hrmph,” was Jason’s answer to that statement. He was still trying to figure out why Dick looked the way he did, when Dick spoke up again.

“Are you sure you don’t wanna- I don’t know- it’s just-”

It clicked like a whole chandelier that went alight. Dick wasn’t feeling guilty for Jason sleeping on the couch. He felt embarrassed because he wanted Jason to sleep in his bed and didn’t know if it was okay to ask.

Jason was up before he could talk himself out of it.

Dick’s pleased smile was worth it, Jason assured himself. He would survive being smothered by Dick’s limbs.

They reached the bed and the room felt a little hotter. Jason didn’t know where to look when Dick shrugged out of his shirt. The planes of skin suddenly on display looked enticing in the moonlight.

“You okay there?” Aaaand the dick had caught him staring.

Great.

“Yeah,” he needed to get a grip on his everything. To equal the playing field and because he couldn’t back down now, he pulled his own shirt over his head. Dick looked him up and down with something Jason hoped was appreciation then let himself flop down on the bed. Jason cautiously slid onto the left side.

“Jay?”

“Hm?”

“Look at me?” Jason did but not without a funny feeling somewhere around his chest area.

Dick’s lashes fluttered in that pretty way and he leaned in. Jason sucked in a breath, licked his lips. Anticipation built in his core like a pleasant warmth that started at his toes. He had barely enough time to appreciate the pink of Dick’s mouth when he felt it against his own.

Dick moved slowly, let his hand rest against Jason’s waist under the blanket and pulled him in, not insistently but with just the right amount of intent. The spot where his hand sat, felt warm, tingly. Jason let his tongue dart out, lick the seam of Dick’s lips until they opened up. Dick made a soft noise in the back of his throat, his hand spasmed against Jason’s waist.

The added pressure felt good, felt right until Dick’s grip softened.

Suddenly, reality closed in on them. Jason startled away, confused by his own reaction. He had enjoyed it. He really, really had. But something was not right.

He couldn’t- this wasn’t what he was used to, wasn’t something he could handle. 

“I can’t- I’m sorry.”

“Why?” There was no judgment, no accusation, just curiosity, concern. It pained Jason to look at Dick and see the blue of his eyes cloud a little at his own discomfort.

“It’s complicated.”

“Try me.” The determination that irked him most days was set in Dick’s eyes and it crashed over them like a tidal wave.

“Fine.” he sighed, this was not going to be easy.

“What- what you saw with Cyrus- I- I-”

God, he had to get a grip.

“It’s not that I like getting hurt.”

“Okay?”

“It’s- I need-” Why was this so difficult? It’s just Dick, Jason tried to remind himself, but it didn’t work in the way he wanted it to.

“I can’t- when you’re-” he tried to encompass what he was trying to say in one complicated hand gesture but knew, once he dared glancing at Dick, that he hadn’t succeeded.

“When you’re gentle-” he cringed, that word really wasn’t one of his favourites.

“I can’t handle it.”

“Okay.” this time, it wasn’t a question.

“So, kissing is off the table?” Jason wasn’t sure if the slight disappointment he thought he had heard only existed in his imagination.

“No. Just- maybe we can- I don’t know?” He liked kissing.

Or, more accurately, he liked kissing Dick.

Only Dick though.

At least, Dick wouldn’t try biting off his tongue.

“Do you think you’d want to work up to it?”

“What?”

“Like get you used to it? Would you maybe want to try that? Or is it a general no?”

“I- I want to try?” he hadn’t intended to phrase it like that.

“Okay.”

With that, Dick smiled at him, his teeth glistening in the moonlight and Jason urged to reach out and touch him. Not that he could. But, for some reason, he felt like he wanted to. Like maybe this wouldn’t be bad, wouldn’t end in mutual destruction.

He settled for touching Dick’s fingertips with his own, just once, just in passing but the way Dick’s face lit up told him the message had been conveyed.

Dick sank against the pillows, evidently ready to go to sleep now that he had Jason within reach, when Jason blurted out:

“Do you want to scene?” Dick didn’t miss a beat, although there was a slight widening of his eyes.

“What? Now?”

“No. Just-”

Just soon please.

Because he needed some kind of contact that hurt in the right way, to take his mind off things and assure him that Dick still wanted him.

“Soon?”

“Yeah.” his face was probably the colour of a tomato by now.

“I’ll think about something, alright?” He let out a breath he wasn’t aware he had been holding.

“Kay.”

“Sleep well, Jay.” And just like that, Dick was on the brink of sleep again. Jason’s mumbled reply of

“You too.” probably didn’t even register.

It eased his nerves a bit.

* * *

Two days into their blissful coexisting, a phone rang in the apartment. Dick was out on a grocery run, insisting that Jason try the new ice cream flavour Dick had been obsessing about. Jason tried ignoring it but once he got a look at the caller idea and saw what it read, he picked up.

“Demon spawn.” he drawled into the receiver, putting in all the grovel he could muster.

“Todd.”

“’s there a reason you’re on phone duty?”

“Where is Grayson?”

This was like pulling teeth. And Jason, despite being easily irked by the air of superiority surrounding that spoiled brat, enjoyed riling him up more than he should have.

“Out.”

“You have his phone.” Not a question.

“If he does not call me back in fifteen minutes, I will urge father to pay him a visit.” the line went dead with a click and Jason grinned to himself.

Dick entered then, with his usual grace and flung a bag at Jason that he easily caught.

“Bat brat called,” he said around a bite of bagel the bag had included.

“Don’t call him that.” but Dick didn’t sound too put out about it, so Jason didn’t worry. He watched Dick re-dial and greet Damian, chipper as always.

About ten seconds into the conversation, Dick’s posture stiffened and his shoulders squared.

Jason would have known that look everywhere.

Shit had, apparently, just hit the fan.

“What’s wrong?”

“You remember that new guy? Those homeless people Tim said had disappeared?”

How could he forget. The wound in his chest itched uncomfortably.

“It’s not only homeless people anymore.”  
  


* * *

What made Jason decide to throw caution into the wind and join the bats was beyond him. Fact was, people were disappearing and he couldn’t let that slide.

This was Gotham.

And Jason was nothing if not a Gothamite.

“Didn’t think you’d show your face, Todd.” he was greeted with by Tim rolling through the hall on a chair with two cups of coffee on his lap.

Dick and Jason watched him take a corner with enough force to hit the wall but he didn’t seem deterred and continued his way to the computer room.

“I want to ask,” Dick said while leaning in conspiratorially, “but I don’t wanna know the answer.”

“Good point.”

Jason was careful to avoid even looking in the direction he knew a certain room was situated. Dick threw him some concerned glanced, but thankfully, didn’t comment.

“So, what do we have?” he asked once they reached the computer room. Jason noticed the way Bruce stiffened once he had entered, obviously caught off guard with his presence.

“It started with a guy disappearing from his flat, door closed but open window, no sign of forced entry, nothing on the security footage.”

“How?”

Seriously. How was this possible. It almost sounded as if-

Now wait a minute.

“Are you saying he climbed out of his own window to avoid the cameras?” Tim raised a brow as if he was impressed at Jason having figure it out.

Thanks a lot.

“I don’t see how there could be any other explanation.”

“But why?” Dick chimed in, sounding confused and angry at the same time.

“That’s what I’d like to know.” Tim was back to typing, suppressing a yawn when no one was looking.

“Is he the only one?” Jason hated admitting that Bruce had a good point there.

“No. There’s been at least forty-five in the last week.”

“Forty-five. Forty-five?” Okay. How was this not in the news? But then again, this was Gotham.

“Yep.”

“Fuck.”

“Couldn’t agree more.”

“We still don’t know who’s doing this?”

“Scarecrow is tucked away, Penguin is somewhere in upstate and Riddler is on vacation after getting hit by that drug last month.”

Yeah that had been a good one. Ed had somehow inhaled a fear toxin and had collapsed on the spot. A sight for sore eyes it had been to watch him being wheeled into the ER with his mask half way on.

Jason would have left town after that too.

“Two-face is still pouting over that shipment that got blown up. The sirens declared themselves not guilty and are busy with their own coup anyway.” Tim sometimes reminded Jason of a machine gun, just with words.

“And we’re not doing anything about it?” Leave it to Dick to want to fight two battles at once.

“If you want to go after them, be my guest but as far as I’m concerned, I’d rather concentrate on people disappearing than on three ladies robbing a few snobs.”

“You’re a snob too, Timmy, remember?” Even though Dick’s voice hadn’t lost its sweetness, Jason heard the edge from a mile away. Tim merely rolled his eyes and turned back to the screen.

“What is the meaning of this?” the demon spawn entered the room with a lot of huffing and puffing that made him look a lot more adorable than he would have probably liked.

Almost like an angry puppy.

A deadly one, though.

Never forget that.

It had almost cost Jason two toes and an ear.

“Damian,” Jason was glad that Bruce used that tone on every bat under his wing and not just Jason.

“If you’d have listened to me, you’d have known.”

God, sometimes Jason wanted to hug the replacement. All that unapologetic snark and passive aggressive commentary.

“I do not see any reason to listen to you, Drake.”

Tim didn’t deem it worth an answer.

Good for him.

“Guys,” and there was that edge in Dick’s voice. Jason hated hearing it.

“I think we might have missed something.” he pointed at something Jason couldn’t see from where he was leaning against the wall. He unfolded himself and stalked over to where the rest of them where staring at whatever Dick was pointing at.

“What the hell?”

It was a picture of one of the missing people, captured by a security camera on the sidewalk. Jason highly suspected the guy hadn’t known it was there, given the measures that had been taken to make those people disappear quietly.

“I’ve never seen that before.”

Neither had Jason. It looked- well, unfamiliar but first and foremost just goddamn creepy.

The guy had black veins covering every parts of his skin, almost like a spiderweb or something. His eyes were pitch black, not just pupil but void of any white.

“What is this?”

Whatever it was, Jason had a strong suspicion, he didn’t want to ever come within ten feet of it. Twenty, if he was lucky.

“Is there a pattern?” Dick piped up, still studying the picture. Jason wanted to vomit, it looked so horrible, painful.

“A pattern?”

“Yeah. The people that are disappearing. Is there a pattern to them? Is he targeting specific people or is it random?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Can you look into it?”

“Sure.” Tim resumed his typing while Dick studied the picture.

“What are you thinking?”

“I don’t know. It’s a feeling, you know?” Jason did know. He had those feelings too from time to time.

“I really do not know whether you drowned your last brain cells in your coffee today, Drake, or whether you never had any to being with.”

“Now, listen, you little-” Bruce held up his hand, obviously having caught something Tim hadn’t yet. The latter mumbled “favouritism” under his breath but otherwise remained silent.

“It is fairly obvious, who the targets are, is it not?”

Four pairs of eyes, all equally confused, stared at Damian.

“Tt-tt- do you not see what all of them have in common?”

“No.”

“Those are people no one will miss. People that live alone, that are easy to abduct without anyone noticing.”

The impact of the statement hit somewhere deep. Something must have shown on his face then, because Bruce slammed down his fist on the table and said:

“No!”

Everyone in the room, including Jason, startled.

“You’re not doing it. I forbid you-”

“Forbid me? Are you kidding me? I don’t know if you’ve realised with all that brooding you’ve been doing, but I’m an adult. I can do whatever the fuck I want and you don’t get a say in it whatsoever.”

“What are you talking about?” But they both ignored Dick in favour of staring each other down.

“I will not let you do it. If I have to lock you up, I will.”

“Ha. Up to your old tricks, I see. Wanna throw me in Arkham like last time or are you gonna build me a cage right here?”

“If I have to.”

“You’re unbelievable! You know what? You can’t hold me here against my will!”

“Watch me!”

“Guys!”

“What?” they both snapped at Dick simultaneously.

“Would either of you mind stopping this beating around the bush bullshit and at least letting us know what you’re yelling about?”

Jason didn’t move a muscle, silently daring Bruce to speak up.

And, of course, in true Bruce fashion, did. 

“He wants to go undercover.”

“To do what?” Sometimes, he envied Dick for his naivety.

“To let himself be taken.”

“No, he doesn’t,” he turned to Jason, a look of utter incredulity on his face “you’re not, right?”

“Dick-”

“No. Are you kidding me? No way. This isn’t happening.” Maybe Dick thought, if he put his foot down, Jason would back down.

If so, he was mistaken.

“It’s not your choice to make.” Jason had no idea how he was keeping so calm on the outside when his insides were clenching painfully. He really didn’t want to discuss this.

“You can’t do this.”

“I can.”

“No. This won’t even work. It’s stupid.”

“It will work.”

“How do you know, ha? You’re just saying that. How can you be so sure?”

“Because he thinks he fits the pattern.”

Jason was caught between being annoyed and relieved that Tim had said it. It wasn’t like he couldn’t admit to it but saying it out loud would likely trigger some kind of guilt or pity response and he didn’t want either.

“But he doesn’t!”

“Don’t I?” he hadn’t meant to let it slip. And the way Dick flinched like Jason had slapped him, cemented his resolve.

“I’m legally dead. That’s a good enough reason for no one to be looking for me when I disappear…”

“That’s not true.” Dick shook his head so violently it looked painful.

“Dick-”

“It’s not! Do you really think we would just let you do that? That we won’t stop you? That we wouldn’t care?” Jason wasn’t prepared for the emotion in Dick’s voice.

This should have been an easy decision.

In all fairness, this shouldn’t even have required a discussion.

“Do you?”

“Look: it’s our one shot to shut this down,” Jason snapped, careful not to answer Dick’s question.

“Jay-”

“It’s my decision, Big Bird. I won’t let some people get snatched because I’m too chicken to do something about it. This is my town.”

“I want a tracker on you,” Bruce suddenly spoke up.

“What?”

“I want to have at least one tracker on you. And if I have to shove it down your throat for you to ingest it, I will do so.”

“Chill your horses, B.”

“Tracker. At least one.” With that, he threw the paper he’d been holding on the table, left the room and slammed the door behind him.

“Who pissed into his cereals this morning,” Jason attempted to lighten the mood but was met with three pairs of eyebrows higher up than they had any right to be.

“I always knew you were an idiot, Todd, but evidently, I have underestimated you.” The demon spawn turned away from him after baring his teeth like a furious cat and then disappeared down a corridor.

“If you could just stop thinking everyone is out to get you…” now the replacement had something to add too, what a great day.

It’s not like Jason expected them to be grateful he was doing this, but at least he would have like a little support.

“Do you really think nobody would miss you?” Jason’s heart did a weird flip when he heard Dick’s voice. It had something sad in it, almost defeated as if Jason had single-handedly destroyed every ounce of hope in him.

“Dickie-”

“No. I get that you want to shut it down. But this isn’t the right way. And if you think, you mean that little to us…”

“It’s not- I don’t think that…”

_Didn’t he?_   
  


* * *

He rang the bell and didn’t know whether he wanted Dick to open or not.

“Jason?”

“I-” he paused, “I thought we could…” Words failed him.

“Come in.” Dick stepped aside. Jason noticed he held himself with the air of someone anticipating to get hurt. That hadn’t been his intention.

Quite the opposite.

The expression triggered him so much, he blurted his next words out without thinking.

“I need you.”

“What?” Dick’s eyes bulged.

“I need you. I’m schedule to go undercover in three days and I just- the way we left off- I can’t- I don’t feel good doing it…”

“Because you think you’re about to get killed?”

“No! No. That’s not what I meant.”

Not really anyway.

“Then what did you mean?” Dick’s tone held an edge that cut swiftly through all of Jason’s defences.

“I just need- I want you to-”

“To what?”

Jason felt his face heat.

“I want to scene.”

“Why?”

“I can’t- when I close my eyes I see so many things, you know? Bad things. And I need to- I need you to take that away from me- the- the control…” he hated, loathed, putting it into words, having to explain it.

But something in Dick’s demeanour changed when he said them.

“Are you sure?” The inevitable question. But Jason felt comfortable answering it.

_“Yes.”_

* * *

Jason had one leg propped up on the counter, thighs shaking with the effort to hold still. Dick was busy behind him, peppering his back with kisses while he kept a steady hold of Jason’s body with his hands.

“Ready, Little Wing?” Not that he had a choice in the matter. Especially, considering how much time Jason had spent in his own head, getting worked up over the mission. Dick forced himself to stop thinking about it.

They couldn’t both be caught up in this.

One of them had to keep a clear head. All signs pointed to that person having to be Dick, however hard it was going to be. But he had to admit, it helped Jason calm down, being punished, given easy tasks to take his mind off of things, to take his iron control away from him.

Dick slowly pressed the metal against Jason’s rim, revelling in the way his back muscles tense up immediately.

“Relax,” he whispered into Jason’s skin.

“This isn’t your punishment. It’s just meant to rile you up a little- give you something to think about…” Maybe he shouldn’t have said that but then again, to Jason, all of this was punishment, just on different levels.

“Wh- what do you mean?” His voice sounded completely wrecked even though Dick hadn’t really done anything.

“Oh, you have no idea, do you?”

He chose that moment to insert the first bead. Jason tensed up, thighs shaking again.

“N- nngh- no…”

“They’ll feel so good, Little Wing. You won’t be able to concentrate on anything else…” The second one was half-way inside when Dick noticed the death grip Jason had on the counter. His knuckles were turning white already. Dick placed a sweet kiss on Jason’s neck then reached around and took hold of his cock. He wasn’t surprised to find it leaking, strenuously hard and hot in his hand.

“You seem to like them more than I thought you would…” he couldn’t help the teasing, not when Jason let his head drop against Dick’s shoulder, eyes closed and breathing heavily. Just when he sensed Jason was about to let go, he gave a hard squeeze to the base of his cock.

Jason’s eyes shot open, a look of betrayal visible in them that amused Dick to no ends.

“One more to go…” Dick pressed the last bead inside, felt more how they clashed against each other, and, evidently, swiped over Jason’s prostrate. Jason’s knees buckled, he keened high in his throat, fingers clenching and unclenching. He breathed in deeply for over a minute.

Dick wondered, if Jason could even hold out for how long Dick had planned or if they would have to cut short their grocery run.

“I- _Dick_!” There was no denying the alarm overtly present in Jason’s voice. Dick smirked at him. How someone as dangerous as Jason could sound so innocent was beyond him. He relished it.

And at the same time, it reminded him that Jason was much more equipped to take pain and punishment than he was to receive a tender touch here and there. The thought saddened him and he quickly refocussed his attention.

This was not the time.

“Shshsh…” Alright, maybe that had come out a bit more mocking and a lot less reassuring than Dick had intended.

“It’s- _oh God_ …” he had to grip the counter again, once he managed to stand up straight, after taking his left leg off of it. Dick couldn’t help but notice the tremors still running through Jason.

“Intense, right?” he grinned, “Ah, don’t worry. You’ll manage.”

“I don’t-” Jason breathed in shakily.

Then, barely a whisper, he continued: “What if I can’t?”

“We’ll see about that, won’t we?” He said it although he had no doubt Jason could handle it. He helped him get dressed, he wasn’t that cruel after all, and they went on their merry way.

About five feet in front of the store, Dick noticed Jason had slowed down to an almost stop.

“What’s wrong, Jay?” he asked in a mockingly sweet tone but the smile on his face was genuine. He did like seeing Jason squirm at every other step.

“Nothing.” He gritted his teeth, his jaw clenched while a thin sheen of sweat had started to gather on his forehead. Dick ran his hand through Jason’s locks, pulled a little and watched in satisfaction as his eyes went glassy.

“Don’t- please…” Jason breathed out when Dick pulled him flush by the swell of his ass, effectively causing the beads to move.

“Don’t you want me to kiss you?” Dick asked, lashes fluttering innocently.

“Don’t you like it?”

 _“Dick.”_ Jason growled, his eyes narrowed.

“That’s my name,” God, riling Jason up was such a delight.

“Groceries!” Jason bit out and shoved at Dick until he was a good three steps away. Dick grinned but allowed the rebellious act, instead taking Jason’s hand and pulling him into the shop.

They walked for a while, in perfect harmony, grabbing bread and cereal, squabbling like an old married couple. But when Dick spotted a package of lifesavers that he was sure Jason would want, and seeing as they were at the very bottom of the shelf, he couldn’t resist the temptation.

“Why don’t you get them for me?” he whispered into Jason’s ear, delighted when Jason’s mind caught his angle immediately.

“I don’t- I still have some left…”

“Now, don’t be like that,” Dick chided against his neck, making sure to let his breath ghost over the place where Jason’s pulse raced visibly.

“Come get them for me.”

Jason, for but a moment, looked as if he would refuse. A silent staring match ensued that Dick won by a hair and then Jason rolled his eyes and moved towards the shelf.

“Straight back,” Dick instructed when Jason made as if to crouch down.

“Fuck you!” Jason spat.

Dick’s eyes narrowed. He stalked forward and gripped Jason’s chin forcefully.

“You want to say that again?”

And because Jason had never been one to back down when he should, he tilted his chin up as much as he could and spat out:

“I said: fuck you!”

Dick let go then, entirely and stepped back. With positive glee, he saw Jason’s eyes widen once he caught glimpse of the dangerous smirk playing around Dick’s lips.

“As you wish then,” Dick said, pleased by the flush that had started to spread on Jason’s cheeks. He pushed against Jason’s chest with a bit of force behind it, making the latter stumble back.

“That’s it?” Jason’s eyebrow had climbed steadily for the past minute.

“That’s all you gonna say?” He scoffed, that infuriating air of confidence, arrogance even, had taken over his features. Therefore, he missed how Dick’s smile had turned from sweet to downright dirty, a promise palpable on his lips that Jason had yet to recognise.

“Oh, I have plenty to say, don’t you worry.” he fiddled with his shirt, playing up the innocent participant until he zeroed in on Jason again.

“When I get you home, I’ll show you exactly what I think about you mouthing off. But, seeing as we’re in a grocery store full of people and I’m really not in the mood for spanking your ass raw in the middle of aisle 2, I’m going to wait. And, until then, you can think about what you just got yourself into.”

Jason’s jaw had dropped sometime in between Dick’s monologue. Dick noted it with satisfaction.

“Now, stop gaping like a fish and get those lifesavers for me…” when Jason, once again, didn’t move, out of equal parts defiance and shock, Dick grabbed his neck and squeezed.

“Do you really want to disobey a direct order?”

“N- no, sorry…”

Dick let go of him then, stepped back, arms crossed and motioned towards the shelf with his head.

“Go ahead then.”

Jason mumbled something that Dick couldn’t make out and finally bent over. The sight was totally worth all the trouble, Jason’s ass on display in those sinfully tight trousers. Dick had a hard time controlling himself. Especially, when he heard the soft moan that rippled through Jason once he straightened his back again.

The beads must have done their part pretty well if the flush on Jason’s cheeks was anything to go by.

After what should have been but wasn’t a short grocery run, they were on the way back to Dick’s apartment. Approximately two blocks away Jason stopped Dick with a hand on his arm and pulled him into an alley.

“What-”

Jason stopped Dick’s attempt at prompting a question by pressing their lips together. Almost on instinct, Dick’s hands closed around Jason’s waist, grabbing whatever part of him he could reach. Jason moaned into his mouth, shuddered when Dick squeezed his ass through his jeans.

“I-” Jason started but didn’t finish, caught up in a groan.

“Hm?” Dick was determined to let Jason word his thoughts even though kissing him seemed like the more intriguing option. He was, however, well aware of what Jason was trying to do.

“I don’t- what I said in- in the store…”

There it was. Finally. Dick grinned to himself. Of course, Jason wanted to make amends now.

“What about it?” He didn’t feel bad for pushing Jason’s boundaries, not when he knew how turned on Jason was. Not that it hadn’t been perfectly evident already by the hard on still pressed against Dick’s thigh.

“I just-” he huffed, apparently exasperated with himself, “I didn’t mean to, you know?”

“To what?”

“Say that…”

“But you did, Jay,” Dick said sweetly “Twice.”

“I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean to.”

“I’m glad you’re apologising,” Dick witnessed the almost comical relief on Jason’s face and leaned close to correct him.

“I’ll take it into account when I calculate how many times I’m going to whip you…”

Jason’s knees buckled a fraction, his ears burned, his pupils dilated. It proved to Dick however much Jason was putting up a fight, he did like to be treated like this.

“Wh- whip me?”

“Yup. You didn’t think we were just going for a regular spanking tonight, did you?”

“I- I-” Hearing him stutter with that delightful expression on his face, caught between excitement and nerves, was a treat to Dick.

“Don’t you think you have earned yourself something a bit more challenging than that?”

“I don’t-” he huffed, “I don’t know…”

“Tell me then, Jay, what do you think is appropriate…” When Jason opened his mouth, Dick cut in.

“And make it good.”

Jason seemed to contemplate in earnest then, but his shoulders dropped not a second later, as if he had decided on something- something he didn’t like. Dick was on his toes, almost brimming with curiosity.

“I- Cy never-”

A slight sense of disappointment settled in Dick’s veins, before a thought occurred to him.

“So, what? First time for everything, right?”

He was sure the nod Jason gave was more than forced.

“I, for my part, do think you have earned yourself a good whipping, not just because of what you said but because of what happened yesterday.”

Jason didn’t answer, staring at his feet.

“Don’t you agree?”

“Yes.” He bit it out between clenched teeth, almost a snarl.

“That’s settled then. I’m really looking forward to seeing how much you can take.”

Jason breathed out a garbled-up version of his name. His hands shook where they held onto Dick’s shoulders. Dick took pity on him then and directed Jason back out on the street, steadying him the whole way to his apartment.

* * *

“I won’t tie you up.”

“Wh- why not?” Because it would make things easier, would help him when Dick knew that’s not what Jason was after tonight. Not with the way he had punished himself already, scratching his own skin to the point where it was raw, hitting his head against the wall to make the memories stop. Images from that night, of Jason’s wet hair, threatened to suffocate him for a moment.

Dick fought them until he could breathe again.

He had seen all the damage that had been done to Jason, had finally realised why he felt like he needed to be put in his place. All that Dick knew but didn’t say. Instead, he settled on:

“Because I want _you_ to keep your hands still. I won’t help you this time. You’ll have to do it all by yourself. Think, you can do that for me, Little Wing?”

He nodded but it held none of his usual confidence. Dick knew though that whatever happened, Jason would do his very best to obey.

“Good boy.”

It had just slipped out, with no real intention. And yet, the shudder that ran through Jason was as spectacular as if it was tempting. Dick filed the information away for later, planning to make good use of it.

“Lie down?” He posed it as a question, even though both of them very aware that it was none.

“I want you to keep your hands beside your head. You may grab the headboard but if I see them inch any further down than your shoulders, there’s gonna be consequences.”

The stern tone had seeped into his voice entirely without his permission. It did its job however, when Jason moved to position himself exactly as Dick had told him to.

“About Cyrus’ rules…” he scratched his head, heat flushing his cheeks. He could think of easier things than talking this through but he knew they had to for this to work. Jason stared at him with a nervous flicker as if unsure what Dick was getting at.

“Most of them are still in place, but-” he paused to catch Jason’s eye, wanting to reassure himself he had his full attention.

“I don’t want you to keep quiet.”

Jason’s face gave nothing away.

“I want to hear you.”

A nod, brief and sharp was all he got in response, ironic, really considering what he had just said.

“If you’d rather not, I can live with that, but…”

“But?”

“But I would really like to hear you. It does something to me…” He had to stop himself before he revealed too much.

“Okay,” he said it warily, as if still undecided how he felt about it.

“What- what about the other rules?” Oh, and wasn’t that adorable. Dick smiled and it came out rather devilish, he was sure.

“As I said…” He leaned in, hovering over Jason’s face, an inch of distance between them.

“The rest of them still stand…” he drew even closer, let his breath ghost over Jason’s lips before stealing a kiss.

“You’re a good boy and I’ll reward you, you’re a bad boy and you’ll be punished…” a full-body shudder wrecked Jason’s body, hands twitching where he still gripped the headboard.

“And before I forget…” Dick’s fingers dipped down low, tracing circles on Jason’s belly, then skipping even further down to wrap around his cock. He let Jason buck his hips, thrust up a few times until his breath became too short.

Dick squeezed the base of his cock, the second he saw Jason’s abs tighten.

“You’re not allowed to come, are we clear?”

Jason nodded quickly, eyes large.

“Say it…” He prompted, aware how cruel Jason must find it.

“I’m- I’m not allowed to c-come…” his voice had caught on the last word, eyes fluttering shut in, what Dick recognised as shyness. His cheeks had suddenly flushed bright red, a delicious sight in Dick’s opinion.

“So-” he gave Jason’s cock a few hard tugs, watching in delight when Jason chased the sensation.

“What’s it going to be?” his tongue darted out, licked a broad stripe across Jason’s neck.

“Good?” Jason’s breath picked up when Dick’s hand did.

“Or bad?” To underline his point, Dick let his teeth sink into Jason’s shoulder, not so hard as to draw blood but with enough force to leave an indention in the skin.

“Good-” Jason whispered “I’ll be good- I prom- _nngh_ \- promise.”

Dick couldn’t believe how worked up Jason was after just a few touches and some filthy words muttered into his ear.

But God, did he relish it.

* * *

He let the whip dance across Jason’s chest, tails tracing the red marks that had already started to form on the skin. He noticed, just when the whip reached Jason’s thighs, that he had started breathing heavily, nostrils flaring. Dick smiled to himself.

Leave it to Jason, he thought, to look this devilishly sinful while being hit.

Dick let his wrist flick and saw when Jason arched a little. His hands threatened, just this once, to inch down. Dick was almost disappointed when Jason remained in position, grinding his teeth.

He delivered another, more vicious hit against Jason’s thigh, hoping it would earn him a moan, a sound, something. Jason had been awfully quiet since they had started.

“You know,” he taunted “I really think you ought to talk more…”

He wasn’t being deliberately cruel, but Jason’s voice, his admission, and especially his begging, did things to him, he couldn’t even describe.

“Tell me,” Dick whispered, voice dark and full of gravel.

“Tell me how it makes you feel.” He placed another hit right against Jason’s pecs.

Jason managed to shake his head and tilt his head in defiance. And Dick couldn’t have that, now could he?

“I won’t ask again,” the threat rang through him, clear like water.

“I-” Jason licked his lips, eyes darting to the ceiling, to the side, back to the ceiling, unable to focus on Dick without his lashes fluttering shut. He had always been hesitant to admit what he liked or what he was feeling and Dick had never had enough leverage to convince him to share. But now- now, he could simply make him. And that prospect had Dick breathing heavily as well.

He was tempted to strip down, ease the pressure against his dick, but refrained. He could do that later, now was the time to focus on Jason.

“Go on,” Dick encouraged, adding a note of sweetness to his tone that fooled nobody, least of all Jason and still, he managed to speak between two heavy breaths.

“Feels good-”

_Fuck yes._

“What does?” His own voice sounded hoarse, raw.

Jason turned his head away until Dick caught his chin and made him look. That green had him drowning, grasping for a straw of sanity.

“What feels good, Little Wing?” He coerced gently, softly and yet with a hint of teeth.

“The whip! _Fuck_! The whip feels good, okay? I like-” he gasped for air, “I like it!”

Dick was going to die. He could feel it tingling in his toes and slowly creeping up his legs to his chest, that fire. That burning need for Jason he had felt for such a long time.

And to have him at Dick’s mercy, aching and submissive, pushed Dick’s buttons like nothing else ever had. He briefly thought back to what Cyrus had said to him. The man had been right, almost frighteningly so when he had told Dick to picture it, to take what he wanted because Jason wanted him back just as much.

He knew, it was messed up to want him like this, to desire his submission, his need to feel pain, but Dick couldn’t help it, wasn’t even sure, he wanted to.

Jason was beautiful like this, was beautiful, always but this- this was something else.

* * *

“Need- Dick- need to- _nngh_ \- come…” Dick had to admit, he certainly looked like it. Still…

“Do you now?” He didn’t manage to keep the teasing tone out of his voice. Maybe that cruel tendency did come out more frequently when Jason was concerned.

“Yes- please…” Who would have thought Jason could be so polite?

Dick made a non-committal sound, quite aware how it fuelled Jason’s hope of getting off.

“Can I- _fuck_ \- can I?” How adorable, Dick thought as he watched him pout, blinking sweetly at him.

“Patience, Little Wing.”

Jason let out a groan like he was being tortured and Dick tutted while everything inside him was protesting. He had always been a giving person after all. And it wasn’t like he wanted to deny

Jason the pleasure of finally getting to come. But he felt like he should. It was what Jason needed. Giving up control.

“I just don’t think you really _need_ to come, do you? Sure, you _want_ to. But you don’t need it. Not really. Not _yet_.”

Jason screwed his eyes shut, hips bucking up seemingly out of his control. Dick saw his cock twitch, his balls drew up, once, twice. It was so close to an actual orgasm that he feared Jason would topple over regardless of the lack of stimulation.

Only when Jason’s whole body had red lashes all over it, did Dick let up. He stored the whip in the box and let his finger glide over a particular strong vibrator he had discovered a month ago.

Although he was dying to try it out, one look at Jason told him that today was not the day.

He had originally planned to give Jason a minute to breathe. That good intention flew right out of the window, though, when he saw Jason clench around the beads and rotate his hips. It just looked so damned inviting that Dick couldn’t resist. He pushed at Jason’s hips to settle him back against the bed, then grabbed the end of the string and pulled.

“Shit- Dick- Dick- Dick!”

The beads had evidently done something that really set Jason off, if the flush down his chest and the precome pooling on his belly were any indicator.

“You like that?”

“Yeah…” His thighs quivered. Dick brushed his hole with his fingers, adding to the stretch. Jason’s legs snapped shut and he keened high in his throat. Dick tutted at him, caught between amused and aroused.

“Keep your legs spread, Jaybird,” Jason surrendered, let his legs fall open, presenting himself. Dick’s breath caught at the sight.

God, he was so damn hot.

He moved on from playing with the string to curling his fingers around Jason’s cock. It took three tugs before Jason’s abs tightened. Dick slowed down immediately, the action causing Jason to buck up, chasing the friction Dick was denying him.

“Please! Oh _God_ , please! I can’t- I need to come! Dick, _please_ , let me! Fuck- don’t stop! Don’t stop, please, I’ll do anything!”

Dick paused. Jason threw his head back and whined when the sensation stopped.

“Anything?”

“Yes. Anything you want, just, please, _please_ , let me…”

“Just a bit more, Little Wing,” he dabbed a washcloth against Jason’s skin to wipe the sweat off his forehead, a soothing gesture to calm him down.

“You can take a bit more, right?”

“N- no, please- I don’t- I need-”

“You think you’re punished enough? Tell me, Jay.” He didn’t ask because he wanted to tease him but because he was testing how far gone Jason really was.

And Jason hesitated.

It told Dick what he needed to know.

“I can stop right now. I’ll let you come if you think you have earned it,” he took hold of Jason’s cock, gaze locked on Jason’s mouth as it formed around a sob.

“Did you?” He asked, a softness in his voice he hadn’t deliberately let slip “earn it?”

Jason, predictably, shook his head, tears catching on his lashes.

“What do you think you need to do to earn that orgasm you want so desperately?”

“I- I don’t know- please- I-”

“Hush. Think it through. I’ll let you rest for a bit and then you’re going to tell me, alright?”

Jason’s nod came with quite the delay.

Dick let him breathe for the good part of ten minutes, still keeping a watchful eye on him and making sure, he was alright and didn’t want to actually stop just yet. When he leaned in to kiss Jason softly on the lips, the latter tensed imperceptibly.

“What’s wrong, Little Wing?” Dick whispered against his lips, worried he might have done something wrong.

Jason took some time to answer, his eyes, once more, skipping through the room.

“I want-” he stopped mid-sentence. Dick felt like sitting on hot coals, deadly curious and so very worried.

“I want to be good…” Jason finally managed to say. Dick’s heart hit his feet.

“But you are,” he immediately soothed, sensing Jason was minutes away from dropping.

“You are being so good, Jay.”

He shook his head a violent “no”. Dick caught his face in his hands and make him focus.

“Why do you feel you’re not being good?”

“I- I just don’t- I don’t know-”

“What don’t you know, Jay?”

“What-” he cleared his throat, blinked a few times “what you want…”

“What I want?”

“Yeah…”

I took him quite a while to put together what Jason was trying to say. And when he did, his stomach turned.

“I want to let you come.”

“But you said-”

But Dick interrupted him before he could even finish. If he had known choosing would make Jason this upset, this unsteady, he would have never even entertained the idea.

“I said I will let you come right now if that’s what you want.”

“I-” Jason gulped “I want to…”

“Okay,” Dick reached for Jason’s cock, which was still hot and hard against his belly. Jason stopped him the second his fingers touched the reddened skin.

“No- I just-”

“You just don’t know, do you?” Jason didn’t even have to nod, the look on his face said it for him.

“You don’t want me to just let you come right now. You want to-” Dick breathed in “you want to be rewarded for taking the punishment, right?”

Jason stared at him with something undefinable.

“Like a good boy.” At those words, Jason nodded frantically, his eyes fluttering shut. A soft moan left his lips when Dick saw him clench around the beads. It was a hell of a sight. Dick mustered all the sternness he still had in him and stood.

“Tell me, Jay,” he said, tone taking on that dominant flavour “how do you feel about riding crops?”

It was plain as day what exactly Jason thought about them, but he didn’t say so straight away. Dick had talked to Cyrus about it, had memorised perfectly well that Jason longed to try but had always been hesitant when it came to that specific instrument.

“Your call,” he whispered, needing Jason to remember this was his decision and his alone.

“Okay,” he murmured, after what had felt to Dick like eternity.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah- just-” Jason nibbled on his lip.

“Just what?”

“I’ve never- you know- done that…” He seemed almost embarrassed as if Dick would judge him.

“I know.”

“I want to.” the admission came softly, like he was ashamed of it and excited nevertheless.

“I know,” Dick reassured him with a soft smile. Jason’s lips ticked and his cheeks flushed red.

“Okay.” Dick couldn’t help the grin from spreading and leaned down to pick up the crop.

“I think you know what to do, right?” Dick waited for the confirming nod before continuing.

“Very well then. Hands around the headboard, spread your legs…”

Before bringing out the riding crop, Dick offered “Do you need me to tie you up?”

The plea came in a hushed whisper.

“Yes…” He made sure the bonds didn’t cut Jason’s skin, weren’t too tight around his ankles. If anything, he wanted them to be a help of sorts, an anchor for Jason to hold onto. He knew how the feeling of ropes around his wrists calmed him down.

“How many do you think you deserve?”

“Ten?”

“Are you asking or telling me?”

“Ten.” Jason said with more conviction in his voice.

“Ten it is. And you better count every single one.” Jason nodded frantically, then licked his lips as if to prepare himself.

“If you forget, I’ll start again.” Dick warned and saw Jason’s eyes widen a fraction.

He let the crop shift over Jason’s skin, not indicating where he would place the first hit. Jason followed it with his gaze, flinching whenever Dick lifted it a fraction.

After having decided where to start, he drew back and brought the crop down sharply on Jason’s pec.

**_Smack!_ **

“One,” Jason immediately ground out. His breathing had become laboured but otherwise he had remained perfectly still. Dick felt a sense of pride rush through him. He aimed for the other pec this time, the crop heavy in his hand.

“Two.”

The third hit, Dick placed against Jason’s open thigh, hitting a spot just above the knee. Jason howled, his whole body forming a beautiful arch when he tensed up. Dick waited for the number three to be uttered but it became clear that Jason would not count this one.

What it was about having his thigh hit when the whip in the same spot hadn’t even startled him, was something Dick carefully filed away in his head.

“What did I tell you before we started?”

“I- I don’t-” he had trouble articulating after only three hits. Dick almost pitied him.

“What did I say would happen if you lost count?”

Jason’s face went remarkably white while his cock twitched against the ring. Dick noted it with interest. Jason had always been a sucker for pain, only now it was getting harder to deny. What with the way his dick was oozing a steady stream of precome onto his belly, creating a sticky mess Dick swiped his fingers through.

“Mmmh, you taste really good…” Jason’s eyes seemed stuck to where Dick was licking his fingers clean.

“But, back to the business,” he put on a fairly chipper façade while his insides were burning up with need.

“I asked you a question, Little Wing.” The stern tone was at odds with the grin he was portraying.

“You- you said, you were going to- to start again?”

“Such a good listener…” he praised, one hand ruffling Jason’s hair. He noted how drenched those raven locks were with glee.

“Let’s get to it, then.”

He positioned himself.

“Ready?” Instead of a verbal answer, Jason merely nodded once. Dick loved the way he sucked his lip into his mouth and bit it until it turned quite white.

“One!” Jason dutifully counted when Dick had hit his pec once more. He had had a game plan in mind upon beginning and he was determined to see it through. Even if it meant re-delivering the same hit twice.

“Two!”

As if Jason anticipated where Dick would place the third hit- his thigh, once more- he gritted his teeth. This time, he did count it though and Dick rewarded him by rubbing the tip of the crop against his cock.

“Four!” The right thigh reddened under his attention.

“Five!” Jason ground out when Dick let the crop come down against Jason’s hip.

“Six!” The other side of his hip didn’t warrant the same response and Dick quickly moved on.

“Seven!” One to his belly that feigned a decrease in pain, a careful deception on Dick’s part.

“You’ve been doing really well…” Dick stated sweetly, cruelly, he was aware if one only knew where this was headed. But then again, Jason really ought to earn that orgasm.

With a light grip around the handle, he let the tip of the crop rest under Jason’s chin.

“Look at me, Jay,” he prompted, delighted when Jason’s eyes met his, the greenish blue Dick loved so much had gone, swallowed up by the black of Jason’s pupils.

“I want you to tell me why we’re doing this, before I give you the last three,” his tone held a stern note, his eyebrow raised to further strengthen his command.

“B- because I need- I need it…” Jason stumbled his way through an answer, heavy with its implications.

“Why?” his voice barely had the volume of a whisper, almost a breath of air. Jason flushed an even deeper red.

“Y-you know why,” he shrugged as best as he could in his bonds. Dick knew how much it cost him to even think the confession, let alone say it. But, Cyrus had instructed him clearly, had told him what Jason really needed, beneath all the game of pleasure and pain. Instead of letting the issue drop, he pressed further.

“I want to hear you say it…”

Jason looked, for the first time, like he wanted to use his safeword. Dick kept perfectly still, let him make his decision. The tension in Jason’s shoulders was the first sign of which direction Jason was taking this.

“Because I need to-” he breathed in as if to calm himself, yet his voice was strained, a faint tremble wrecking it.

“I need to be punished…” If Dick hadn’t held his breath, he wouldn’t have heard the words spoken as if their being out in the open would shatter something. Dick nodded and Jason relaxed, a bold move seeing as what was to come now.

“Now, the last three are going to hurt, so, I want you to use your safeword if you need to, alright?” Another nod, then Dick positioned himself. Jason’s eyes, he noticed, widened when the implication of Dick’s placement in the room caught up to him.

“Keep as still as you can…” he had to concentrate, this was a delicate affair after all. Then he drew back. A sharp flick of the wrist and the crop connected with the underside of Jason’s balls. He bucked his hips up with enough force to move the bed.

“ _Ffffuck_ \- eight- eight!” he stuttered around the number, eyes screwed shut. Dick waited until he had calmed down a little, his breathing only a little elevated and his eyes open again.

“Nine!” He yelled when Dick hit him again, this time a little harder. Jason’s cock throbbed, flushed a pretty purple at having been denied release for so long. Dick took it in hand and gave it two tugs, just to ease some tension.

Jason threw his head back, breathing hard through his nose.

“Please- I-”

“Ah, ah, ah,” Dick tutted “There’s still one more to go.”

He let the crop rest against the length of Jason’s erection, in a promise of what was going to happen next. Jason had started begging again, a litany of constant pleas filled Dick’s ears and he wasn’t all too sure what it was Jason was begging him for.

“What is it, Little Wing?” he couldn’t help but ask, damned curious if Jason wanted him to stop or to continue. Jason didn’t answer and Dick realised, he probably didn’t know what he wanted himself.

“Keep still,” he reprimanded when Jason’s thighs threatened to snap close.

“S- sorry…”

Dick let the crop once more rest against Jason’s cock, rubbing it at the tip when it lurched upwards a bit.

“Ready?”

Jason tensed, nodded. Dick drew back and let it connect with the throbbing length with a loud smack.

“Ten- _God_ \- ten- f-fuck- please- please- _Dick_!” Jason’s hips bucked up, his ass clenched and, despite the ring, his cock twitched in an imitation of an orgasm that didn’t happen by a hair.

Dick let the crop drop immediately and was at Jason’s side in an instant. His fingers wiped away the tears that had caught in Jason’s lashes.

“You’ve been so good, Jay, so good.” Jason whined at the words.

Dick freed his ankles, but left his wrists as they were, and quickly continued: “I’m going to let you choose…”

Jason, beyond words, simply stared at him, a pout prominent on his lips. His face seemed to ask what Dick was talking about.

“How do you want to come?”

Jason’s eyes darted across the room in that way of his- reminding Dick so much of a deer in headlights that he could barely bear it.

When he had figured out why Jason kept looking at him like he was being set up, he bent down to press a soft kiss against his temple.

“This isn’t a test and it’s not a trap either,” he whispered, hoping his voice conveyed that he was being genuine.

“If choosing is too much for you, I can give you some options?” Tenderness was key here, Dick was well aware. Jason nodded, bit his lip. Dick detected anticipation in the dilation of his pupils.

“I can give you my hand?” he phrased it as a question, fully anticipating the shake of Jason’s head that he got in response. He was glad, it had been his least favourite option.

“I can blow you?” Even though he liked that one better, seeing as it would be more intimate, he would still prefer the option that would allow him to get as close to Jason as he could.

“I can fuck you…” this time, he let the sentence hang in the air. A nervous uptick in his heartbeat reminded him how much he wished for that fantasy of his to be fulfilled. They had fucked once before but not like this.

The air around them felt charged with tenderness, sensuality. Before, Jason had been tied up throughout. It had been rough, almost dirty. And Dick ached for even the possibility to have Jason like this, stripped bare of the armour he had built around himself, pliant and needy.

“Please,” Jason whispered softly, as if he was afraid he would break something if he had said it any louder.

“I want- I want that…” Dick had never heard Jason this desperate before and it did things to him he couldn’t analyse right now. It wasn’t a power play to him but the satisfaction of giving Jason an outlet, something he could fall back on. Sure, he relished having some control back after Jason had slipped through his fingers so many times before, but in reality, Jason was the one calling the shots.

He had Dick wrapped around his finger, pulling strings he hadn’t even known were there. And it felt damn good.

“Say it,” he heard himself say, the command rippling through him with an intensity that he hadn’t felt before. Jason whined, a sound that went straight to Dick’s cock.

“I- want you to,” Jason swallowed around nothing, his mouth apparently dry. He tried again after the first failed attempt to formulate a full sentence.

“I want you to fuck me…” at the last second, he seemed to remember where he was and who he was talking to and added a soft “please” at the end.

“Good choice, Little Wing…” Dick murmured into the crook of his neck where he was peppering soft kisses against his skin. He let his fingers linger for a bit, cradling Jason’s balls gently, careful not to hurt him by applying too much pressure, tight as they were. His mouth salivated at the sight. Jason shifted around on the bed, trying to get closer to Dick in an almost endearing manner.

Dick felt a smile tug at his lips at this display of neediness.

“Let me take care of you…”

Jason nodded frantically, eyes fluttering close as he relaxed back against the mattress. Dick reached around then and pulled at the chain connecting the beads in Jason’s ass. It moved without much resistance and Dick was careful not to let it graze Jason’s prostate in fear of overstimulating him.

When he lined himself up, slathered in lube that soothed his burning need at least a fraction, Jason tensed up.

“Relax, Jay…” Only when Jason’s iron grip around the headboard loosened did Dick push in. Smooth velvet heat engulfed him. He had trouble breathing, his vision blurred at the rush of need that suddenly filled him to the brim.

Almost on second thought, he remembered that Jason was still wearing the cock ring. Without delaying this any further, he snapped it off. The sigh that Jason breathed out was heaven to Dick. He loved how Jason’s erection throbbed with each thrust, how his chest heaved in exertion. Dick’s movements started to increase in speed, growing erratic.

Sensing how close he was to coming himself, he leaned in, captured Jason’s mouth with his and finally whispered the words he had wanted to say since before they had even started.

“You can come whenever you’re ready…” Jason bit his lip, the words pushing him closer to that point of no return.

“You’ve earned it, Little Wing, you’ve been so good, such a good boy…” Dick wrapped a hand around Jason’s cock when he realised Jason couldn’t do so himself. The latter keened.

“Dick- fuck, please- I need- _nngh_ -” Dick slowed down, paused.

“What do you need, Jay? Tell me-” he prompted gently, wiping a strand of hair out of Jason’s face.

“Hands- I wanna- I wanna touch you…” When Dick didn’t react, too caught up in the swelling of his heart, Jason kept babbling.

“Please? I want it so bad- let me? Please, let me?”

Having him beg pushed so many of Dick’s buttons that he squeezed his eyes shut and breathed in deeply, trying to keep calm and not surrender to the heat bubbling in his veins. He reached out, once he had himself back under control, and untied Jason’s wrists with a quick, practised movement.

“Better?” Jason’s hands shot out to grip Dick tightly even before he had finished talking. It felt good, having those fingers grab him, work his muscles with iron force. Dick moaned softly, completely caught off guard by how much it turned him on.

“You gonna come, Jaybird?” he asked, once the tempo had picked up again. Jason had the freedom to move against him now that he wasn’t bound to the headboard anymore. He nodded, a frantic expression on his face that made Dick speed up even more.

“C-close- please- _so close_ …” Jason whimpered, hands spasming where they held onto Dick.

“Go ahead. I’ve got you.” Dick murmured into Jason’s neck, delighted when a whine rippled through him.

 _“Come!”_ As if he had waited for Dick’s permission, he snapped taught at the words. Dick kept moving, even when Jason clenched around him, drew him in closer. Jason stopped breathing, whined as his head flew against the pillow and his eyes rolled back.

His whole buddy shuddered, trembled, as his cock twitched in Dick’s hand. His body jerked as if he had been electrocuted and Dick had trouble keeping him on the bed.

“Shshsh, I’ve got you… I’ve got you…” even though Dick himself was shaking with the need to come, he ceased all movement. Jason continued to twitch in his grip, gasped for air as if someone was strangling him.

“You were so good, Jay, so good…” Dick whispered when he noticed the tears leaking out of Jason’s eyes. He wiped them away, soft fingers caressing those heated cheeks.

He didn’t know how long he kept soothing him, how long it was until he was back with him, blinking disoriented and a tad overwhelmed.

“You haven’t-” he choked on nothing, swallowed, “you haven’t come…”

Dick groaned, hanging on by a thread. How was he supposed to survive this?

Jason continued in this sweet voice of his, lashes fluttering like he knew, if he did it just right, Dick would blow his load without even needing any assistance whatsoever.

“I wanna make you come, Dickie. Can I?”

How could he refuse him? Not that he had ever been particularly good at refusing Jason anything he asked for.

“You want that, Jay?” He had to make sure, for himself as much as Jason.

“Yeah,” it was said so softly, Dick almost hadn’t caught it. Jason had spoken like the admission was something he’d rather not share, something dark and dirty. Dick turned his head when he looked away.

“Look at me…” He whispered, saw Jason’s eyes widen a fraction.

“Please,” he added, sounding just as desperate as Jason had minutes before. Funny, he thought, that little role-reversal. But then again, it had always been like this, hadn’t it? Jason had always had that pull, that power over him. It was only manifesting differently now. Jason just needed to say what he wanted and Dick would move heaven and earth to make it happen.

Jason’s fingers closed around his dick, gave it an experimental tug. Dick nearly toppled over right then, eyes crossing in pleasure. God, he had denied himself for so long. All he wanted was laid right out in front of him. He leaned down, lips searching for Jason’s.

“Dickie-” Jason moaned softly. And Dick knew, he just knew, that had been deliberate. That Jason even had the brainpower after this session to do this for him, blew his mind more than anything else would have.

Hearing his name called like that, almost a prayer and yet so full of lust, drove Dick mad. His fingers left bruises on Jason’s shoulders, his throat, wherever he held onto for leverage.

“Gonna-” he had to swallow around the dryness in his throat.

“Gonna come, Little Wing.”

A look of utter deviousness crossed Jason’s face. Dick had but a second to be concerned, when Jason’s teeth found his neck. He barely felt the pain. Jason’s fingers chose that moment to twist at the end of a particular hard tug.

The tension in Dick’s body uncurled like a snapped twig.

 _“Jason,”_ he bit out, shaking with the intensity of his orgasm.

* * *

Jason had left without saying goodbye.

Dick was fast asleep, not even stirring when Jason pushed a strand of hair out of his face. His whole body ached like it hadn’t for a long time. He deliberately pressed down on his skin, hoping to reignite the spark from last night.

Dick had been extraordinarily careful not to leave marks, fully aware that Jason’s cover depended on it.

But the echo of the whip was still there.

It grounded Jason on his way to his safehouse. 

* * *

In the end, Jason had yielded to Bruce’ demands and had swallowed a tracker voluntarily. He hadn’t seen Dick since their scene and had received his tracker via delivery. After preparing himself and making a few arrangements, he wandered down the street to a known shelter.

He just hoped whoever was in charge, picked him out fast.

A girl, not older than fifteen was situated on the mattress beside his own. She had a kind look in her eye and offered to share half of her pizza with him. Crime Alley, she told him when they talked about their upbringing.

Jason almost felt bad having to lie about his. He was going by Jared and his vita included a few charges for theft. Nothing too violent or noteworthy. Sarah, she said her name was, had a slim figure and held herself like she would shatter any moment.

She had to be sick, Jason realised.

Malnourished.

Every instinct in his body screamed at him to get her out of here. But he couldn’t. It would blow his cover. So, he kept an eye on her whenever night came around.

Five days, he had spent there and he was ready to rip people to shreds for looking at his food. He was immensely grateful that no night terror had hit him yet. That would be hard to explain away.

At least that’s what he thought until it was halfway through the night and he was woken up by a bone-piercing scream. He was up and alert in the span of a second, eyes scanning the room for any danger and finding none. He noticed then, that Sarah’s body was convulsing.

“Sarah?” he didn’t want to touch her without permission but knew that she likely wouldn’t hear him where she was evidently caught in her dream world.

He reached out and shook her. It took him three tries before she sat up, tears streaming down her face, her whole body shaking. For a second, she just stared at him, as if she wasn’t sure who he was. Then she flung her arms around his neck and threw himself into his arms.

He tried his best not to flinch, not to move, shushing her as best as he could.

“It’s okay,” he continued to whisper, “I’ve got you, it’s alright.”

She trembled violently, clutched at his shoulders. And, despite his attempts not to let it get the best of him, he was glad.

Because suddenly, he wasn’t the only one.

There were other people, just as damaged, just as torn.

“You don’t have to talk about it, but if you want to, you can. I won’t judge.” he tried to convey that he meant it. She shivered against his chest, ducker her head.

“They shot her.”

Jason waited, let her talk without interruption.

“I was- I was behind the door because she- she- she…” she was wrecked by another shiver.

“Mom told me to hide because they- they were coming to get her. And I didn’t want to- I wanted to stay but she- she shoved me…” she tried to steady herself, breathed in but it came out wet.

“They kicked in the door and just- they just shot her…”

Jason clutched her tightly, feeling his heart sink to his stomach when the story reminded him of someone he couldn’t think about.

Not now.

Sarah kept mumbling the same sentence over and over again as if caught in a loop, re-living the worst moment in her life.

“They just shot her…”

Jason was about to let her go, when he felt a needle pierce his shoulder. Sarah’s body slumped in his arms. He saw black veins trailing up her skin, saw them on his own too.

Panic set in but it didn’t have time to unfold before the world went black around him.

* * *

Something was wrong.

Jason had a strange feeling that he should either not be awake or not coherent enough to question why he was. He opened his eyes just enough to gather his surroundings. There were people all around him, but none of the moved.

Don’t let them be dead, _please_.

Once he deemed it safe, he sat up. The black veins had disappeared from his skin.

But everyone else was covered in them.

_Huh._

He hoped his tracker was still up and working because otherwise, he was doomed.

Sarah.

His heart sank to somewhere around his knees when he didn’t immediately spot her.

At least, he knew how they transformed the people into zombies that left their own apartments. If only he could get his hands on one of those syringes.

He prayed no one came to check up until the bats unleashed their fury because one look at him and the jig was up. He didn’t see how he could cover up that he was essentially naked, or void of black veins to say the least.

And even if he could draw them on, which he seriously contemplated, it was hard to imitate black eyes.

Still, he looked around the room, careful not to make any noise while getting up and went through the purse of a woman laying with her face down on the ground. He felt triumphant when he found what he was looking for.

A door creaked to his right just when he finished drawing on lines. Someone came in, heavy military boots if he wasn’t wrong. They stayed on his right side, picked someone up, judging by the dragging sound of it.

Jason didn’t dare look whom they had taken.

He didn’t know how long it took, but he remained on the floor, alert and ready to pounce should someone reach for him. It didn’t come to that.

The door flew off its handles and people entered in a hurry. Jason got the gist of it, when some thug, or what Jason thought was a thug, yelled at another to get the people out of here. It didn’t sound as if they were trying to protect the people but rather as if they were saving property from harm. 

Jason felt arms on his shoulders and threw caution in the wind. He had had enough of people touching him. The thug was evidently surprised since he didn’t move to defend himself from Jason’s fist.

He knocked him out with one punch and used his body as a shield once the other thugs had caught on. With a swift move, he ducked down, avoiding a rather nasty bullet wound in the shoulder and made slowly made his way towards the exit.

Five thugs were firing randomly, while others dragged people away.

“Jason?”

Ah, there it was.

His knees wobbled a little when he heard Dick yell his name. He was in full Nightwing attire and kicking people left and right with that high-kick that stretched his costume in just the right places.

Jason reprimanded himself for his line of thinking, but then again, Dick did look fantastic in combat mode. Just then, the rest of the cavalry arrived. Tim swept in with his usual speed, ducking between bullets and taking out thugs on his way. Damian, that small ball of rage, put his swords to good use and made a way for Dick to dance around his opponents.

Jason, having had enough of hiding behind his human shield, let the guy drop and kicked one guy’s legs out from under him. He grabbed a gun that someone had dropped to the floor and, half running, half sliding, knocked one guy out while shooting at the others gun hand. The gun fell to the ground where Bruce picked it up.

The fight lasted maybe five minutes, where Jason found himself back to back with Dick, kicking and punching at everyone he could reach.

Dick made a pained sound when someone’s gun connected hard with his head. Jason snarled and charged at the guy.

He kicked him in the stomach, taking the opportunity when he doubled over to let his fist break through teeth. The guy’s eyes rolled back in his head and Jason dropped him like a hot potato.

Dick whirled around with his escrima sticks and knocked a thug over that had crept up behind Jason.

Jason saw the motion for what it was and ducked down just in time for the stick to hit its mark.

“Everyone okay?” Tim’s voice rang through. He sounded exhausted but relieved.

Bruce and Damian both affirmed.

Dick turned around, a grin on his face. Jason grinned back. It felt good.

They had won.

And nobody was dead and the thugs were down and he had played by the rules just like he was supposed to.

He had done well.

He looked up from where was kneeling.

Dick was beautiful, standing upright like that. The light hit him and made the blue on his suit glisten.

Jason wanted to reach out, trace it.

He heard a shot.

For a horrible moment, he was caught between staring at Dick and whipping around.

The momentum of the one movement felt like eternity.

He caught sight of Sarah, felt relief rush through him followed by terror.

Her head tipped back.

It had a hole in it.

“Jay?”

Once more, Jason turned at the softness of Dick’s voice.

He sounded confused.

Jason was still on his knees.

Dick was still grinning.

But Jason’s eyes fixed on the trickle of blood running down from Dick’s ear.

He wasn’t fast enough to catch him.

_Dick fell._


	3. Green

_The process of delving into the black abyss and finding nothing but a spark of green is the keenest form of fascination._

“No. No. No. No. No.”

_This is not happening._

_Dickie-_

_Come on, look at me._

_Open your eyes._

_This isn’t right._

_Dick.  
_

_Move, goddamn it.  
_

_You’re such an idiot.  
_

_Why don’t you just wear a damn helmet?_

_It’s because you want to charm people with that stupid face, right?  
_

_Right?  
_

_Dickie?_

_Come one, answer me._

_Please?_

_I know you like when I say that._

_Don’t you want to talk to me?  
_

_You can’t be that hurt.  
_

_It was just one hit.  
_

_Sit up._

_I know you can hear me._

_Come on.  
_

_Dick?_

_Dick, please._

_Fuck._

_This isn’t right.  
_

_This is not happening._

_No._

_No._

_Please-_

“No!”

“Jason-”

“Let go of me- no- let- let go of me! Get off!” He needed air- god- he needed to breathe. Tim startled away, let his arms drop to his sides. Jason’s vision was blurring as rapidly as if he was losing blood. 

“Don’t tou-” he started hyperventilating, “don’t touch me!”

“JASON!”

Bruce’ voice boomed over him until his arms were wrenched back. He put all of his weight in throwing himself forward, grasping for Dick. He couldn’t reach him, couldn’t free himself from the iron grip around his arms.

“Jason! Stop! Let Tim handle it!”

Once he realised, Bruce was the one holding him back, his stomach rebelled. He needed to get to Dick, to help him. He hated those vices around him, restricting him to a point where he couldn’t breathe and his shoulders screamed in protest.

Jason fought harder to get out of Bruce’ grip, kicking and pulling at his arms.

“He’s still breathing!” Tim exclaimed while hunched over Dick’s unmoving body. 

“Calm down! Jason, I’m being serious! You need to calm down!”

“No! Fuck! Let me go! LET! ME! GO!” he landed a vicious kick to Bruce’ knee and slipped free the second Bruce leg gave out.

He slithered across the ground on an injured leg and shoved Tim to the side until nothing blocked his sight anymore. His knees screamed in protest when he knelt on the unforgiving ground.

“Dickie-” his breath got stuck in his throat once he could finally see Dick fully. He felt hands pushing at his shoulders but refused to let himself be pulled away again.

“Jason! Let me-”

“NO!” he couldn’t let anyone get closer. Dick would open his eyes and be fine, he just needed a minute. That was all.

“I will knock you out if I have to!” Tim snarled from his right. It barely registered in Jason’s brain, too focussed on gripping Dick’s hand to the point where it turned purple.

“He will die!” Damian yelled at him, “he will die, Todd! If you don’t let Drake help him, he will die!” There was undisguised panic in his voice.

Jason couldn’t comprehend the words, not really, but some of their meaning trickled through the haze in his head and he moved up an inch.

“Pupils enlarged,” Tim muttered.

“We need to get him to the cave. Now!”

“Move!” Bruce barked at him, trying to pry Jason’s hands away. He felt his skin bruise with the force Bruce was using.

“Jason! Move!” Bruce bodily shoved him away. He fell over, had to catch himself with his arm to stop the fall. He was shocked into surrender, his body suddenly refused to move while he watched them carry Dick away. His hands opened and closed around nothing, as if holding onto something that wasn’t there anymore.

In his head, a voice screamed at him to get up, get moving, follow them, but he couldn’t bring himself to. Tears spilled from his eyes. They burned on his face, made him feel weak and so utterly useless.

Almost unconsciously, his fingers clenched around the marks Bruce had left on his skin. It wasn’t a pain he couldn’t handle, but it hurt nonetheless.

His brain registered steps coming closer but he didn’t react outwardly.

“Jason?” Tim piped up from the doorway. Jason didn’t turn his head to see, but he knew it was him anyway.

“They’re on the way to the cave,” he hesitated, shuffled his feet.

The steps came closer until Tim was on eye level with Jason. He didn’t reach out to him physically, but waited until Jason looked at him.

“I have my bike here. Do you want to join me?” 

He didn’t know. The voice in his head was telling him to stay here.

“Jason-” Tim didn’t sound condescending or mad. It gave Jason a pause.

“When he wakes up, he’s going to be so mad when he doesn’t see you there…”

“When?” he didn’t recognise his own voice, croaky and broken up.

“Yeah. When.” He wished for an ounce of Tim’s confidence.

“Come on. Get up!” he pulled at Jason’s jacket, none too gently, but didn’t touch him otherwise. Jason had a fleeting thought that maybe Tim had figure it out. It wouldn’t surprise him if he had.

They straddled the bike, Jason still wobbly on his knees. He stared at the warehouse while Tim drove them away, his mind wandering back to Sarah and her body lying there. He decided to come back and bury her, maybe buy a headstone. If only he had paid a little more attention to her and a little less attention to Dick, this wouldn’t have happened. 

Tim protested under his helmet that Jason was holding onto him too tightly. He almost let go entirely. Numbness spread through his body the more he let himself dwell on what had happened. He had let himself get abducted to avoid people getting hurt.

And now, Sarah was dead and Dick was-

He had trouble breathing and was overwhelmed with the need to remove the helmet. The ride took longer and yet not long enough simultaneously. Jason didn’t feel like he was ready to enter the cave.

But then again, when had he ever been?

* * *

Dick was already in surgery when they arrived. Jason didn’t make eye contact with anyone and reclined himself to a chair. Tim attempted to talk to him twice but gave up after Jason didn’t answer the second time. He just didn’t feel like talking at the moment. 

After what felt like eternity, a door opened and a doctor stepped out. Jason had the horrible sense they were in a bad hospital series where the doc was about to tell the family, their son hadn’t made it. His hands gripped the chair tightly, knuckles turning white.

“If everything goes according to plan, he should wake up in about three to four hours.” he looked at Bruce. 

“I can’t guarantee anything. The hit to his head was quite severe and I cannot assess the full impact it had on his brain. Best scenario: he has a concussion.”

“What’s the worst?” Tim asked even though Jason wasn’t sure he wanted to hear the answer. 

“He could never wake up.”

Jason had heard enough. He was up and moving the second he fully realised what those words meant. Someone shouted his name, but he didn’t even turn around to see who it had been. He had forgotten that Tim had driven them here and that this own bike was at Dick’s but he didn’t care. If he had to walk back to Gotham, he would.

He wasn’t glad that no bat followed him.

He wanted to be alone. If no one talked to him, he could pretend Dick was alright.

Jason made a conscious decision while walking down the road: 

_Not knowing if Dick would wake up was better than knowing he hadn’t._

* * *

_  
  
_

There was a foul taste in his mouth that he ached to get rid of. On second thought, his head felt ready to explode, especially around his ear. There was a pounding that he had never experience with this intensity before. He briefly contemplated having a hangover but realised he would have needed to be drinking the day prior and he couldn’t remember having had a glass of anything.

Actually, he didn’t remember much at all.

What day was it even? 

He tried opening his eyes and was almost blinded by a light above his head.

That… didn’t help the headache, like, at all.

“Dick.”

Great. Now the shadow that lingered somewhere to his left was talking and being entirely too loud. Dick tried to shush him and was met with a relieved (?) chuckle.

“Don’t sit up,” someone that was not the shadow pushed him down on his back. Dick wanted to shrug them off but couldn’t even lift a shoulder. God, he was so tired. And that headache was just annoying.

“You’re injured.”

Was that Bruce? 

“Yes. You just woke up from the anaesthesia, so, I want you to stay in bed for a while, okay?”

Dick tried to nod and immediately ceased all movement when the motion felt like his head would shatter into a million pieces if he so much as blinked.

“We’re here if you need anything.” The light was dimmed and the chatter stopped.

Dick sunk back agains the cushion and felt sleep claim him once more.

* * *

Dick was propped up on the bed, trying to fold his legs over each other in a lotus position when Bruce entered the room.

“How are you doing?”

“Balance is still off. But the coordination gets better. I trained with Damian today and we got through hand-eye-coordination without a problem.” 

“How does your head feel?” Bruce lingered in the doorframe, but he seemed at least a little less tense after Dick’s answer. 

“Still a bit tender. I can’t sleep on it or anything but the pounding stopped yesterday.” And fuck was he grateful for that. His head had felt like someone was constantly hitting it against a steering wheel for the last four days. Sleeping had been almost impossible.

“I’m glad.” You wouldn’t know, Dick thought, if you weren’t an expert in micro-expressions because, to the untrained eye, Bruce looked as impassive as usual.

“I- wanted to talk to you.”

“Isn’t that what you’re doing?”

“No. Yes.” he sighed, exasperated.

“I wanted to ask you about Jason.”

Now that could not be good. Dick had noticed, naturally, the absence of a certain someone but had refused to acknowledge how much it hurt to know Jason hadn’t stuck around for him.

“What about him?”

“He- when you collapsed, his behaviour…” it seemed as if Bruce didn’t possess the right arsenal of words to express what was on his mind adequately.

“His behaviour concerned me.”

“How?”

“I had to restrain him since he wouldn’t let Tim check on you and he looked like he wasn’t feeling well. I don’t think it was just because you were unconscious but because I was holding him back.”

“You held him back?” Dick realised how incredulous he sounded. There was an edge to his voice that he had not given permission to be there. 

“Yes?”

“You can’t do that.” He tried to convey with just his tone how much he needed for Bruce to understand this. 

“But I did?” he sounded monumentally confused. As if that was really a question of can or cannot and not of should and should not.

“No, B. You can’t do that.” Can’t translating to mustn’t.

“What do you mean?”

“He isn’t- I told you that night in the cave, remember? When he was- when he got shot- I told you…”

“You said, he didn’t like to be hugged…”

“Didn’t like- B, that’s not- it’s not that he doesn’t like it…” Dick prayed for patience, “he literally can’t stand it. It’s not a conscious choice on his part.”

“I don’t-” Of course he wouldn’t. How could he?

“I tried to tell you before. It’s- he’s working on it, but he can’t cope with being touched- not gently at least…” Bruce must have caught something in Dick’s expression then, because he looked contemplative.

“Dick…”

Dick immediately picked up on the change in tone. The simple call of his name with that intonation told him that Bruce had figured it out. He prepared himself.

“You two- is there- I mean…” How could Bruce be so eloquent while talking to the governor and such a bumbling idiot when talking to Dick?

“We’re- we’re working on it…”

“But there is-” the hand gesture he made was as non-descriptive as it gets. Dick still understood it.

“Yeah.”

“Can you- can you try to explain? What’s going on with him?” There was uncertainty in Bruce’ voice, that and a thin layer of hope.

“I don’t know.” Dick said. And he meant it. Maybe it wasn’t his place to tell. 

“You remember, right? What he was like when you picked him.”

Bruce nodded, confusion evident on his face.

“I think, even then, he didn’t particularly like being touched. At the time, I thought maybe it was because he just didn’t like me, you know?” Remembering their hostile conversations still stung.

Especially, knowing that Dick hadn’t been innocent on that front either. He had given Jason back as good as he had gotten.

“But it wasn’t. I don’t think he ever learned to associate touch with something gentle. It was always something he used to his advantage, or something he knew could be used against him.

When we-” he had to breathe for a second, steady himself because the memory was still vivid enough for it to hurt.

“When we trained, he was so aggressive, so full of rage. Even before-” he spared them both from finishing that sentence.

“Even after the training, he never like- fist bumped or something. Because, to him, touch isn’t something positive.” And wasn’t that the crux of the issue?

“Do you think the pit-”

“Yeah.”

“Can I- is there something I can do to help?” Dick’s heart did a funny little twirl at hearing Bruce express his wish to help. He had always known that Bruce wanted a relationship with Jason but had difficulties approaching him. Jason certainly didn’t make it easy for him, but, since Dick knew both sides of the story, there was no way Jason could make it easy. Still, maybe now they could finally get somewhere.

“I don’t think so. I- he’s- it takes him a while to- you know- adapt…” He hated how much he was stumbling over words. This shouldn’t be as hard to explain as it was. He was just so worried about revealing too much and explaining it wrong. 

“To you touching him?”

Dick made an affirming sound, nodding his head along with it. He didn’t really know how to put all he wanted to say into words without going into too much detail of their- well- arrangement.

That was not something Bruce needed to know.

“Is he- do you think he is afraid?”

“Afraid of what?” Because there were a million and one things Dick suspected Jason was afraid of. Deathly even. And touch was only scrapping the surface.

“Of being touched.”

“Yes.”

“But you can touch him?”

“Not without conditions.”

“What does that mean?”

“I really don’t want to get too much into that, B. It’s- it’s not my place to tell you…”

“Dick-”

“No. I’m sorry, okay? I know it’s not easy for you either, but he’s come so far and I don’t want to tarnish what we have by telling you something he doesn’t want me to.”

“I understand.” Dick was about to turn around, when Bruce stopped him again.

“Can you just- is he-” He seemed frustrated with his own inability to form a sentence.

“Do you think he will be alright?”

If only Dick knew. The thought plagued him every day. Especially, since Jason had seemingly vanished after Dick’s injury. He was afraid to even think that maybe Jason was beyond being saved. 

“I don’t know.”

* * *

He contemplated calling Cyrus, asking him if he knew anything, but then again, if Jason really wanted to disappear, he would hardly go to him, now would he?

No.

Back to square one.

“Still nothing?” Tim asked from where he was checking every security cam on the east end of Gotham. 

Dick shook his head.

“Tell me again what happened.”

“You know what happened. You heard it twice already.”

“Please?” never let it be said that Dick didn’t know what his puppy eyes could accomplish.

“Fine.” Tim sighed in surrender, turned his chair and folded his hands as if to prepare himself.

“You fell over and he stopped functioning. It was so eerie to watch him be completely still. He wouldn’t let me check on you, so Bruce pulled him back but he kicked his knee and Bruce let go.

Then he began that same spiel again: let me look, no I won’t and some other back and forth and then B shoved him aside so that I could get a read on your injuries. I saw your pupils were too large and that you had a severe head wound and blood running down your side, so, we decided to get you back to the cave asap. Jason wouldn’t let you, but Damian screeched at him that you would die if he didn’t let go. It was weird. He just slumped down and let B carry you out. They put you in the batmobile. I went back in to come get him but he either didn’t hear me or ignored me because he didn’t move, just kept mumbling something but I couldn’t hear what it was. Once I got him to finally look at me, he had that- I don’t know- that look in his eyes. It was-” he hesitated.

“It was like his eyes were the wrong colour. I don’t know- maybe it was the light or something…”

Or maybe it wasn’t.

Dick couldn’t help but think there was something they didn’t know, that maybe Jason himself wasn’t aware of. He had thought to have seen it too, once or twice, when he had been on the verge of breaking down.

But, just like Tim, he had shrugged it off.

“It was so strange. I looked at him and there was something off in his face and it took me a minute to put it together. Because they’re not that different. The blue- it’s always been on the green side, right?”

Dick nodded. Jason’s eyes had never been just blue. The teal had always been there, but never this much.

“Do you think-” Tim trailed off as if losing his train of thought.

“Do I think what?”

“Nothing,” he stared at the wall, seemingly lost in his own world, “it’s nothing…”

Dick wanted to press the issue, but he knew, from experience that Tim would close off if he did. When he was ready, he would share whatever idea he had just had.

Dick tried not to let it unsettle him.

“Anyway. He waited until you were out of surgery but then, the doc said you were still in-” he cleared his throat “in a critical condition and that it was possible, you wouldn’t- chrm- wake up.”

He turned away from Dick, discreetly biting down on his lip as if to stop it from trembling.

Dick reeled in the cooing sound just in time.

“And he didn’t say where he was going?” 

Tim harrumphed at that.

“Yeah, okay.” Dick did see his point. Jason wasn’t the type of guy to leave a note.

“Have you checked his safehouses?”

“Yup.”

“No luck?”

“None whatsoever.” He was actually starting to worry. It was fully in character for Jason to disappear but this time, they were in- what Dick hoped was- a relationship and they couldn’t just up and leave whenever they felt like it. 

“Hm.”

“Yeah.”

“Have you checked your own?”

“Why would I-” an entire chandelier lit up in Dick’s head. 

Because maybe, just maybe, Tim was right.

* * *

Dick couldn’t just up and run out as much as he wanted. Because he was still wobbly on his feet and his balance was only the shadow of what it had been. He wasn’t cleared to use any vehicle other than the bus and not allowed to even think about going on patrol. Which he grudgingly accepted.

What he did not accept, however, was Bruce’ attempt to keep him locked up in the cave. Especially not considering Jason was still a no-show.

Bruce had protested for a solid fifteen minute and he had done so in a volume that had caused Dick’s headache to make a reappearance. In the end, Damian had wandered in, nose scrunched up and had said: 

“I see no reason for Grayson not to leave.” Dick would have been hurt by the dismissal but Damian had continued to speak before it could settle in.

“If he does not get a hold of Todd, who knows what will happen. He could be wasting away in an alley for all we know.” 

Thanks so much, little brother, for that image.

Not that the thought hadn’t crossed Dick’s mind before but hearing it parroted back at him reignited that worry.

“You’re not ready.”

“I _literally_ ” and he felt like he had to emphasise this, “don’t care. He’s alone and god knows what he’s doing to himself.”

Dick’s reply seemed to shake Bruce’ resolve a little.

“If you’re not back before dark, I will come and get you. And you keep your mobile phone with you with the volume all the way up.”

“Fine.”

Not like Dick was an adult and capable of making his own decision. No, apparently, he was still twelve years old and in need of a curfew.

He packed a duffle with some medical supplies and a water bottle, just to be sure he had what he needed if he indeed managed to find Jason. Over time, he had cultivated quite the system of safe places. Some were in the middle of the city, a penthouse here and there, but others were less prestigious, depending on what he used them for. It took him until four to check five of his spots and was about to call it a day, when an idea suddenly crept up to him.

After sending a quick text to Bruce to stop the overreaction before it happened, he turned around and made his way to the one place he hadn’t looked so far. This one was situated in a seedier area, not far from Crime Alley but far enough for it not to be broken into every other day.

Once he reached it, he found no signs of forced entry. The door was locked as it should be. The hope that had started to build since he had had the idea, fiddled down when there was no one in his living room. The bathroom proved to be just as empty as the kitchen and the bedroom.

Dick was about to leave, resignation in his every fibre, when he heard a soft thump. It took him a second to categorise where the noise had come from but then he walked to the pantry.

Without much regard for his own safety- could have been a criminal hiding there after all- he ripped the door open. His heart dropped. The sight that greeted him was beyond disturbing.

Jason, pale and sweaty, was spread out on the floor, barely conscious and obviously dehydrated. He let himself fall to his knees, struggling with his balance a bit and reached out to shake Jason awake. 

“Jay?” he hated how much his voice shook.

Jason sat up with enough momentum to knock Dick to the side and into the door. He fumbled for his gun as if his instinct had kicked in but then his eyes seemed to catch up with him.

“Dick?” His whole body sagged forward. Dick didn’t know why he looked worse than Dick felt. Had the others missed something? Was Jason injured?

“Why are you here?” Dick noticed that Jason had one hand around one of Dick’s hoodies that he must have gotten from the bedroom. He didn’t want to let himself hope that this implied what he thought it did.

Jason refused to answer and instead attempted to stand up. Dick gripped his shoulder to stop him and realised just then that his head was swimming.

Not now, he scolded himself.

“You alright, Big Bird?” Jason rasped out. His lip split open when he stretched them around the word “bird”.

“Just need to breathe for a sec…” Dick steadied himself against the doorframe and focussed on breathing. He was aware that Jason’s eyes were zeroing in on him. It felt like being scrutinised.

“Surprised to see you up and moving,” if Dick didn’t know better, Jason wasn’t only surprised but relieved. But then again, maybe the vertigo was clogging his brain.

“Was a close call,” Dick finally got out once his breathing had returned to normal.

“Yeah,” Jason stiffened up when Dick mentioned it.

“What about you?”

“What about me?” The defensiveness was back in his gaze and Dick didn’t know how to get around it. 

“You don’t look…” he also didn’t know how to say without saying that Jason looked like an absolute wreck. There was blood on his face and soaking through his shirt, so much so, that Dick was scared to see what was under it. His eyes were too large, almost bulging, an obvious sign of starvation as was Jason’s collarbone which was too visible even under the shirt.

Dick noticed the paleness of his skin, the tremble in his hands. 

“What? Not pretty enough for you?” Dick hated the spiteful tone Jason countered with.

“Jay-” the blood had dripped down from Jason’s lips, which was the moment Jason noticed it was there and he swiped it away, ears blushing at the tips. 

“What the fuck are you staring at?” 

“You’re injured.”

“What?” he stared at Dick as if he was crazy, “what the hell are you on about? I’m not the one keeling over from a hit to the head with a gun.”

“Take off your shirt.” He had said it quietly, without any heat or demand. Jason raised a brow.

“If you wanted to get me naked, all ya had to do was ask, Big Bird. Didn’t take you for a floor-sex kinda guy, though.”

“Just do it? Please?” 

“What’s the matter with you? You look like someone got shot.”

“Jay-”

“Fine. Alright? Don’t get your knickers in a twist.”

He pulled the shirt over his head, muscles tightening when the motion disrupted the wound in his chest that Dick finally got to see. Angry stripes which looked like they stemmed from a blade decorated Jason’s upper body.

After discarding the shirt, Jason glanced down as if to prove to Dick that there was, in fact, no injury, when he stopped dead in his tracks.

“What the-”

The cuts were not fresh, that much was clear by the dried blood and the nasty spread of red around the jagged ends of the wounds.

“Why didn’t you tell them you were injured? Why didn’t you clean it? Jay- you-” words were escaping him and he left the sentence unfinished. Meanwhile, Jason was still staring at his own chest in wonder.

“I didn’t realise…”

“What? That you got cut like a filet steak?” Now anger was seeping through his veins and he had trouble reigning it in. Why wasn’t Jason taking better care of himself? How could he have not realised he was injured?

“I- it burned a little but I thought it wasn’t anything serious.”

“Have you looked in a mirror since then? Or even at yourself?” because there was just no way on earth that Jason hadn’t noticed the bloodstain. In fact, he shouldn’t even have still been wearing that particular shirt.

“Isn’t that the same shirt?”

“What?”

“The shirt you were wearing. Isn’t that the one you wore that day? Did you even change since then?”

It had been a week. What the fuck?

Jason, apparently, had no answer to any of Dick’s questions. He had started scratching his head, his gaze skipping from his chest to the floor and back.

“Answer me!” 

“I just-” he sighed, “I thought you were dead.”

“What?” back up. Jason had thought he was dead? Why? He got that it had been a close call but it had hardly been the first. And it wouldn’t be the last either. Not with the life they were living.

“I don’t know, alright? I just- when you collapsed-” Dick noticed how Jason balled his fist while talking.

“The doc said he wasn’t sure if you’d wake up and I couldn’t stay there and then-” he took a deep breath.

“It was easier to just not, you know?” 

“To not what?”

“Exist…”

He had no words for that. None at all. And he finally understood why this time was different, what Jason meant when he said he couldn’t stay. Because it had been the first time since their relationship, or whatever it was, had started. And Jason had thought he had lost Dick. And instead of dealing with it, or waiting for confirmation, he had buried himself in Dick’s pantry, had not eaten or showered or taken care of himself, because the world had stopped turning.

Dick could relate to that. When Jason had been shot, he hadn’t let himself be washed away by the feeling. But his world had stopped all the same. Like it had once before already. He fought until he was back with Jason in the here and now, not at home listening to Bruce’ grave voice telling him what had happened when Dick hadn’t been there.

“I’m here, Little Wing,” he murmured, “I’m right here…”

Jason’s lip curled around a sad smile.

“Yeah,” he said, without any trace of happiness.

“We should clean those wounds. They look infected.” 

Jason nodded and Dick realised he was still lost in thought.

“I’m going to touch you now,” he warned before grabbing hold of Jason’s chin and turning it towards him.

“Look at me, Little Wing, really look at me.” he waited until Jason complied, a flicker in his eyes that was a little too green for Dick’s comfort.

“I’m right here. I won’t go anywhere, alright? You didn’t lose me. I’m not dead. I’m here with you.”

Jason nodded against Dick’s hand. He still didn’t look convinced but the tension slowly trickled out of him.

“I have to call B to let him know where I am, okay? And then we’re going to get you cleaned up…”

Jason stood on his own, but Dick saw him tremble, if from exhaustion, starvation or relief, he wasn’t sure.

Dick was so glad he had thought to bring his emergency kit. With a few quick touches, Jason’s wounds were disinfected and he could bandage them up. None of the cuts were deep enough to be anywhere near dangerous but they still needed healing and Dick was determined for Jason to stay put until they did. 

Bruce hadn’t been ecstatic when Dick had told him were they were but he had promised not to pry if Dick checked in every once in a while. That could be arranged and he set a daily alarm on his phone to remind him.

“Tired,” Jason mumbled when it became evident how he was. Dick could relate to that. His strength had been on the verge of leaving ever since he had stumbled in on Jason in the pantry. It had taken a lot out of both of them to get Jason back to functioning. They had had a quiet dinner out of the freezer and now, Jason was leaning against the couch with the air of someone half asleep.

“Join me?” Dick found enough willpower to stand and pulled Jason with him. They stumbled into the bedroom, not bothering to even switch on the light and collapsed on the bed.

“You allowed to sleep unsupervised?” Jason asked into the darkness. Dick rolled his eyes. 

“I could ask you the same thing, you know? At least, I’m not curled up in the pantry.” Jason snorted. It was the first real sound Dick had heard from him all day.

“If I’d known you even thought-” he started but Jason shushed him.

“Not your fault.” 

“Still…”

“It’s fine. You’re not dead. I’m not dead. Everything’s peachy.” 

There was something Jason wasn’t telling him. Dick didn’t dare ask, aware that Jason’s flight instinct would overwhelm him the second he felt cornered. All he could do was wait for him to bring it up on his own.

He stared at the ceiling, caught in his own thoughts for a moment, when Jason cleared his throat.

“I wanted to ask-” he let the sentence hang in the air without really finishing it.

“Yeah?” Dick’s curiosity was piqued. He manoeuvred himself until he was on his side.

“You said- before all that shit went down- you said we could work up to it?”

“To what?”

Jason refused to look at him, fiddled with the hem of the blanket.

“Kissing?” he whispered, quietly enough for Dick to barely have caught it.

“Do you want to?” Jason didn’t answer verbally this time, but he did turn a little towards Dick. It was as close as an invitation Dick was going to get.

“Tell me if you want to stop.”

Another nod and then Dick leaned in. He lingered, for just a moment, enjoying the way Jason’s breath tingled on his lips. Then, he closed the distance, slowly, to savour the anticipation that had started to build between them. His hands found their way into Jason’s hair while he nibbled at Jason’s lower lip. It was soft, plump. He let his tongue dart out and lick the seam of Jason’s mouth, shivering when he opened up to let Dick in. Jason didn’t reach out to touch Dick.

That was alright.

Dick didn’t need him to. 

“Okay?” he whispered when they both came up for air. Jason didn’t reply immediately, as if having to mull it over in his head first.

Instead of an answer, he leaned in once again to capture Dick’s lips with his. They moved against each other, without a rush accompanying their exploration. Dick gently pulled at Jason’s hair, loving the soft gasp that escaped the other man. He had waited so long to do this, without a scene as a barrier between them.

This wasn’t a battle between submission and dominance.

This was just Jason and Dick.

Stripped bare of their armour and their responsibilities and their fears.

This was them.

And that was enough.

* * *

He tossed in his sleep. His heart pounded in his chest. Blindly, he felt around for Dick’s hand, Dick’s shoulder, anything to ground him. But he couldn’t find it. The smell of blood clogged his nose. For a second, he thought, he would see him again.

Laughing.

Cackling.

Swinging that damn crowbar.

But it wasn’t. Maybe this was even worse. He didn’t know, didn’t care. He was running, sliding towards Dick.

They were fighting but Dick was too slow.

He heard a shot. Suddenly, Dick’s head had a hole in it. Only it wasn’t Dick. It was Sarah and she was yelling at him, accusing him of being a coward and weak and lovestruck and stupid. Blood dropped down her face, let her mouth curl into a grotesque impersonation of a smile. Dick was on the ground, unconscious. Sarah was still standing upright.

She shouldn’t be.

She was dead.

“And whose fault is that?” she screeched.

“Who let me die?” 

“You!” 

“This was all you!”

“This is your fault!”

“You killed me!”

He felt hands close around his arms. His eyes shot open, needed a moment to acclimate to the darkness. Dick was straddling him, holding him down. Jason was shivering, trembling so badly, it threatened to throw Dick off.

“Are you with me?” Dick rasped out. Jason noticed how exhausted he looked, that he couldn’t quite hold his own balance and had to right himself to keep from toppling over.

His pulse was still racing.

He nodded and Dick let himself fall to the side.

“What was that about?”

“Hu?”

“You were screaming,” Dick said, a curious expression on his face.

“A girl’s name. Sarah, I think…” Jason’s insides clenched. That was just his luck, wasn’t it? Of course, he would say it out loud. Because Dick didn’t already think, he was weak, no, he needed concrete proof and Jason just had to hand it to him on a silver platter.

“No one,” he barked, putting as much bite into it as he could. Maybe then, Dick would leave it be.

“You’re such a bad liar.”

“It’s none of your fucking business. Just get back to sleep.”

“I would, you know? But someone keeps waking me up.” 

“Shut it!”

“Why? So that you can continue screaming without interruption?”

His fingers itched to strangle Dick.

“She got shot in the head,” he spat out, realising that Dick wouldn’t let it go, “in the warehouse.”

“How did you know her?”

“I didn’t.”

“So you just happened to know her name by coincidence?”

“No. Yes- fuck…” he covered his face with his arm.

He was so tired.

“Alright,” because if he didn’t say it now, then he would never go to sleep, “I met her before I got taken at the shelter. She was fifteen and her mother got shot while she was hiding behind the door. Just before you collapsed, I heard a shot and turned and she- she…” He couldn’t bring himself to say it. He had fucked up. He should have checked them for guns, should have paid more attention, should have searched for her.

“I remember…”

“You do?”

“Yeah. She ran towards us…” Dick looked as if he was deep in thoughts. 

“I’m sorry, Jay.”

“What the hell are you sorry for? You didn’t shoot her.”

“No. But I can be sorry that this happened to you.” 

Okay then.

“It’s not your fault, you know?”

“Sure.” 

“I mean it. There was nothing you could have done.”

“I could have-”

“No. You couldn’t have. And you really need to stop thinking you could have. Because you only hurt yourself in the process.”

“Dick-”

“Just- please- try to sleep- at least for a bit, okay?”

“I-” how was he supposed to Dick that that’s what had gotten them here in the first place?

“Do you want me to stay awake with you?”

“What? No!” What good would that do?

“Just a thought…” he sounded exhausted. It made Jason feel worse than he already did. His heart, though, had finally stopped beating out of his chest. 

“I’ll try, okay?” he didn’t know what it was about Dick and his ability to get Jason to do exactly what he wanted. He prayed to every deity up there that he could rest for an hour or two.

Even if it was just so that Dick could sleep peacefully.

* * *

The morning started slowly. Jason was still fast asleep when Dick rolled out of bed. The way Jason had trembled last night hadn’t let Dick rest easily. He replayed that conversation in his head over and over again until he couldn’t hear it anymore. 

Without realising what he was doing, he had dialled Cyrus’ number.

“To what do I owe this pleasure?” Dick was sure the guy was grinning even though, he couldn’t see him.

“I need help.”

“Figured. Shoot.” 

“It’s- that scene you suggested went well but Jason stayed over last night and he is still having nightmares.” 

“Okay?” 

“He didn’t have them after the scene. Do you think, maybe…”

“Could be. It’s not really my field of expertise. I’m not a psychiatrist.” he sounded contemplative.

“Did you have time to try the crop yet?”

“Yeah,” he rasped. God, he had to get a grip. This was a serious matter and not the time to let his thoughts wander back to that evening.

“And he slept well after?”

“Yep.”

“Huh.”

“Thanks, that’s very helpful…”

“Hey now, there’s no need to be rude.”

“Who’re you talking to?” Dick had never in his life hung up faster. Thankfully, Jason was sleepy enough not to realise the flush on Dick’s cheeks or that the was lying through his teeth when he said it had been Tim on the phone. He didn’t know why he had lied

. Maybe because he was embarrassed at having no idea how to handle the situation.

Jason quit the answer with a shrug and padded into the kitchen.

Dick sent a quick text to Cyrus apologising for the abrupt end of the call. Then he thought, maybe it had been a hint of sorts, that Jason had come in just then. Maybe Dick should just figure it out on his own. He had done quite a bit of research after their encounter with Cyrus and had called the other man twice already to get a few pointers on how to cater to Jason’s specific needs.

He should send the guy a fruit basket or something. 

And while that still didn’t help him with Jason’s apparent nightmares, it was at least something he could do.

* * *

_Dick was out.  
_

_Dick was out on his own and seeing a doctor._

_Good for him._

_Great._

_Maybe Jason should see a doctor too._

_Maybe then that misery of his would finally end.  
_

_A cocktail of drugs and alcohol and blood would surely drown everything that was Jason Todd._

_God, he needed to go away, to leave, to go on patrol, do something besides sitting here and waiting for Dick to return._

_He didn’t want to hear what the doctor had to say.  
_

_What if Dick could never walk straight again?  
_

_He had been so wobbly on his feet the last few days._

_Maybe it was getting worse._

_Maybe his eardrum was completely shredded._

_What if the doc told Dick he had internal bleeding?_

_What then?_

He threw the first hit against the counter. The vase on it shattered, the shards cutting into his flesh. He hissed but otherwise didn’t react, didn’t even pull them out of his hand before aiming again.

This time, the chair broke under the assault of his fists raining down on it.

Rage hit him.

His vision turned red.

He drew back, let his elbow crash into a wall. The bone didn’t crack but it screamed in protest. 

Jason didn’t care.

He needed the voices in his head to stop.

He couldn’t listen to them anymore.

* * *

The rain was a nuisance and Dick had forgotten to bring an umbrella. He looked forward to a hot shower and a nice dinner with Jason. The dinner, not the shower. Although, now that he thought about it, he wasn’t averse to sharing the shower either.

He skipped a step, full of excitement and walked to the door. The key turned in the lock and he opened the door. The first thing that his brain took in was the absolute destruction in his apartment. As if someone had wreaked havoc in there. His mind immediately jumped to burglars but then the rest of the scenery caught up with him. Jason was sitting on the couch, facing the door but there was nothing kind in his gaze.

“What- Jay- what happened?”

“Felt like redecorating…”

“Redecorating…” Dick stepped inside cautiously, acutely aware of the gun pointed at him. 

“What’d they say?”

“Who?”

“Doc.”

“It’s gonna be fine. I need to rest, that’s all. Guess it’s still no patrol for me…” Dick shrugged in an attempt to lighten the mood.

“Lie.”

“It’s not a lie.”

“Yeah it is,” Jason’s voice seeped with venom.

“What else are you lying about, Dickie? Hm? What else?” His tone held so much spite, Dick wondered how Jason even got the words out.

“I’m not lying about anything.”

“Yeah, you are.”

“Jay, what’s wrong? What are you talking about?”

“We don’t go after criminals alone, Jason. We don’t harm the bad guys Jason. I would never go in alone, Jason. Don’t worry, I won’t get hurt, Jason!” He had gotten increasingly louder throughout the whole speech. Dick stepped closer carefully, hands up in front of him.

“Jay-”

“NO!”

Jason whirled around, throwing the chair with him as he went. A streetlight hit him then and Dick almost fell over.

“What did you do?” he didn’t recognise his own voice, trying to breathe but the air wouldn’t come. Jason had a shirt on, but the whole back was drenched in blood.

Jason didn’t answer, just proceeded to stomp to the bedroom. Dick hurried after him.

“Jason.”

Jason grabbed a bag and threw random clothing in it, probably because he couldn’t see what he was doing in the dark. Dick was startled into motion once it dawned on him what Jason was doing. He could not let Jason leave now. If he did, he’d never see him again.

“Stop it!” he held onto Jason’s arms, gripped them tight enough for Jason to hiss. He was shoved into the counter for his efforts, could feel his stitches pulling a little but ignored it.

“Jason!” he was almost at the door. Dick threw himself between Jason and the door, blocking it with his body. Jason moved as if to shove him again, which he easily could have done.

Dick saw it then, saw Jason’s eyes.

The blue, that beautiful teal blue, it had gone.

All that remained was venom green, toxic and burning against the darkness of the room. Dick felt the door against his back, felt caged all of a sudden. That look in those pools of green, it held nothing sane, nothing human.

Haunted.

Threatened.

_Dangerous._

Like a cornered animal, deathly afraid and ready to pounce. Dick didn’t dare reach out, didn’t move. He braced himself when Jason’s hand closed around his throat. His thumb pressed into Dick’s windpipe, cut off the airstream.

Dick clawed at Jason’s hand but couldn’t loosen it. He felt like they were caught in limbo, frozen while he stared at Jason, who looked absent, vacant almost. Dick attempted to speak but found himself unable to, caught in the pit madness that had taken over Jason’s every fibre. It wasn’t the first time he had seen it, but never this close to the surface, never this unfiltered.

Something wet coated his lips then and it took him a second to realise, it was his own blood, dripping from his nose. Jason fixed his gaze on the trickle, blinked. And then it was as if the fog clouding his eyes had been lifted. He bodily flung himself away from Dick, even managed to take two steps before his knees buckled. On instinct, Dick rushed forward, trying to lower Jason down when his knees wouldn’t support him anymore.

“Jay-” but Jason clung to him like a lifeline, shivering all over. Dick had no idea how to handle the situation.

They stayed on the ground for what felt like an eternity, Jason holding onto him with an iron grip that was slowly starting to hurt.

“Can- can you get up,” Dick whispered after Jason had finally stopped shaking like a leaf. A clipped nod was all he got in response.

They reached the bathroom on wobbly knees and Dick was carrying almost all of Jason’s weight. He didn’t dare let him stand on his own, even though his injuries screamed at him to let go.

Once inside, Dick fiddled with the light switch, simultaneously wanting to assess the damage and afraid to find out the extent of it. 

Jason made the decision for him, hitting the switch with his fist hard enough for the plastic to crack. The fluorescent light hit them and revealed exactly how bad Jason’s condition was. Dick could only see his front, but that was enough to spur him into action.

“Let’s get this off, yes?” he gently removed the shirt from Jason’s torso, biting his tongue once he caught sight of the cuts in his chest. Those hadn’t looked this bad when Dick had left him to go to the doctor.

“What happened to your stitches?” Because there must have been considerable force involved, seeing as Dick had stitched Jason up himself and had made sure to do it well.

“Popped ‘em.”

“You popped them?” he couldn’t help but stare incredulously “How on earth do you pop a stitch?” 

Jason shrugged, the motion sending another droplet of blood down his chest. Dick was afraid to look at his back.

“Turn around?” he helped Jason in turn in the small bathroom, careful not to let him bump into anything.

The breath was punched out of him like a fist to the stomach.

There was a shard of glass sticking out from Jason’s back, splinters of wood were embedded in his skin, evidently missing from Dick’s furniture. How Jason was even standing up at this point, how he had found the strength to not collapse was beyond Dick’s comprehension.

“Why?” the word came out without volition and Jason immediately tensed.

“You could have called me- I would have-”

“Come home?” The universe must be playing a giant, cruel joke on them if this was the first time Jason referred to Dick’s apartment as home.

“Yeah.”

Jason looked over his shoulder, gaze pointed as if to say: exactly.

“Don’t you want me home?”

“Not when I’m like this.”

“Why not?”

“Were you not there? Did you not you see? Or do you just pick and choose what you wanna see when you look at me? I shoved you against the door. I choked you. I could have killed you, Dickie- don’t act like you don’t know that.”

“Let’s just get you into the shower, alright?” he couldn’t deal with this.

 _Not now._

Not like this, his brain corrected. He had to get things in order before he did. 

He just needed Jason to get cleaned up and then they would talk this through.

Yes, that’s what they were going to do.

First things first.

* * *

After the shower, Jason was pacing in the living room, shouting profanities at Dick and telling him that he was bad news and that Dick should just dump him right now.

When Dick dared to ask why Jason was saying such nonsense, the latter exploded: 

“Because I was bad! Look at it! I wrecked your damn apartment! I fucking choked you! And you’re just gonna stand there and stare like an idiot and not do something about it?”

“No.” Because Dick had realised what Jason was playing at. And he refused to comply. 

“What?”

“Not like this!”

“Yes, like this! Exactly like this! This is what all of this is for!”

“No! I’m not laying a hand on you when you’re like this!” 

“Fuck you!” 

“Stop it! I won’t do it!”

“Then I’m going to look for it elsewhere and you can’t stop me!”

“Don’t you dare leave! You’re just going to get hurt!”

“That’s the point, asshole! That’s what this is about, remember? I need- I need to hurt! Fuck! I need it!”

“No!” 

“Yes!” he barked back, then, softer “Dick, come on, I don’t care what you do, just do it now before…”

“Before what?” 

“Before I do it myself!” 

“Jay…”

“Do it! Come on! You know you want to! You always wanted to smack me around when we were kids! Do it! You didn’t have a problem with whipping my ass raw last time! This isn’t any different!” he pushed at Dick’s chest. 

“No.” Dick also refused to get agitated. 

“Why not! Why can’t you just do this one thing for me?” Jason exploded. When Dick still didn’t comply, Jason suddenly switched gears. It scared Dick to witness how quickly he adapted, how his whole demeanour changed in the blink of an eye. 

“Do you want me to beg? Is that it?” his voice broke when he looked at Dick as if he held the answer to all the riddles. 

“I can beg for you if that’s what you want, Dickie. I’ll be so good. A good boy, just how you like it, yes? I’ll behave. I promise, I’ll behave…” His begging had something frantic, manic almost. It told Dick so clearly that something was very wrong, almost like Jason was an addict looking for his next fix. 

“No.” It wasn’t tempting, even if Jason obviously thought it was. But all Dick could see was the blood still dripping from Jason’s chest. He couldn’t say that though, or it would set Jason off even more. 

“Why? Please just-” He hated the pleas coming out of Jason’s mouth.

“Because you don’t know your limit. Not when you’re like this. And I won’t hurt you. Not more than you can take.”

“I fucking know my own limit!” His voice boomed through the apartment, deafeningly loud. Dick stepped back when he saw the desperation in Jason’s demeanour. Suddenly, Cyrus’ words played in his mind. He had been right. Seeing Jason this desperate, for something Dick wouldn’t give to him, was not enticing, it was painful. 

“No, you don’t! Not right now! You _want_ to hurt! You want to _hurt_ \- really hurt and I _can’t_ , Jay- I can’t hurt you. Not like this. Never like this…”

Why did he feel like he was the one pleading?

“Dick, please. I need- I need something…”

“I know. I know, Little Wing…” He did. He knew so damn well that Jason was hurt and that there was nothing Dick could do to fix it. His hands trembled on his sides. He fought to keep them still, keep from reaching out. 

“Then do something! I can’t- I still hear it! I need you to make it stop! Please- _God_ \- make it stop…” And he had to. Dick needed to do something because Jason was self-destructing and he would not let that happen ever again. He had let him down so many times before and he would not do that again. That’s what he had promised to himself when the universe had granted him a second chance.

“Kneel.” The command rippled through him entirely without his permission. Jason’s eyes went comically large. 

“What?”

“I said: kneel. In front of the sofa, come on.” A plan formed in his mind. 

“I don’t-”

“Stop talking and just kneel down.” When Jason moved into position, reluctantly, that needed to be said, Dick instructed: 

“Legs spread, hands behind your back.” 

“So, what now?” Jason bit out once he was in position.

“Don’t talk.” Dick left Jason like this in the living room and went to get the rope from where he had stored it in the bedroom. Jason startled when Dick approached him, touched him without warning.

Dick shushed him before kneeling down behind him and taking hold of his hands. Once he had gotten them into the position he wanted them in, he wrapped the rope around his wrists and lower arms.

“What are you doing?” 

“If I have to remind you one more time to stop talking, I’m going to gag you.” Jason went stock still.

“Just nod or shake your head: is this too tight?” Jason shook his head but otherwise didn’t move.

“Good. I’m going to be right back.”

A plan had formed in his head without Dick making a conscious decision. He grabbed the spreader bar, a blindfold and two clamps before returning to where Jason was staring at the ceiling.

“Do you want to know what I’m going to do?” Another shake of his head. Dick put the blindfold on first, then moved the spreader bar between Jason’s thighs to keep them open. Finally, he opened Jason’s vest, knowing he had nothing on underneath and let the clamps snap close around his nipples. Dick wasn’t surprised when Jason didn’t make a sound. 

“I want you to just breathe for a minute, alright?”

A hesitant nod.

Jason’s chest heaved with the effort to breathe. Dick had chosen the clamps carefully, knowing how they would bite into the skin, how the pressure wouldn’t ease after a minute or two. He wanted Jason to be able to focus on just them, knowing that if he didn’t give him at least a bit of what he was longing for, he would self-destruct.

After ten minutes, Dick noticed how Jason had started to fidget.

“I know what it does to you, alright?” Jason tensed but Dick continued nevertheless.

“I’ve been there. You know, I have. But you can’t go on like this. I won’t let you do this to yourself.”

Jason opened his mouth then, as if to protest, but Dick pulled at the clamp to remind him to keep quiet.

“I won’t stand by and watch you self-destruct. When I- when I found you that night, I thought I’d lost you. And then tonight- I feel so helpless around you- like I’m always going to be too late-”

He couldn’t help but reach out when the memory of finding Jason in the bathroom overwhelmed him. He still saw the blood on the tiles, the sickly pale complexion under the low light.

“Like last time.”

The second, the words escaped him he wanted to take them back. They had never talked about it, about how Jason had died and Dick hadn’t meant to now. He didn’t dare look at Jason’s face, half obscured by the blindfold.

“When- when B called that night, I was just on my way home. I had ordered pizza,” Dick chuckled but it came out wet.

“I had wanted to give you a call for so long, maybe come by and have dinner, try again, you know? And it was so easy to make excuses, to let you believe, I still didn’t give a damn because you- you replaced me and it hurt. And then it was suddenly too late- I was- I was too late and you were gone and all I had left from you was that voicemail- that stupid voicemail asking for help and

I ignored you…” 

He was startled when Jason forcefully breathed out in front of him. Dick blinked up then and saw him bite his lip until it was bleeding.

“Jay-” he reached out, let his hand rest against Jason’s mouth until he released his lip.

“I can’t lose you again.” 

Suddenly, Jason struggled against the rope, his breathing became erratic. Dick leapt around him, scissors already in hand. 

“Jay- Jason- stop it! Let me-” Jason managed to remain still for the exact time it took to cut his bonds. The moment his hands were free, he ripped off the blindfold and gripped Dick so tight, it hurt. Dick was crushed in the embrace, his back protested at the awkward angle, but he didn’t move. He felt something wet against his skin and it took him a while to realise Jason was crying.

His whole body shook with the force of it. 

“Sorry. I’m sorry. Sorry…” Jason whispered against Dick’s shoulder. Dick’s heart broke in two when he heard it.

“Don’t- Jay, no! You did nothing wrong.” He had started shivering again, tremors wrecking his body. Dick held onto him with all he had. It hurt. All of him hurt.

“I’m the one who’s sorry. And I’ve been trying to apologise since-” he gulped around nothing, “since you came back. I just- I didn’t want to remind you, you know?” 

Jason’s hand spasmed where it was gripping Dick’s waist. 

“I never- I’m so sorry, Jay. You- when you came in, I didn’t know how to deal with it. And then it changed, our dynamic changed, you remember?” He felt a slow nod and almost laughed despite the tears on his cheeks. 

“Of course, you do.” His hand found Jason’s curls and he buried it in them, anchoring himself, playing with that streak of white.

“I didn’t know what to do with you then either. You were this ball of rage and nobody could get to you. And then you reached out,” he had to pause, to breathe, “You reached out and I ignored you. Because I thought it could wait, you know? That I’d just call back and apologise and buy you a burger from that joint you liked. But you didn’t pick up. And then B called me and I knew- I just knew. I got that- that feeling in my stomach, like something was wrong because he never called unless it was life or death…”

Dick shivered at the memory, could feel the cold from that day creep back in and consume him.

“He told me over the damn phone. Like I didn’t- like I wouldn’t care…” That one still hurt. Because he had let Bruce believe just that. That Jason meant nothing to him, that he didn’t care, didn’t want to know. But when that call had come, Dick’s world had collapsed.

“You were so young, Jay. You shouldn’t have- you should never have been there, in that situation. It wasn’t- you weren’t supposed to die…”

“But I did.”

“I did, Dickie-” his voice sounded wrecked, “and there’s nothing you can do about it…”

“But you didn’t deserve-”

“I don’t deserve a lot of things.” He said it like it was funny, like there was a joke and Dick just didn’t get it. The idea alone piled up enough pain for a lifetime on Dick’s shoulders. 

He had to fix this. 

“Yes, you do. Yes, you do. Don’t you dare say that you don’t.” Jason shook his head violently, eyes fixed on the ground.

“You listen to me: You deserve to be shown tenderness. You deserve to be touched without getting hurt. You deserve _me_.”

He was shoved back- _away_ , Dick realised- but he was determined not to let the distance between them grow. 

“Don’t you dare think you’re guilty for being alive, Jay.”

“Dickie-” it sounded so pained, so hurt that Dick wanted to curl in on himself.

“No!” He threw his arms in the air, having exasperated the means to explain. If only he could make Jason see himself the way Dick saw him.

“No. You got a second chance, Jay. We got you back. We lost you and then you came back. You’re back and you’re throwing your life away.”

“I’m not- it’s- it’s borrowed time anyway…” Jason whispered, almost too quietly for Dick to catch. But when he did, he was furious.

“Borrowed time? Borrowed time?! Jay, all of us live on borrowed time. Every single one of us.”

“That’s not the same thing!” 

“How is it any different? Seriously, we run through this goddamn city like we’re invincible with stupid rubber bullets and escrima sticks. You’re the only one even wearing a helmet for God’s sake.”

“You weren’t-”

“I wasn’t what? Killed?”

“Yes.”

“I know that. Believe me, I do. But it was a close call more often than not. And you don’t forget how those feel. It was different with you, I get that. And it shouldn’t even have been a close call. You were just- you had the worst things happen to you because you wanted to save the city- your home. Because you were brave- and you were loyal- and you were too freaking young…”

“That’s not it-”

“Then what is it? Why do you keep pushing everyone away? What is it that has you so on edge every time we go out there? Because you behave like someone with a death wish. Like you don’t care. You throw yourself in front of bullets and take knifes to the chest like it doesn’t matter- like it doesn’t hurt!”

“It doesn’t-”

“Yes, it does. I can see that it does. We all can.”

“That’s bullshit!”

“No. It’s not! It’s the way you tense up in your shoulders- the way your jaw clenches when something really hurts and you’re trying to power through- it’s the way you angle your body- because you angle it away, never towards, just _away_ from everyone like you don’t want to show how much it hurts- how you ball your fists and hold onto yourself when you walk-” he breathed in shakily, worrying his hair.

“So, don’t you dare tell me that we don’t know- that we don’t see that you self-destruct without even trying. It’s like you want to prove to us that you can take it- that you deserve the pain more than we do. Like you don’t matter or we won’t care or as if you are expandable…”

Jason’s fingers spasmed against his knees. It was the only tell, the only thing Dick could read the tension from.

“I should have just- I should have stayed dead…”

“Jay, don’t-”

“You don’t- you don’t understand-”

“Then tell me- help me understand…”

“There’s something wrong with me, Dickie,” Jason breathed out, a tremor in his voice as if he was afraid that something would shatter if he spoke any louder. A faint hint of shame accompanied his words too.

“I don’t know what- what it did to me but the pit- it- it changes you… I- sometimes I feel like I’ll explode with anger- there’s no outlet- it’s- I can’t think straight and- and I need the- the pain to bring me back down…”

“Green,” Dick blurted out. He had been thinking about it for quite a while now. At first, it had been unconsciously but he had slowly started to realise that Jason’s anger had a physical representation other than the balling of his fists. 

“What?”

“It’s- I noticed when you’re-” he gestured, unsure how to put it into words, “when you’re angry, your eyes- they turn-” he hesitated.

For just a moment he was overwhelmed with doubt. Maybe Jason wasn’t ready to hear this, maybe he shouldn’t- but he looked so forlorn, so lost that Dick knew he needed an answer.

“They turn green.”

Jason froze.

His eyes flickered to the door then back to Dick as if he couldn’t decide if he should stay or run. Dick saw him shiver, tremble and he wanted desperately to reach out, anchor himself. 

“Please let me touch you? I won’t force you- I never would, but please- please let me…”

Jason remained where he was, unmoving. Dick had to physically restrain himself, stop himself from doing something he would regret.

Then, almost imperceptibly, Jason nodded.

And when he did, it felt like the motion cost him all he had.

Dick reacted at once, pulled him close until he could feel the heartbeat under his fingers where he had sunk them into Jason’s skin.

* * *

“I need you guys to turn on the TV right the fuck now!” Tim’s voice coming from his phone woke Dick up. He reached around for Jason to wake him, but his side was empty.

Dick’s stomach plummeted.

“Can it wait?” he had other priorities than a stupid interview or whatever it was Tim wanted to show him. 

“No! Get up!” Something in his tone resonated with Dick. The kid was scared, panicked even.

He scrambled for the remote, switched on the TV.

“Fuck!”

“Yeah.”

He couldn’t believe. what he was seeing. 

Only in Gotham.

_Only ever in Gotham._

* * *

Jason had made a run for it the second Dick’s head had hit the pillow.

Too much, it had been too much. All of it.

All the guilt Dick had harboured, for him. He couldn’t deal with this. It was not something he had ever learned how to handle. With his own guilt, he could live.

That was something, he could mute.

But Dick’s?

That frantic wringing of hands?

That tone? 

_Fuck no._

And to top it off, Dick had started talking about that night.

As is Jason didn’t still see him in his dreams ever other night. As if that green hair didn’t still haunt him. The laugh. That godawful laugh.

He rounded a corner, bumped into a guy that cursed him out for not looking where he was going. Jason itched to bash in his perfectly white teeth. 

It took him crossing two more streets before he noticed anything strange.

Was it normal for people to stand in the middle of the street and stare at nothing?

Some other pedestrians had stopped too and were now waving their hands in front of the faces of the unmoving ones. Jason heard one attempting a conversation.

No response.

He stepped in front of a woman holding her baby to her chest and not giving a fuck that it was bawling its eyes out.

Now, wait a minute. 

He had seen those eyes before. 

They were black.

Pitch black. 

* * *

“Dick? Are you still there? Are you seeing this?”

“Yeah…” he was, but he couldn’t make any sense of what he was seeing.

“It’s all over Gotham.”

“How is that possible?” The news anchor showed the streets of the city and people with black eyes staring into nothing. Dick’s stomach still hadn’t settled. He sat down, turned up the volume. 

A man appeared on the screen just then, wearing a hideous white mask and gesticulating widely.

“People of Gotham. I have brought destruction to your city. This drug-” he held up a vial filled with milky white liquid, “can turn your population into mindless puppets. All I have to do is contaminate your water supply with it, and you will be mine.”

Dick would have laughed if he hadn’t seen first-hand what this fluid was capable of.

In truth, it scared the living shit out of him.

“As you are well aware, I have already infected a small percentage of your population. Do not worry. There is an easy way to avoid anarchy. I have sent the major a humble request, should he comply with it, no harm will come to youl. If not, however, you will end up like the poor souls I have picked to be part of this little demonstration.”

He made another grand hand gesture. 

“I do recommend taking me seriously. I will not hesitate to take over this city by force. I have enough resources to poison each and every one of Gotham’s elite, middle and lower class. And I can promise you: should that day come, then Gotham will fall!”

* * *

Jason didn’t know what the fuck was going on or how those people were having the same dead look in their eyes as the ones Jason had seen in the warehouse. He would have noticed someone injecting them and yet, here they were.

His phone rang in his pocket. He reached for it. Just when his fingers touched the screen, his head was ripped back. He stumbled with the force of it, tried to fight off whoever was holding him bent backwards.

A hand forced his jaw open, almost dislocating it in the process.

“Hey- what the-” some foul-tasting liquid was poured down his throat. He coughed, couldn’t breathe.

They let go of him. He shoved, stumbled away. He gripped the nearest wall for stability, wiped at the corners of his mouth with his sleeve.

“You see-” a voice said to his right. The world was spinning. He pressed his hand against his head, hit it twice, just to make it stop. 

“I had eyes on you since you escaped my warehouse.”

_No._

He had to get away.

_Come on!  
_

Blindly, he shoved at everything he could reach.

He fell into a jog, without seeing anything, gripping the wall tightly.

“That escape was quite the remarkable feat. Such strength. And my toxin failing you. It wasn’t easy putting it together. But once I saw your fighting style, once I saw what you were capable of- a mere civilian- from a homeless shelter no less- I realised…”

Jason didn’t want to hear it.

_Get away!  
_

_Run!_

“You fought with those bats as if you knew them. And you know, I have seen those scars before. They are quite memorable…”

The voice was everywhere, yelling, whispering. As if it was right there in his head.

He fought it.

Fought for that freedom of his mind.

Even though, he knew, deep down, it was a fight he would not win.

“The pit! The Lazarus pit! Only that could have caused my formula to fail.”

Someone was touching him.

An icy hand closed around his throat.

“You were just too important to pass up. So, I did a little research. After all, you were the only one the formula did not work on. And I can’t afford such a flaw in my plan, now can I? That would be a ghastly risk…” 

Jason coughed, grabbed at the hand that suffocated him. His strength was leaving him rapidly.

He couldn’t see.

“What do you think, Jason Todd?”

He felt breath ghost over his ear, twisted away from it. Blood rushed in his ears, but he still heard the next sentence.

“But then again, since Jason Todd is legally dead, maybe you would prefer it, if I called you by your other name?”

The tone was sweet, the breath foul. Jason couldn’t breathe, his brain wouldn’t focus. 

Once more, he tried to shove, to bite, to fight.

His body betrayed him.

And then, he heard what he had hoped to never heard. Because the voice was right, when it called him by the name he now operated under:

“Red Hood.”

_Everything went dark._


	4. Black

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so incredibly sorry for posting this so late. 
> 
> I was bombarded with lectures and classes and god knows what else this week (semester start, don't we all love it?) and just couldn't find any time to write. 
> 
> I really hope, you enjoy this final chapter and want to to sincerely thank you for sticking with me. 
> 
> I'm currently working on another story in this fandom and would love to know if there is something you'd like to read, any prompts or ideas and concepts or whatever else you have in mind for those two idiots.

_The monsters were never under my bed_

_they were always inside my head._

_I fear no monsters, for no monsters I see_

_since, all this time, the monster’s been me_

He blinked against the darkness but found himself incapable of seeing anything beyond it. The smell hit him square in the face, foul, wet, like something was rotting in here.

_Where the hell am I?_

He didn’t remember much. It took a while to gather his thoughts, recapitulate what had happened. There was still this vile taste in his mouth, though, less prominent. His neck ached like he pulled a muscle and his jaw felt dislocated.

Upon remembering what they- whoever they were- had done to him, he wanted to vomit. He tried lifting his hand but found it bound to his side, and not the fun bound kind. Even though it shouldn’t bother him that much, he couldn’t help the uptick in his heartbeat or the sweat slowly gathering on his forehead.

Calm down, he told himself sternly. There was no need to panic. He had been abducted before, kind of impossible not to when you’re the protegee of a billionaire. Still, this felt a little different.

Not to mention that it had been quite a while since the last time someone had been dumb enough to get a hold of Red Hood.

Red Hood…

Something stirred in his mind at the mention of his alias.

What was it again?

Seeping hot realisation stung in his chest.

Ooooh no. Oh no. Oh no.

He was so, so fucked.

They had abducted him out in the open.

Because they knew who he was.

_Shit!  
_

He had to get the fuck out of here.

Oh God, he had to kill them. All of them.

No matter what Bruce had to say about that. He had to get rid of them and wipe every bit of intel he could find on their computers clean. Hell, he should take a bat to it if he got the chance.

Make sure they were well and truly destroyed beyond any means of saving.

Speaking of saving.

As far as he could see, the destruction part would have to wait until he found a way out of here. Dick would probably not come for him this time. Not after walking out.

_Shit. Shit. Shit.  
_

Did Dick even know he had been abducted?

 _Not bloody likely_ , that snarky voice in his head laughed at him.

_You ran away, remember, like the chicken you are._

Shut up!

Jason did find it disturbing that he was having an argument with his own head but then again, there was no one else here to have an argument with.

Just then, he heard a cough to his right and his senses immediately prepared for battle.

And suddenly, he wished there really were no one else to argue with because that cough meant he was not alone and that usually either translated to- at best- trouble- at worst- death.

Maybe they could settle somewhere around pain?

Pain he could deal with.

“Test run 2,” a voice to said.

Jason had barely enough time to whip his head around and get a glimpse of a dark figure with gloves on when he felt a puncture in his arm and blacked out immediately.

* * *

Dick barrelled into the batcave with enough momentum to burst the door off its hinges.

“Where is he?!?”

“Who?”

“Jason!”

“What do you mean: where is he? Isn’t he with you?”

“No! Fuck! He ran out and now he’s gone!”

“Maybe-” No. He would not hear it. Jason hadn't left him. He had not. 

“No! He’s not at any of his safe places! He’s not at my safehouse! He’s not here!”

“Not here?”

“Not in Gotham!”

“What?!”

“They took him! He must have known something! Maybe he saw-”

“Wait a minute! Back up! Did he say something? How do you know?”

“His phone’s dead! His trackers are off! His suit is still at my apartment!”

“Maybe he went for a walk? No?”

“NO!”

“Maybe he just didn’t want to-” Tim paused, looking sheepish, “you know…”

“No! I don’t know! What are you talking- you know what? It doesn’t matter! He’s gone and I need you to find him!”

“How?”

“I don’t know! You’re the genius! Figure it out!”

Tim started typing but it didn’t seem very concrete. He hacked into the security cameras surrounding Dick’s apartment with no results.

Meanwhile, Bruce and Damian had materialised out of nowhere and kept throwing Dick worried glances.

“Are you sure he isn’t just-”

“If any of you ask me that again, I’m going to walk right out of that door and search him by foot!”

Bruce held up his hands in surrender and sat down on Tim’s left to help him.

He had had a weird feeling since the moment he had shut off the TV and had allowed himself to realise that Jason was really gone. And while that, under any other circumstances, would have been totally in-character, this time, Dick couldn’t help thinking it wasn’t.

He didn’t doubt for a moment, Jason could have made a run for it. What he did doubt though, was that he would ignore a call for three rings and then proceed to shred his phone. They had talked about communication and emergency-protocols enough for Dick to be confident that Jason hadn’t ignored him voluntarily.

That could only translate to one thing: Jason was in trouble.

“Something’s wrong. Something’s wrong. I can feel it…” Dick kept mumbling to himself, biting his nails, a habit he hadn’t indulged in for a long time.

“I can’t get a hold on him…”

“How is that possible?”

“It’s like he doesn’t exist. Or is trying to keep it on the downlow. There is no trace of him whatsoever. Not on any security footage around your apartment, not in any café or bank or supermarket. The trackers are off. His helmet too.”

“Drake-”

“I can track his phone until ten fifteen, then that signal disappears too.”

“Drake!”

“You called him. It rang three times before it went dead. Something must have happened after that. Because you said you didn’t get the mailbox, right?”

Dick nodded. He remembered vividly how anxious he had been. Usually, such an abrupt end of a phone call meant that the phone had been destroyed. He had briefly thought Jason had been in an accident. But not one hospital had confirmed him being admitted to any ER. Dick wasn’t sure if he was relieved or disappointed about that. If Jason had been in a hospital, at least they knew his whereabouts.

_“Tim!”_

Three heads whipped around when Damian called Tim by his first name.

“Wh- what the-” Tim couldn’t even produce a coherent sentence anymore, too shocked to function apparently.

“You will not find him.”

“What?”

“He has been abducted. It is abundantly clear.”

“How is that clear?” Bruce asked, doubt tangible in his voice.

“Because he would not disappear like that otherwise. Do neither of you see the similarities to the other victims? The pattern? He disappeared from a crowded street without any trace. No one saw him, not even the security cameras.”

“What are you saying…”

“I am saying that Todd has been abducted once again. And that this time, it was deliberate.”

Dick’s stomach plummeted.

_“Fuck!”_

“But why?” Tim asked from behind his coffee.

“Why target him? Just because he escaped the first time?”

It didn’t sound like he expected an answer from any of them and more like he was just thinking out loud.

“Maybe…” he swirled around on his chair, furiously hitting the keys on his computer until he pulled up an image Dick didn’t recognise.

For a minute, they watched him search through four different video feeds while he mumbled something incomprehensible. Dick was a bundle of nerves, unable to sit still but the other two, if slightly more composed, still exhibited signs of anxiety.

Suddenly, Tim slammed down his cup and spit out:

“Holy shit!”

“What? What did you see?” Bruce was up and behind Tim in the span of a second, but Tim didn’t pay him any attention.

“He’s such an idiot! Fuck!”

“TIM!”

“Sorry- just- look at this…”

Dick didn’t know what Tim had done but somehow, he felt like watching one video that was made up from two different versions of appallingly similar footage. In the centre, there was Jason, or more accurately, two versions of him, one fighting his way towards Damian the other one towards Dick.

That was also when it clicked in Dick’s head. He had seen all of that before, just not from that angle.

One was filmed in a penthouse, the other in a warehouse.

But that wasn’t what sent shivers down his spine.

It wasn’t the way Jason slithered across the floor and dodged an attack to reach his goal.

It wasn’t that one version took a bullet meant for Damian while the other backed up Dick.

It was that the footage showed what nobody outside the confines of the batcave should have ever known.

It was that Jason was wearing a helmet and suit in one version and neither in the other.

It was that the white masked man had realised that the vigilante who had shot the thugs in his penthouse and the

homeless man who had disarmed the thugs in his warehouse were eerily similar.

It was that the vigilante and the civilian fought the same, moved the same.

It was that Jason Todd and Red Hood were the same _man_.

* * *

What had prompted Dick to want to look for Jason in the streets of Gotham was beyond Tim but he had agreed anyway. No one liked when Dick was losing it. No one. It was annoying and disruptive and exhausting.

And heart-breaking.

That too.

Tim didn’t really know how to handle the situation. Big brother mode had always been reserved for Dick- and Jason on some rare occasions, but never- ever had it been him. He hadn’t realised how comfortable he had grown to feel in the middle-child-row until the tables were turned and he was faced with an anxious Dick.

Well, not just anxious.

Anxious, Tim was fairly sure, he could have handled.

This was beyond anxious. This was flat-out panicked.

He watched Dick stroll through the city, turning the literal stone over until there was nothing left unturned. His restless grew the longer they went without a trace. They stumbled over two of those weird zombie-like people and called the GCPD to get them. In other circumstances, he would have tried to help them himself, maybe analyse their behaviour- or lack thereof- but finding

Jason was the more pressing issue. Especially, considering Dick was literally climbing walls and kept biting his nails.

It seemed as if Jason brought out all the best and worst in Dick, depending on the situation. It was like lighting a match in a gasoline tank and being surprised when it blows up in your face.

Because those two?

They had had blown up so many times before, Tim sometimes wondered how they made it work between them. He would have scoffed at Dick’s moon eyes and Jason’s passive aggressive barely hidden declarations of affection.

But then he had observed the way they had softened around each other. How Dick eased Jason’s destructive side and how Jason kept Dick grounded.

It would have been endearing if they weren’t so nauseating about it.

Still, he would have searched for Jason regardless- past assassination attempts aside.

Just when they were about to round another corner- Dick had kept mumbling something Tim didn’t understand- when Dick suddenly slapped him on the arm.

“Out of sight, out of mind.”

“What the hell?” The stress was obviously getting to Dick’s head. Otherwise, this nonsensical bullshit would not be coming out of his mouth.

“What if we’ve been looking at this from all the wrong angles.” Maybe he should be willing to entertain the idea, but he was tired and frustrated and Dick was just not making sense.

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“The white suit. The water. People disappearing like this,” he snapped his fingers for emphasis.

“I… don’t think I can follow…” It spoke volumes of how desperate Dick was getting that not even Tim could follow his line of thoughts. And maybe he was right, maybe this was madness and Dick was seeing shadows when there were none.

“Sewers.”

“What now?”

“The sewers.”

“Why on earth would they been in the sewers?”

“Where else do you have easy access to water?”

“But isn’t a white suit and mask a little idiotic if you’re operating from the- wait a minute. You’re saying that he’s wearing them to divert suspicion!”

“Yes.”

It took a moment, Tim had to admit. He had to think it through. But the second the wheels started turning, Tim’s stomach hit his feet.

“Fuck!”

“That’s how he gets them to disappear. You just open one and slide down. Easy as pie.”

“But what about the warehouse? The penthouse? The ambush on me and Damian?”

“Decoys. Those were decoys. Apart from the warehouse. I think that one was legit. Like a storage facility. But the other two were just to make us think we’d gotten somewhere…”

“That’s why he had the footage…” Tim mumbled while fiddling with his phone.

“What?”

“Doesn’t it seem odd to you that someone not only has footage of a seemingly destroyed warehouse but has had time to watch and analyse it?”

“Yes?”

“What if Jason was just dumb luck?”

“I… what?” Dick was officially lost.

“Maybe he knew some vigilante was going to come after him. This is Gotham, people disappearing would, at some point, raise suspicion. So, what if he installed the security cams as a backup. _If_ someone came looking, he would know who they were, how they fight, how they operate and he would be prepared the next time. That’s why he let us find the penthouse in the first place. Because his thugs likely told him about the Robins and Red Hood being after them. And then he set up the penthouse to make sure. He couldn’t have known we’d let someone go undercover but when the warehouse blew up, he analysed the footage to see how that had happened. And what did he find?”

Tim’s eyes had gone a little wild, a glimmer in that blue steel that Dick wasn’t sure if he should be afraid of or glad for.

“Jason…”

“Jason,” Tim confirmed, voice grave. 

“But why abduct him? If he knows who Jason really is, why abduct him? People don’t- hell, bad guys don’t do that. Red Hood is dangerous, unpredictable- why would anyone abduct him?”

Tim answered with a very eloquent “hm”.

* * *

The first thing he realised was that he was alone. He didn’t know how he knew only that he did. The neck-hair-rising feeling of someone lurking in the corners was not there. He didn’t dare relax.

His whole body felt wrong, now that he moved it. He also realised that, for once, he was not tied down.

Sitting up, his stomach turned and he had to steady himself on the table. There was an odd smell around him that he recognised. It coated his senses heavily without ringing a bell.

Once he had settled down, he stood on shaky legs, wiping the sweat off his face.

His hand came back bloody.

_Fuck._

Did he hit his head?

Was he injured?

He felt around his head, trying to determine whether or not he had suffered an injury and was beyond relieved when he found none.

Then the implication caught up to him.

This was not his blood.

And if it was not his- whose was it?

“I’m so glad you are up already. I do think you will enjoy this.”

That mechanical voice taunted him. Jason barely heard it, barely even cared. But he did, once a video was projected onto the wall in front of his face.

He saw himself, saw his own eyes open and his body move without remembering any of it. Dread filled him when he watched himself walk into a room he was sure, he had never seen before.

Before he had time to question what was going on or even turn away, a man jumped on video-Jason’s back.

Jason knew what was going to happen a split second before it.

A thump, loud enough to make the real Jason want to cover his ears, filled the room. The man slumped down. A large red stain covered the wall. The camera zoomed in on the man.

He didn’t have a head anymore.

Jason had smashed it in.

* * *

“Tim-” Dick pulled at his sleeve to get his attention then held his coffee mug away from him.

“Tim- he upped the dosage!”

“Upped the- what the hell are you on about?” Tim’s eyes skipped between Dick’s hand holding the mug out of his reach and Dick’s face but the look of anger didn’t vary on either subject.

“Okay, maybe not upped, but he did something to it.”

“How on earth would you know that?” Dick didn’t mind being doubted.

Especially, since he knew, he was right.

“Because you can’t inject the water supply!”

Tim looked at him, eyes squinted and burning like blue fire. Dick held his gaze.

And then, out of nowhere, Tim cursed.

Dick shared the sentiment but, on the other hand, they now had a viable lead. At least in theory that was better than nothing.

His exhilaration was quickly squashed when Tim’s face darkened. Dick had seen that expression before- on Bruce if he wasn’t mistaken- and it usually meant he had made a breakthrough but not one that he particularly liked.

Tim uttered words that took a little too long for Dick to make sense of:

“He’s experimenting.”

“What- no.” Dick wrote it off instinctively. He waved his hand in a dismissive motion, thought about it some more and stopped moving his hand mid-air.

His stomach plummeted.

“No. No. No. No…”

“What?” Tim grabbed his shoulders when Dick started shaking.

“What’s wrong?”

“Jason!”

“What do you mean?” As if that wasn’t clear. Why didn’t Timmy understand it? How could he make him understand?

“Jason!” he re-iterated as if it was obvious, as if he hadn’t just put it together in his head on a whim without any proof.

“What about him?”

“Don’t you see? Jason!”

“Dick- you’re not making any sense!”

“He was awake when we came in. Awake and completely normal. No black veins. No black eyes.”

“So, what? It wore off.” How could a detective be so obtuse, so unwilling what was right in front of them? It had bugged Dick since before he got shot. He just hadn’t been able to put his finger on it. Just like Tim had with the footage, it had taken one fleeting thought for his brain to make the connection.

“But if shouldn’t have. It shouldn’t have worn off. Everyone else in there was still a zombie.”

“What- are you- what are you saying?”

“I’m saying that there is something wrong with him and that’s why they went after him.”

Tim blinked at him then but his expression was different from before. There was steel in his eyes, a look of undisguised curiosity and yet, his stare was simultaneously vacant as if he was solving ten different puzzles all at once.

“Give me a minute…” he said when Dick grabbed his shoulder and shook.

He didn’t know what exactly Tim was trying to find when he turned his back to Dick and typed away on the computer, but he recognised the determined set of his shoulders and let him work in peace.

Meanwhile, he took the time to map out the conversation with Bruce he was going to have to have sooner rather than later. If he didn’t word their findings exactly the right way, chances were that Bruce would scoff and walk out on him. Not like he hadn’t done so before.

“This is gonna take a while,” Tim muttered between sips of his coffee.

“You should find something to do.”

Dick knew dismissal when he heard it and stood, leaving Tim to work by himself.

However, his nerves hadn’t calmed and he itched for ridding himself of that restless energy thrumming in his veins. Completely unbidden thoughts of Jason hovering over him with Dick’s back on the floor flooded Dick’s mind.

That was exactly what he needed.

Nothing in this world calmed him more than training. Especially, if it was Jason he was training with.

There was a certain understanding between them that neither Tim nor Dami or Bruce had ever come close to. A sort of balance held them afloat whenever they went head to head. Dick had heard members of both leagues, villains, assassins and vigilantes alike say that Red Hood and Nightwing were equals when it came to fighting.

Dick liked to think they held the equilibrium of their respective worlds in their hands, just like their colours, oppositional and yet a beautiful mixture if combined.

Jason’s not here, he reminded himself sternly, denying himself the bittersweet heartache of thinking about his little Wing.

Jason’s not here, but something had to give. So, he turned to the only other person in the cave that would hold his own with almost the same vigour as Jason would- and almost as viciously.

“Hey, little D-” Dick knocked on his door, tentatively enough for Damian not to be offended. A gruff answer and the door was opened.

“What do you want, Grayson? I’m not in the mood to witness another discussion between you and father about this nonsensical-” Dick didn’t let him continue, instead, stretched out his hand in invitation- which Damian obviously didn’t take- and asked him to join him.

Damian’s usual “tt-tt” was cut short when he realised just where Dick was taking him to.

“Training,” Damian stated as if it wasn’t obvious and reached for his hoodie to pull it off.

They fell into easy steps, dodging and blocking without making contact yet. Dick’s heartrate spiked after a solid five minutes, when Damian was getting bored with the leisure of their pace and picked up a sword to make things more interesting. Dick whirled around and placed a high kick at his shoulder but didn’t hit him.

Damian lashed out and even manged to make Dick lose his balance for the fraction of a second. He toppled, caught himself. Damian kicked his knee out from under him.

Mid-fall, Dick spun, straining his shoulder.

He used the momentum to make Damian fall over until he could tackle him to the matt.

Damian cursed, wriggled until he slipped out of Dick’s grasp. He was back up to standing, fists flying at Dick’s rib cage. One hit had Dick doubling over, clutching his stomach. He reached out with the other and landed a punch against Damian’s shoulder, making him hiss and twist away.

It turned out, though, that fighting one person while thinking of another didn’t necessarily worked in Dick’s favour. He did manage to put Damian on the matt once more, but felt himself hit it a second later.

As if turned out, pulling at the matt was not something Damian deemed unworthy.

Dick stared at the ceiling while catching his breath. The excess energy was certainly gone now, but his mind was still as far away from the cave as it had been since Jason had been taken.

“Get up.” Damian’s tone bore no argument. He kicked at Dick’s ankle until Dick sat up.

“Quit moping, it does not suit you.” almost as an afterthought, and very quietly, he added “Especially, if it is about Todd…”

“Dami-” he was exasperated. Not with Damian in particular, about the whole affair.

“What you see in him is beyond me…” he apparently didn’t have the courage to look Dick in the eyes while he said it. Instead, he resolutely kept his gaze on the ground, re-organising the batarangs that had been lying around.

“Look, Jay is-” but Damian held up a hand to stop him.

“I do not care for you serenades about Todd, so, you might as well safe them for when he is back.”

“If.”

“Tt-tt.” Dick wanted to interject again, but Damian continued before he could.

“Todd is impossible to kill. I think that has been firmly established.”

Dick paused where he was standing.

Wait a minute.

That could have not possibly just come out of Damian’s mouth.

“Careful, little D. That sounds awfully close to respect.”

Because that tone? That grudging tone? Dick had heard that before. Once, early on, when Damian had told him he was not a terrible man to look up to. And the second time when said boy had spat out through his teeth as if the mere thought of saying it hurt him on a physical level that Tim had done a good job at figuring out Talia’s plan.

Predictably, Damian did not do well with being called out. He immediately hissed out a venomous “screw you, Grayson!” and crossed his arms in a defensive- read petulant- gesture.  
Maybe it shouldn’t have been funny, maybe it wasn’t the right moment. But the sheer outrage on Damian’s face made Dick’s lips tick up. Some of the tension unfurled.

He reached out, ruffled Damian’s hair. Not for long, since Damian shoved him away in the span of a second, but still.

That short relaxation he got was just that: short.

Before Damian could storm away and demand they all be executed for existing, Tim cursed.

The curse alone shouldn’t have startled them. What did, was the volume of it. Tim was in the cave, two closed doors between them and they had still heard him.

Dick caught Damian’s eye, not surprised when Damian was already watching him.

“We should check out what’s wrong…” he wasn’t sure why he had said it out loud, only knew that he needed to hear it.

He noticed, somewhere between the two doors, Damian looking a little under the weather too, there was a restlessness in his movements, a paleness around his nose and his fingers kept clenching at his sides.

God, he looks like he’s going into battle, Dick thought.

He wondered why.

Bringing it up would only make his little brother close up though, so Dick focussed on not letting his nausea overwhelm him and kept walking.

They entered the cave together and Dick wished he could avoid meeting Tim’s eyes. He was afraid of what he would find there.

“We have a problem…” Tim whispered, low enough for it to almost be mistaken for just a breeze whooshing through the cave.

Now, Dick had heard him in various states of stressed and / or unhinged, but never, ever had he sounded this hopeless. Dick’s stomach turned over when Tim fixed him with a look that Dick hadn’t seen on him before.

Fear.

This was beyond anxiety.

This was fear in its purest form.

Dick had no idea what Tim had found but he knew for a fact that it was the incarnation of all their worst-case scenarios combined.

“Timmy?” Dick didn’t remember when he had last called Tim by his nickname. It had to have been a long time ago, when he had been hanging by a strand, on the brink of death and about to let go. Fitting, he thought, to use it now when he could almost see the abyss opening under his feet. Maybe Jay had been right. Maybe it wasn’t the fall he was afraid of.

Tim- to his credit- didn’t flinch at being called “Timmy”, even though, Dick could tell by the expression on his face that he remembered the few instances Dick had used the name.

Almost without any intonation, Dick heard Tim say “I don’t think we can get him back.”

It didn’t make sense.

He heard the words, understood them, but they refused to manifest in his brain.

“What?”

“I know why they took him,” Tim muttered “and that we won’t get him back.”

“Drake-” Damian’s snarl was the only thing that kept Dick standing, one minute away from collapsing.

“You said there was something wrong with him, right?” He stared at Dick as if Dick should answer when all he could do was stare in silent worry.

“You were right.”

No. No, he wasn’t. Jason was- he was doing better.

Fuck, he had been doing better…

As if Tim had a connection directly wired to his brain, he shook his head a violent “no” and quickly backpaddled.

“Not like that! Whatever it is you’re thinking, I can guarantee you it’s not what I was about to say.” He must have seen something on Dick’s face- something ugly, self-conscious, hurt.

“Then what did you mean?” Dick wasn’t sure how much more he could take of this. He just wanted Jason back in one piece.

“The pit-” Tim started, eyes never leaving Dick, “I think, the pit changed him. Not- not only mentally but physically too…”

Dick would forever remember how many seconds ticked by without him reacting. But once he did, it felt like a life wire that shot straight through his brain.

“When we talked- after you got shot- you- you saw it too. I mentioned his eyes being green- that there was something off but you didn’t look- Dick- you weren’t surprised…”

His voice held an accusation- not a malicious one- but one nonetheless as if he felt betrayed Dick hadn’t told him in.

“What is this talk about green eyes? Todd’s eyes are blue.”

Tim had still enough spite in him to be exasperated even though Damian hadn’t been present for that particular conversation and therefore couldn’t know what they were referring to.

“When he’s-” Dick tried, memories of the last time he had seen that shade of green cloud Jason’s eyes haunting him.

“When he’s angry-” he started again, “or upset, his eyes turn green.”

“It’s the pit. I know it. It has to be.” Tim sounded a harsh around the edges, a little desperate even beyond the need to be right.

“I don’t remember that being mentioned. Grandfather’s eyes never changed colour.”

“Because it’s him!” Tim huffed, “it’s Jason. That’s what’s different.”

“You think something in there changed him- and that’s why, when his control snaps- because he’s angry or upset or hurt- the pit shines through?”

“I think-” Tim paused and Dick had learned over the years of working with him- that Tim’s pause were almost always something bad.

“I- it’s called pit madness…”

Bile flooded Dick’s mouth. He made it to the bathroom barely in time before he threw up.

With trembling arms, he steadied himself on the sink. His own reflection stared at him in the mirror, pale, eyes unnaturally blue against the shadows underneath them.

That blue- it irked him. He didn’t know why but there it was. Maybe, because they all looked so similar to each other: blue eyes, black hair. Maybe, because the man in the mirror could have easily been Jason. Maybe, because he saw that fifteen-year-old boy staring at him, whose eyes hadn’t been green but teal. Maybe, because he had failed him yet again, after promising him to never let him go again. And there- right there in the mirror- he was, looking at Dick, asking why he hadn’t tried harder, hadn’t fought for him like he swore he would.

The mirror burst under his fist.

He hissed at the shards slicing his skin but didn’t feel any pain.

“Dick?”

“A minute!” he pressed out, blood splattering the porcelain.

“Dick!” Knuckles rasped on the door. Dick frantically tried to block out the noise. It was overwhelming to the point where even breathing sounded too loud. He pulled a large shard out of his palm, threw it in the bin.

Tim called for him again.

“I said: one minute!” but the door had already opened. Dick saw the precise moment Tim realised what had happened. And also the one, he decided not to comment on it.

“Damian, no!” Out of his peripheral Dick thought he saw Tim push Damian back. If it was to shield Damian from Dick or Dick from Damian, Dick wasn’t sure.

He stumbled his way through an explanation without realising, he didn’t need to give one until Tim shoved Damian hard enough to shut the door behind him and keep Damian out of the bathroom.

“We’re not getting him back, Timmy- not really…” his voice sounded hallow, echoing against the cold tiles.

“No! No. Dick- we are! We will!” He appreciated it, he did, but he had would have heard the lie from a mile away.

Tim pulled him away from the sink, grabbed his shoulders, made him look up.

“We’ll get him back! I promise- I promise you, Dick! I just need time, okay? I need just a bit more time but I’ll figure it out!” he kept repeating it, like the continuity calmed him.

“You said…”

“I know what I said!” the hysteria was slowly taking hold of Tim too. For some reason, it worked to calm Dick down- even if it was just a fraction.

Tim breathed in, the moment of his emotions overriding him vanished. With renewed stealth, he re-iterated.

“I know what I said! I was wrong!” Dick didn’t- couldn’t believe him, not until, Tim’s voice dropped lower and he said: “We’ll save him, Dick.”

Maybe they would.

But Dick couldn’t shake off that sickening feeling that they would never get Jason back.

Not really.

* * *

_Not again.  
_

He was sick. Didn’t they realise he was sick? Why did they keep making him drink it? His tongue lolled around in his mouth. Useless. Was this another complication or did it just give up on him?

He tried cursing, yelling, anything but his mouth refused to cooperate.

He woke up again, after having blacked out with no idea what he had done in the meantime. He hoped- prayed- they hadn’t forced him to do it again.

Not again.

_Please._

He couldn’t move.

His brain screamed at his body to move, but it wouldn’t. He couldn’t lift a finger.

Someone forced his mouth open, poured in the liquid. He tried his best to spit it right back out. A hand pushed his jaw close, kept it that way until he had no choice but let the disgusting fluid run down his throat.

He gagged, couldn’t throw up even though his stomach was rebelling with all it had. He forced himself to swallow the bile too, kept gagging when the taste hit him full force. His body jerked on the table, hard enough for his head to hit the metal.

He saw stars, tried to rip the hand off that was still covering his mouth but he couldn’t. Each tremor shook him but it was like he was just a bystander, watching in fascinated horror as his body was abused with chemicals it clearly couldn’t take.

He felt that familiar tingle at the back of his neck, fought desperately for every second of consciousness.

Still, he knew, even before his eyes fluttered close that it was a losing battle.

* * *

He didn’t want to have this conversation. In fact, he would have never thought he’d have this conversation on behalf of someone else. It had only ever been his own identity that had had him on edge, never anyone else’s. It was just not something he worried about.

Now, he stood in the cave, fiddling with the hem of his shirt and waited for Bruce to finally make an appearance. Bruce, to his credit, immediately noticed something was wrong. He took a cautious step closer and crossed his arms.

“News?” the undertone spoke volumes of how Bruce thought this conversation was going to go.

“Timmy and I figured something out…” If only he was better at stalling when it came to Bruce. He just knew how this could explode once Bruce realised what was on the line here. And by that, he didn’t mean Jason’s safety.

“They know who he is, B.”

“We’ve established that already.” Bruce scoffed as if relieved by the words. Dick shook his head, trying to make it clear that they were talking about two very different things.

“No. They know who he is.”

“Dick-” The relief had vanished, in favour of a warning that rang through Dick with sharp enough clarity to make him spit it out.

“They know his name.”

“So, what?”

“His real name.”

“I… don’t understand…”

“They know that Red Hood is Jason Todd.”

“Before they only knew he was a vigilante but they didn’t know that the face of the homeless man, doubling as Red Hood, belongs to the untimely deceased Robin. The Robin who has been resurrected from the Lazarus Pit.” Tim paused as if for dramatic effect.

“And we all know that the Lazarus Pit changed him. Not only emotionally, but genetically.”

“What are you saying?”

“That Jason has a higher tolerance for whatever that drug is and that white mask has figured out not only that Red Hood went undercover but that Red Hood’s alias is the Jason Todd.”

Bruce visibly tensed. What Dick had been trying to say had finally trickled through the thick wall of denial. When Bruce didn’t offer any kind of answer, Dick powered on.

“Jason can’t let that go.”

“Can’t or won’t?” Bruce question made sense but Dick had phrased it that way deliberately. Because if he was sure of one thing, it was this:

“Can’t.” He said it with enough finality for even Bruce to understand.

“You want me to let him kill him?”

No. No, if there was one thing Dick didn’t want, it was that. But it wasn’t a question of what he wanted. At this point, it probably wasn’t even a question of what Jason wanted.

This was about Jason’s safety.

Nothing else.

So, that’s what Dick put emphasis on, once he had done the mental acrobatics to formulate a sentence in just the right way.

“I want you to choose your son’s safety over a criminal.”

“I can’t do that Dick.” The dismissal was as quick as it was anticipated.

“Then what do you want to do?” He had to give Bruce some options here, otherwise he would close up completely. However, when all Bruce came up with was:

“I don’t know- find another way- there has to be-” Dick couldn’t help saying what had been on his mind since the moment he and Tim had figured out what was going on.

“I don’t think there is. Jason is never going to be save. Never. And you know who would come for him next. Do you even remember how many people are pissed off at Red Hood taking over? Combine that with the people that hate batman, the robins, vigilantes.”

“I understand that-” Dick wasn’t all too sure Bruce had completely realised what would happen once White Mask revealed that information. And reveal it, he would. There was nothing they could do to stop that from happening. 

“Do you? Do you remember who is King of Gotham’s underworld?”

“Dick-” The warning was back in his voice, stronger than ever. And yet, Dick wasn’t deterred. He was going to see this through, make Bruce understand what his actions could cost.

“He’s still out there because you let him live. And we all understand why. But the second word gets out that Jason Todd is alive and patrolling the streets as Red Hood, you know who’ll come out of hiding? Joker. And you know what he’s going to do? He’s going to kill him. Permanently this time.”

Bruce seemed to contemplate, caught in his usual scowl. But Dick detected a hint of worry in the slant of his eyebrows, maybe even guilt. Finally, Bruce lifted his head, frustration, anger, defeat all crossing his face in a whirlwind of emotion and turned to Dick:

“What do you want me to do?”

He didn’t want to ask him, didn’t even want to entertain the idea of condoning it, but there was no other way. If Jason should live- and Dick would make damn sure that he did- there was only one thing they could do:

“Turn away. Just this once. For him. Just turn away- please-” that hysterical edge started to manifest again. He swallowed it down.

“I can’t… Dick- this goes against everything we- I- stand for. He knows that.”

Dick nodded, his insides feeling like they were chained to a rollercoaster that was speeding through a downward spiral.

“If I do this- if I turn away- there is nothing that separates me from them. Do you understand?”

“Yes.” Dick bit his tongue, refused to take any more of a side in this.

He couldn’t force Bruce to turn away but he wouldn’t let Jason be killed either.

* * *

He blinked his eyes open, surprised that they even cooperated. A foul taste covered his tongue and he still couldn’t move, but at least, he was awake. That was good.

Right?

Sometimes, he wondered how long he had been there, if waking up each time after being drugged was good thing or a bad one. The first time, it had happened, he had almost lost his head.

This time, he needed a lot longer than he was proud of to let his gaze travel to his hands.

His eyes shot to the ceiling before they could even fully register what they saw. He bit his lip until it broke, forced air out of his nose and in through his mouth as if his life depended on it. The sting in his eyes, he blinked away as best as he could.

Not my fault, he told himself.

This was not my fault.

I don’t remember.

I was unconscious- drugged. Even a jury wouldn’t find me guilty for this.

I didn’t do this.

This wasn’t my fault.

_Not my fault…_

The tears spilled over then, coating his lashes and smearing on his skin. He was ashamed of himself, so keenly aware that he was being watched. He couldn’t stop. Not when everything he feared was playing out in front of him. This one might have been a stranger, might have been someone he knew, a kid even. And one day, it might be someone he cared for. Someone like-

NO!

You’re not going there.

I won’t let you.

Stop it!

You’re the Red Hood!

Stop it!

_Stop…_

* * *

The cave was spinning. Or at least his chair was. Dick kept staring up while the minutes ticked away. Tim was busy looking for someone that didn’t want to be found. Damian was taking his anger out on the furniture in the training room- wasn’t he ever? Bruce was doing God knows what God knew where. Dick had given up on making him explain. In fact, he had given up talking itself. He was grateful for Tim’s attempts at finding Jason, he really was. But the hopelessness that had taken hold of him had not left yet.

Alfred put another cup of hot tea on the table to Dick’s right, urging him to drink it and scowling when he refused.

“Master Dick, if I had known you would be in the mood for pitying yourself, I would have brought out the Jasmine tea instead.” Dick didn’t even flinch. He should have. He would have, if it were any other day. One did not simply refuse Alfred’s tea (or scolding for that matter). But today, he just couldn’t muster up the will to care.

“He will be back, Master Dick,” Alfred said, voice gentle and eyes soft, “he always comes back.”

If only that were true. Dick didn’t know if he could handle Jason dying a second time.

Scratch that, he couldn’t.

It would break him right in half.

Deep inside, a voice whispered to him, asked him if this was really better than not having ever talked to Jason, having hated him. Was this better? Would it be easier if he had never come back to them, if Dick hadn’t been so weak? Had Jason been right?

Was all the universe had in store for them heartbreak and grief?

Would Dick feel this close to burning up if they had never tried, had never given in to that urge simmering just underneath the surface, ignored for so long until it had burst right through?

If only he had never reached out, never had taken that leap…

In that moment, he finally saw what Jason had been trying to explain to him all those weeks ago.

It wasn’t falling.

It had never been falling he had been afraid of.

If only he had known what the crash felt like, maybe then he would have seen its danger sooner.

Maybe then, this wouldn’t hurt so much.

He was about to resuming his spinning, when Bruce entered the cave. And with him, an air of something Dick couldn’t quite put into words.

“Suit up!”

“What?” Tim squeaked while Bruce pulled his chair away from the screen. 

“I said: suit up!”

Out of the corners of his eyes, Dick saw Alfred raise an eyebrow.

“I’ve found him.”

“Who? Who did you find?” Tim was back to scowling but he didn’t put his suit on. Dick didn’t move either. At least not until Bruce opened his mouth again and only one word came out.

“Jason.”

Never in his entire life, not once, had he been up and changing this fast. He was just shoving his escrimas into his bag when something caught his attention.

Red.

The helmet- or at least one of them- lay discarded in a corner in the batcave. He packed it, hid it in his bag where no one would see. Because Jason might want to wear it, right?

Maybe he’d be happy to have it.

“Where did you-”

“How did you-”

Tim and Damian had talked over each other, scowling when Bruce didn’t answer.

“Father!”

“Bruce!”

Dick didn’t care. Not one ounce. He didn’t need to know how he had done it.

All that mattered was that he had.

The batmobil felt more restricting than ever and even if Bruce hit the gas with his foot so hard Tim fell back in his seat, it was still too going too slow.

“Where are we even going…” Tim mumbled, still a little irked that he wasn’t in the loop.

“Sewers.”

Dick turned to share a look with Tim. It was not well received. They had looked, they had looked everywhere and Jason had not been found.

“Gordon had a case down there some time ago. He showed me.”

“So you don’t _know_ Todd is there?” Damian piped up, sounding critical. Dick couldn’t blame him. The second Bruce had said it, doubt had overwhelmed him, potent enough to almost throw him into another anxiety attack.

“I do know.”

“Why?” Tim put his foot down, signalling even through the rear-view mirror that he would not let this go.

“We tracked one of the henchmen.”

“How did you know he was a henchman?”

“We didn’t.”

Tim snorted, letting Bruce know exactly what he thought about those half-answers.

“We were looking for the entrance when the guy jumped down there. We followed him.”

Silence filled the batmobil. Dick would didn’t feel comfortable going in without any plan or proof, but this was Jason. He would fling himself down there head-first if he had to for his Little Wing.

If he was even there.

If he was even still alive.

“Anything else?” Bruce snapped.

None of them answered.

* * *

There were voices murmuring around him. Hope sparked in his brain. For just a moment- a short blissful moment- he thought it was over, that it would be okay. Their words were coming in and out of focus but he still caught the gist of some of them. 

“-right formula this time.”

“-five minutes…”

“-ready-”

He couldn’t really make sense of any of them, so, he didn’t really know why it hit him square in the gut. But this was when surrender settled in his bones.

No one would come for him.

No one would come save him.

Not the demon spawn.

Not the replacement.

Not B.

Not even Dick.

He was alone.

He was going to die in here.

Maybe that was okay.

At least, once he was dead, he couldn't hurt anyone anymore. 

* * *

Dick had never been in the sewers before. And he had never wished himself elsewhere with quite such emphasis. They were dirty, it smelled like vomit, he couldn’t see what was around the next corner, the floor was so slippery even he couldn’t keep his balance.

“Do we just walk in there like complete imbeciles or do you have a plan?” Tim hissed through his teeth. He had just bumped his elbow on a wall.

“There should be three separate rooms,” Bruce started while Dick was left wondering if- down here- someone could seriously use the word room to refer to anything.

“One with a laboratory, one head quarter.”

“And the third?”

“Tt-tt,” Damian tutted as if it was obvious.

“That will be the room where Todd is being held, obviously.”

“I hate to repeat myself and I really despise having to do it now, so, here we go once again: Do we just walk in there or what?”

“We target the room where Jason is-” there was an odd pause, a hesitation that was filled with the sound of Bruce swallowing.

“Where Jason is being held,” he finished somewhat awkwardly.

“Do you know which one that is?”

“Yes,” he said, and then, as if they were just taking a stroll through the manor “this one.”

* * *

Dick had the presence of mind, for just a moment when the door opened under Damian’s trained fingers, that this should not have been so easy. However, once he saw what was inside the room, every rational thought flew right out of the window.

Jason.

Without any bullet wounds or other injuries. Sure, he was too thin and horribly pale and there was dried blood on his hands.

“Jay?” he tried but his voice came out weak, a whisper merely.

Jason didn’t acknowledge them, didn’t react at all. He kept standing with his arms by his sides, motionless. Dick had never seen him hold himself quite like that.

“Jason?” Bruce stepped forward now, hesitant.

“We’re here to save you, Todd. Quit staring at us like-”

They would never know what exactly Damian had been trying to say, because in that moment, the door fell close behind them with a finality that sent Dick’s nerves into overdrive.

“A trap,” Damian started muttering, walked to the door and fumbled with the handle.

“This is a trap.”

“Jason?” Dick tried to talk to him again. The silence was freaking him out. Jason still hadn’t moved a muscle.

Something cracked just above them. Dick identified it as a microphone, someone talking to them from another room.

They all turned around at the same time, simultaneously, in perfect synchronicity. The voice, Dick immediately recognised.

As he did the words it said:

_“Kill them!”_

* * *

The command rippled through him with a force he had never felt before. It took hold right in his core, forced him to move when all his senses were trying to yell at him to stop.

He had heard them come in, had seen Dick’s eyes widen at the sight of him. Yet, he had been unable to act, forced into silence by the drug cursing through his veins.

His body moved without his permission, flinging the replacement against the wall and charging right at the demon spawn. Dick was apparently too stunned to moved.

Bruce had no such qualms. As if acting purely on instinct, he stepped in between them, shoving the demon behind him and countering Jason’s hit with his forearm.

Jason didn’t flinch when a punch landed right in his face. He let his head snap forward and connect hard with Bruce’s nose, knocking him back.

Kill them!

Kill them, a nasty voice kept screaming at him.

He didn’t to. Hadn’t wanted to for a long time. Why was he doing this?

He shouldn’t be doing this, should he?

He was too hot, too cold.

Fever?

Kill them!

There it was again. He barely felt the pain of Damian slicing his leg open. Without wanting to, he hit the demon so hard, he spat a tooth out of his mouth.

Kill them!

Tim was next, approaching him some new equipment he hadn’t seen before.

Kill them!

He shoved him to the side, not even turning his head when he heard a sickening crash. Bruce went head to head with him, giving it enough for Jason to feel a little of his usual anger prickling in his fingers. Still, this numbness that had his body in under control wasn’t leaving.

Kill them!

And then, there was Dick. And suddenly, a spark of something shot through him. He hesitated. What was that?

The voice grew insistent now, demanding he’d oblige. But there was another voice too, darker, less focussed. He found himself listening for it.

Slowly, feeling started manifesting again. He could hear the blood rushing in his veins. The anger, the very one he always tried to keep controlled, it was starting to fuel him like it hadn’t for a long time.

Kill them!

_No!_

No, he didn’t want that.

Why would he do that?

He would not kill Dick. Or the others.

Kill them!

You’re my puppet. He had heard that voice before, in his sleep, not too long ago, telling him just that. An overwhelming urge to lash out washed out over him.

How dare they?

How dare they force him to do this?

Kill them?

Not today.

His fists had balled on their own accord.

They would pay.

Whoever did this to him, whoever was responsible, they would pay.

He would make them pay.

He would kill them.

He would kill all of them.

And this time, when a voice- only one voice- spoke in his head, he realised what his brain had been trying to tell him through the haze of the drug.

He realised what he had refused to see ever since coming back to life and hearing that voice in his thoguhts, in his sleep, for the very first time.

That it was his own voice snarling at him:

_Kill them!_

* * *

Something is wrong.

Something is wrong.

Think!

Come on!

This isn’t normal.

What is it?

His brain was working a mile per minute to figure out what he had missed. Something in Jason’s stance had changed but with it, there was something else. He crawled away from Jason when he flung his fists, almost blindly. There was no pattern in his movements. They were radical, abrupt as if he was seeing enemies left and right.

Now, he was going berserk on Bruce. Dick was left staring, trying desperately to put it together, understand what was different than two minutes before.

Bruce slammed into Jason, leaving him to barrel into the wall. Upon impact, Jason didn’t wince, didn’t make any sound of discomfort. But he stopped, even if it was just for a fraction.

Dick had seen that before.

He knew he had.

_Where?  
_

_When?  
_

_Come on!  
_

And then, finally, and with the speed of a starting plane, it clicked.

“Step back!” he howled, pulling Tim behind him by the sleeve.

“Dick-” Bruce was three steps away from Jason. He had to step back, otherwise hell would rain down on them.

“No! Look at him! Look at his eyes!”

That was what had triggered him. That was what was different.

He didn’t know if he should feel triumphant or very, very afraid.

“What is that?” Of course, Bruce had never seen it before. But then, Tim looked at Dick, with the air of a mad scientist who had just discovered something brilliant but dangerous.

Because Jason’s eyes were a shining in the darkness of the room. And they were shining a brilliant shade of green.

“The pit!” Dick affirmed, feeling hopeless all of a sudden, “it’s the pit.”

“The Lazarus pit?” Bruce sounded more incredulous by the minute.

Dick kept his eyes trained on Jason, never once letting him leave his sight. It reminded him of wolves, circling each other, ready to rip the other to shreds.

“Yes- just- if you have to move, do it slowly. Don’t make him feel threatened, or he’ll lash out.”

“How do you know that?” Bruce spoke from the corner of his mouth.

“Because I saw the aftermath of the episodes…”

“You haven’t seen an episode?” Tim hissed, sounding a bit hysterical. As if he was afraid of Jason.

Dick slowly moved his head “no”.

“What do we do?”

“We have to make him snap out of it.”

“HOW?”

Three voices shushed Tim’s hysteric outburst. Jason had turned his head, staring right at them and yet obviously seeing someone else there.

“He’s not here? Right? He’s not really in there…”

“I don’t think so.”

“Do you think he has a trigger?”

“What do you mean?”

“Something that snaps him out. A word or something?”

This was not the right moment, Dick would later argue. It was not. And yet, his mind wandered back to quite a different scenario, when he had asked Cyrus the very same question.

“You’ll need a word. Something either of you can say when you need to stop. Something that will ring through to him or to you no matter the circumstances.”

And suddenly, it was so, so easy. What did they have to lose after all?

Nothing.

Dick sent out a prayer to everyone that was listening and hoped for luck to, for once, be on their side. And then, with all the hope and optimism and determination he had left, he said it.

**“Crowbar!”  
**

He hadn’t yelled but Jason whipped around fast enough to make him think he had.

Jason was caught in a weird trance like stance- almost swaying on the spot. However, if Dick wasn’t mistaken, the green had dimmed down again, had turned a little colder, a little bluer. He jumped on that small fraction of hope he had found.

“Crowbar, Jay. Remember? Your safeword?”

His expression shifted, his eyes roamed through the room and, for the first time since their arrival, Dick firmly believed Jason was finally seeing them.

“Little Wing?” he took another step, arms raised in front of him to signal that he was intending neither harm nor hurt. Just before he reached him, the span of his hand between them, nothing more, Jason lifted his head, eyes the clearest teal Dick had ever seen them be and asked:

“Dickie?”

* * *

The door flew off its hinges. Damian had come prepared, Dick noted with satisfaction. Adrenaline was thrumming in his veins while he helped Jason walk out of the room. The anticipated armada of henchmen blocked their way, firing at everything in their line of vision. Dick shoved Jason behind him, keenly aware that he didn’t have a suit on.

“In my bag,” he yelled at him while blocking the reign of bullets with his body. Thank the Gods for bulletproof costumes. Jason fumbled around until Dick heard him breathe in sharply.

“You brought my helmet?” he asked, sounding more alive and himself than Dick had heard him since they had found him.

“Put it on!” Bruce yelled at Jason from their left. Dick could only imagine the stress Bruce was under. They had just managed to get Jason back to himself, they would not lose him to a bastard that got lucky.

Jason, ignoring Dick’s protest, slithered across the floor and ripped a gun out of a henchman’s grip. Meanwhile, Bruce and Tim had taken out a good five of them, and were moving in on the sixth. Dick managed to render two unconscious, kicking their head hard enough for their eyes to roll back immediately upon impact.

The firing sounds around them slowly died down until nothing was left but the smell of gunpowder. Jason hobbled towards Dick on a leg that looked completely torn apart.

Dick didn’t have time to ask.

Damian had blown up the only door that was left. There, in a chair, pointing a gun at them and twirling a grenade in the other hand, sat White Mask, laughing manically as if he had just won.

Jason stiffened next to Dick and he remembered how much Jason hated such laughter. It still struck too close to home.

“Such an entrance,” the guy said, seemingly unbothered by five bats blocking his doorway.

“I must say, I am disappointed. But, of course, no one quite knows just how this pit madness works…”

Dick prayed Jason hadn’t picked up on White Mask using the term Tim had told him about. But it was for naught. Jason had heard it and had immediately ground his teeth.

As if he knew…

“Is it now time to monologue? Would you be interested in that?” They shared a look. That was a new kind of crazy.

“The police are on their way,” Bruce barked out, menacingly. White Mask shrugged it off.

“I do believe we have a little bit of time.” Dick noticed his eyes flickering from left to right as if looking for something he hadn’t yet found.

Bruce didn’t move but White Mask obviously interpreted his silence as the permission to go on.

“See I would have made it big. Imagine all of Gotham’s elite, judges, police men, all of them under my control. It would have been so easy. The formula-” he paused as if to pat himself on the back “I improved it. Now, all those nasty black veins are gone and people would have never known…”

“You removed the visible signs of the influence…” Tim sounded somewhere between disgusted and fascinated.

“And then there was you,” White Mask continued, pointing at Jason with the gun. Dick hissed at him, moving to cover Jason’s body with his. White Mask stopped, hesitated for a brief second and Dick thought, he had just given him some sort of confirmation.

“Can you imagine my joy when I found out who he was? Who else would be better than him?”

“Better for what?” Dick could tell by the uptick in Bruce’ jaw that he was losing his patience and that the talk about Jason was riling him up.

Don’t be stupid, he willed the words into Bruce’ head.

“For controlling, of course. The Red Hood under my command, that would have made me King of Gotham’s underworld.”

“But you failed,” Tim spat out, shaking with rage beside Dick.

“Of course, there is that…”

The guy was entirely too nonchalant about the whole ordeal. But Dick didn’t dare move in on him while he was holding the grenade in his one and the gun in his other hand. After all, Jason might have been wearing a helmet but the rest of them were not.

“Batman?” Gordon’s voice came somewhere from Bruce’ suit.

“Ah, that is my clue,” White Mask said, slowly standing up. Dick had a split second of realisation wash over him but it was too late.

In a move that was as stupid as it was bold, White Mask fired the gun at Damian. But there had been two shots ringing in the air.

And while White Mask’s had missed its target, Bruce’s had not. The trickled of red coating the mask reminded Dick of Snow White.

Dick couldn’t believe his eyes. Bruce had shot someone. Right in the head. After telling Dick off for even daring to ask him to turn away.

“B?” Dick’s voice sounded hollow while he kept staring at the dead man in front of them.

But Bruce didn’t answer. His gun dropped unceremoniously to the floor. Just then, Gordon and his men came rushing in. Bruce turned heel, walking out without a word. Dick could see the conflict, the guilt in every rise of his shoulders.

Because Batman didn’t kill people. But Bruce Wayne did when someone shot his son.

“It was self-defence,” Tim would later argue, “well, not really self since it was Damian he was defending but still…”

If only Bruce believed that too.

Jason suddenly erupted in laughter behind him, clutching his shoulder with one hand to keep from doubling over. His laughter had something manic, something unhinged. He turned around, wanted to ask what was going on, when Jason’s knees gave out under him.

“I can’t- Dickie-” he wheezed, fighting for breath. Then, when the laughter had died down and Jason was left trembling on the ground, body wrecked by shockwaves, Jason whispered one word.

“Sorry…”

Dick wanted to help him back up again but realised Jason wasn’t conscious anymore.

* * *

The bed rocked with the force of Jason sitting up abruptly. Dick was awake immediately. He reached out, hesitated but saw Jason shivering and laid his hand on Jason’s shoulder.

“I’ve got you, Little Wing. I’ve got you. It’s okay. You’re safe. You’re safe. I’ve got you…” he had been mumbling those same words into Jason’s skin for over a week now.

Each night, Jason would wake up, tremors running through him, sweat covering his whole body. And he would scream. Dick never knew if he was screaming for himself that night or for someone else, it alternated.

He remained where he was, watched Jason struggled to breathe until finally something coherent came out of his mouth.

“I didn’t mean to do it. Dickie, I promise- I promise, I didn’t mean to…”

His heart broke a little more.

“I know, I know, it’s alright. We’re not- nobody is blaming you.”

They had talked about it. After everything was said and done and files were put away. Jason had sat down on Dick’s bed, back to him and face in his hands and had talked.

How they had experimented on him, forced him to stay awake, hurt him, tortured him until he had lost his idea of self. How they had poured the drug down his throat that had taken over control until nothing of Jason had remained but the wish to be surrender. How numb he had felt. How the pit was what had saved him because the adrenaline had burned through the drug faster than White Mask had expected.

How he couldn’t remember killing the man while under the influence, but knew he had because they had shown him.

“I killed him, Dick!” Jason sobbed. It sounded wet, broken.

“You weren’t yourself. That wasn’t you.” At least, this time, he wasn’t drowning in guilt about being to blame for Bruce having shot White Mask. Those nights were almost worse.

“I don’t remember…” That was probably what hurt Dick the most. That someone had taken Jason’s free will from him, had turned him back into that soulless, uncaring, rabid creature. Dick couldn’t imagine how that felt like.

He didn’t want to.

It would cost him his sanity.

“I promised, I wouldn’t…” Dick knew he wasn’t talking about his promise to Bruce. Jason had sworn himself to never kill an innocent and now, he had.

“I know, Little Wing,” he knew Jason didn’t need his input. That was not what he was here for. He was here to listen.

Just to listen.

“How can-” the hiccough was back. Jason, Dick had learned, always hiccoughed when he was crying. It wasn’t something he would have ever thought would come up.

“How can you be with me?”

Dick refused to let his throat clog up. Jason always asked that.

Every night.

And Dick would give the same answer.

Even if it would take forever for it to register.

“Because I’m not afraid of the crash.” He wiped a strand of hair out of Jason’s face, waited until he lifted his head and looked at him with puffy eyes.

“I want you, even if that means crashing…”

Dick was certain now, more than ever, that he had been wrong that day. Having been with Jason would always beat never having been with him. No matter the cost or the heartbreak, Dick would never regret having taken that leap.

“What about falling?” Jason asked softly, as if he was afraid of the answer.

“I was never afraid of falling, Jay.”

“But are you now? Now that you know…” he didn’t need to specify what it was that Dick now knew.

Dick smiled, a hint of sadness in it that he couldn’t shrug off. Because Jason would always have to ask, would never know in his heart how much he meant to Dick.

He would get better at it.

But it would never heal completely, would never disappear.

Just like the scars covering his skin.

“I’m not afraid to fall, Little Wing,” he pressed a kiss on Jason’s temple.

_“Not if it’s with you…”_

**Author's Note:**

> I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions, so, knock yourself out in the comments.


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